TwerpsWorld

So Fresh And So Clean Clean

2010-03-13T20:31:00.002-06:00

Ohai!

I have been away for a very long time. Not like, really away, but away as in not writing. At all. But a coworker is totally crushing on her own blog at the moment, and it made me feel all nostalgic for this nearly 6 year-old space here, and the good times we used to have. We had some good times, right? Now, I'm not trying to recapture the magic of previous years, but I do want to get back to writing on a more frequent basis and I think I finally have the spare bandwidth to do that.

I'm sure you've noticed the new layout. Likey? MFDC and I reviewed several free Blogger templates and decided this one was the most "me." I hope you like it.

I hope, also, that you are all well and that, together, we can pick this ball up again and run with it. It's sure to get rill fresh up in here!

XO!

WHOA! HI!

2009-09-03T11:34:00.003-05:00

It has been a long time, dear blog. I thought I would harness the power of my green tea with Agave syrup and my blueberry passionfruit smoothie and give a quick short update on how things are going down here in Dixie (during commercial breaks from CSI: Miami, of course. Horatio Caine? BADASS!).

The most significant updates are:

- I'm off caffeine (with the exception of green tea in the morning and maybe once during the day)

- I'm off sugar. AGAIN.

The withdrawal period for both (yeah, I quit them simultaneously)(OUCH) lasted about 30 hours. THIRTY HOURS. No advil. Just an ice pack! Am I bragging? YES. Because that was freaking HARD. If you're going to do it, I highly recommend you do it over a weekend. Start Friday, slog through your day, lay on the couch all day with an ice pack, by Sunday evening you should be fiiiiiiiiine. Back to the updates:

- My mom and Duncan are living with us for a bit. It's been... a learning experience but, overall, is going very well.

- I am STILL unemployed and it sucks. I seriously underestimated the severity of the economic downturn and overestimated the power of my resume. It's strong, but it's not strong enough to create jobs where there ARE none! I'm signed up with 2 temp agencies, have sent out dozens and dozens of resumes and only just got my first bite yesterday. YESTERDAY! I was excited because it's a good fit, but the salary is abysmal. I sent them back a number I could deal with (meaning, a number by which Dan and I could eek out a living) and they have yet to write back. So, we'll see.

It's been very frustrating and disheartening. It doesn't make for happy times, I can tell you that. However, I am attempting to control the things that are in my power to do so, like my health, which has really suffered the past 9 months or so. It feels good to feel good! Of course, I'd feel GREAT if I had a job, but I'm grateful for every little ray of sunshine I can get, dudes.

- BabySteve and Kristie built a house and just moved in AND they're knocked up! WOO! Kristie is due in April. I'm pretty pumped. So many new behbehs in my family!

- There is a Trader Joe's here, but only one! It's in Nashville and YES, I do drive in every week and do my shopping there!

- Our house is AWESOME. I love living here. Our neighborhood is a bit of a mixed bag, but so was North Hollywood, so no change there.

- Oh yeah, the Bermans are knocked up, too!

I think, for the moment, that's all the pertinent info. We're doing well, despite my joblessness. It's a tough time, but I have an amazing husband and an awesome mom and a rad dog. And now I have to go watch Horatio Caine marry Marisol. Sadly, because I already wiki'd the show, I know that she gets shot. Why do I DO that to myself?

Get Your Kicks On Route 66

2009-07-01T07:27:00.001-05:00

Just a quick update from the road while I wait for MFDC to finish clearing out his sinuses in the shower:

The best time to move across the country is NOT July.

It turns out you can take a Vicodin by accident, only to realize it later with an incredulous laugh followed by crushing disappointment that the bond you'd made with the road and the ease with which you thought you'd be able to drive 10 hours a day was entirely drug-induced.

There is no limit to the amount of times the Universe will force your husband to unhitch and re-hitch your car after 10 hours of driving and before dinner.

Worse drivers so far (excluding Los Angeles, because they're just a way of life in California): Albuquerque, NM.

Hottest temperature through which we labored: 116 degrees.

We ate AWESOME steaks at The Big Texan yesterday. Upon leaving the restaurant, we saw black clouds heading in our direction. We decided to hit the road post haste, only to discover that the route curved INTO the coming storm. The wind picked up, the temperature dropped 20 degrees and it started to rain sideways. We pulled off the road to wait it out - MFDC in the truck and me in the Passat. Both vehicles, weighed down with all our worldly goods and their own considerable weight (the Passat is a TANK, dude!) were bouncing and shaking in the wind. Purple lightening, giant cracks of thunder, flooding gutters... I was expecting a funnel to touch down at any moment but it never happened, thankfully!

So far, I have managed to find a Starbucks in every one of our stopover cities (much to MFDC's annoyance, I'm sure!), but I'm not so optimistic about our current one: Shamrock, TX. Although, I will say that the Holiday Inn Express here is quite nice.

Somewhere in Arizona, the Passat was hit by a pickup truck in the parking lot of a gas station with me in it. The dude totally drove away. No obvious damage was done to the car, but I think the tire absorbed most of the impact and perhaps the car's alignment is slightly off at the moment.

Last night, as we were pulling into a Dairy Queen to turn around (we had missed the entrance to our hotel), these dudes in a pickup truck (coincidence?) decided that they wanted to exit the same way I was entering and so they made straight for me. It was like a game of chicken. I managed to maneuver around them, but it shook me up pretty good and, of course, it didn't help that when they passed me they leaned out their windows and gave me a shit-eating grin. I was in a foul mood for the rest of the night.

How many attempts of her life can one girl be expected to tolerate? The next fucker that tries to mess with me is going to get an earful of me. And if you that doesn't sound like much of a threat to you, just know that I'll be channeling the Wrath of Loretta. You won't know who to pray for!

These Are A Few...

2009-06-23T09:31:00.002-05:00

Things I will miss about L.A., in no particular order:

1.) 10% humidity or less
2.) Sun 11.5 months out of the year
3.) My friends, obvs
4.) My coworkers
5.) My 7 miles commute
6.) My favorite restaurants*
7.) Buglessness
8.) Guera
9.) Cheap pedicures
10.) My team of medical and therapeutic experts, aka, My Medi-Posse
11.) The restaurant grading system.
12.) Cupcakes
13.) Democrats
14.) My hair stylist at Capella, Andrea.

Things I will absolutely NOT miss about L.A.:

1.) Traffic. Come on. You knew that would be first.
2.) Smog
3.) Wildfires
4.) Shanequa’s Theatre
5.) The Parking Meter Militia
6.) Paying state income tax, Bitches!
7.) Ghetto Birds (is that not PC?)
8.) Living in Burbank Airport’s Flight Departure Pattern
9.) The Empire Center
10.) $1500/month for 847 sq. ft. in North Hollywood
11.) Budget Deficit, on a personal AND state level
12.) Prop H8**
13.) Earthquakes (even though they’re always good for a hit of adrenaline!)
14.) The breed of Douchebag specific to L.A. and nowhere else.

*In 'N Out Burger, Country Kitchen in Chatsworth, Morton's, Cafe Stella, Katsu-ya, EAT, Philadelphia Sandwiches, Market City, Poquito Mas, Lares, Cafe Bizou, Marmalade Cafe, HUGO's, Mo's, Chez Nous, 25 Degrees, Magnolia (yes, I will miss it!), to name a few...

**I'm actually, consciously bummed that I will not be here to vote against it AGAIN in 2010!!!

Guera thought she was a lapdog.

I seriously considered her to be my Flower Girl!

Nashvillains, Y'all!

2009-06-14T21:33:00.003-05:00

Sooooooo... Most of you know this by now, but The L.A. Certas are soon to be known as The Nashville Certas. Y'all. I sort of alluded to this in one of my previous "update" posts, back when I was all fired up to, you know, blog several times a week.

For those you of we haven't managed to speak to personally yet because we're so freaking busy it's almost scary, this move is another brick in the foundation that will rise up to become The D & D Certa Empire Dynasty Legacy Legend Co. Inc., LLC.

Allow me to sketch out our roadmap, if you will. First: move to a city where MFDC can still flatten buildings with the sheer force of RAWK emanating from his bemandled person, second: where it's -at minimum- 50% cheaper to live and is, third: closer to our families so that we can get some help when we, fourth: spawn what will surely be the cheekiest, dimpliest, most near-sighted MFBCs ever. And so, as of June 9, we are officially Nashvillains. We signed a lease on an adorable, well-appointed townhouse on Oak Maple River Ferry Main Old Mill Farm Pine Cherry Road.

Y'ALL.

We depart from Los Angeles at the end of this month which is in two weeks. My mother is very fond of telling me that I only have 16, 15, 14, less than two weeks to DO EVERYTHING I NEED TO DO. Thanks, Mom. I KNOW.

Unfortunately, right when we finished putting in applications on our top two desired domiciles, my back decided to jump ship. I still don't know where it is. I think I'm at the point where I'll just have to learn to live without it. As a result, an entire week of wrapping up loose ends at home and at work has been lost while I've been laying in my bed on a heating pad answering work emails and reading romance novels. Online.

It will take every ounce of energy and as many painkillers as my mom can spare - not to mention copious amounts of Advil - to get us to the moment where I can bust out the Garmin GPS in Los Angeles, find our address in TN and hit the "GO" button. And then it will probably take until Flagstaff, Arizona until the damn thing finally connects to the satellite and tells us where to go.

I have no fear, though. I have my husband, who still reveals a little more awesomeness to me every day. I have the love and support of our incredibly excited families. I have the good wishes of my good friends and coworkers, who I will miss AWFULLY. I did not know it was possible to feel so extremely sad yet so unbelievably excited about the same thing; to be anxious yet confident. And yet, I'm feeling all those things. In addition to all the wrenching back pain!

This - more than my move to Boston at 18 as a college freshman, or to L.A. at 22 as a dreamer, or to New Jersey at 24 as a sick, lonely girl, or to Manhattan at 25 as a gamble, or back to L.A. at 29 as a woman in love - will be the one move that catapults me closer than ever to everything I've always wanted.

And, yes, Loretta is coming, too. Not to worry, kids! They've got cheesesteaks in Nashville!

PS - Now that the cat's outta the bag at work, trust that I'll be keeping you up to date in my spare time, however much it is.

PPS - Below: the front porch of our new townhouse, which has over 300 more square feet than our current place, yet is $700 LESS per month! Wiiiiiiiiiiiide Open Spaaaaacessssss.

Has Anyone Seen May 2009? I Think I Misplaced It...

2009-05-27T15:48:00.003-05:00

I never meant to leave you, my little chicken nuggets! It's just that I've been beeeeeeeezzzeeeeee. Not as busy as my brother and his wife, though! Check out this little guy!

Evan Cooper Stitt, born May 3, 2009, 7 lbs. 10 oz., 21" long.

He had a bit of a bumpy landing. He was born via emergency C-section and spent a couple days in the NICU, but he's doing so well now, growing and gaining weight like a champ! Isn't he gorgeous?

Babies Shooting Out Everywhere!

2009-04-24T18:00:00.002-05:00

Jeez, I haven't even had a chance to formally introduce you to my new nephew, Brayden Joseph, and now it would appear that there is another nephew or niece to arrive very soon! My sister, Cindy, gave birth to Brayden exactly 2 months ago tomorrow and now my brother, Wayne, and his wife could very well be welcoming their long-awaited little one this weekend! We don't know the sex of that baby, so when I know, you will know!

Please keep Wayne, Lisa and Baby in your thoughts, and say hello to Brayden Joseph, who was pushed into the world on February 25th at 7:28 a.m., weighing in at a hefty 8 pounds. He's a big boy. Sadly, I haven't met him yet, but when I do, I'm pretty sure he'll be big enough to beat me up for taking so long!

Cindy and Jason had a professional photographer over to the house when Brayden was 2 weeks old.

I LOVED this little outfit! Like a l'il Jimmy Cagney!

SEE?? He's totally going to beat me up when we meet each other for the first time out-utero. Just because he can.

You can read Brayden's birth story here.

And speaking of babies, if you haven't already done so, please consider donating to the March of Dimes walkers this weekend, via The Muppet's site or through March for Maddie. We're so lucky that all babies born into our lives recently (Teddy, Frankie Jane, Brayden Joseph, Ian William, Wayne & Lisa's baby - just in the past 12 months!) were full-term and then some! But many, many babies arrive too far ahead of schedule and require expert care and resources. Giving a little bit to the March of Dimes will help them to achieve their ultimate goal - babies born when they're ready for the world and not a moment sooner.

What Having A Camera Up Your Butt Will Teach You About Yourself

2009-04-23T23:18:00.003-05:00

So the prep day was awful and I made sure everyone I was in contact with knew how awful it was. At first you think, mmm! Some yummy broth! And some apple juice! I like broth and apple juice! And ooooh! Green jello! It's been a long time since I've have green jello. I'm usually a black cherry jello girl myself...

By the end of the day, belly still roiling, butt raw, you take a look at the last can of broth and you just want to hurl it at someone's head. It doesn't matter who it is, just so long as it ensures there's another person on this planet as miserable as you.

Here's what I learned about myself in the 36 hours I was on a liquid diet and pooping my brains out:

1.) I didn't realize how much I snacked in a day until after the first 17 times I wandered into my kitchen, only to get mad at myself, turn around and mope back to my bed.

2.) I like chewing things.

3.) This colonoscopy came around the same time of year I had my gall bladder removed 5 years ago. I discovered Cottonelle wipes at that time. I pretty much celebrated my 5 year anniversary with Cottonelle wipes for an entire day. Cottonelle and I have been together longer than I have been with my husband.

4.) There's a lot of time to think about stupid things (see #3) when you can't really go anywhere or do anything because you're pooping every 40 seconds.

5.) I'm never as thirsty as I am when I'm told I can't drink water. Yet, during a workday, I can go hours without water if I'm not good about refilling my bottle.

6.) It IS possible to take a shower in less than 4 minutes, but that doesn't mean I left the bathroom right away.

7.) I like IV sleepy time drugs and I was probably oddly excited about the opportunity to sleep the sleep that only comes from stuff which must be administered by a medical doctor so you don't accidentally die. That was nice.

8.) There is a certain freedom in knowing that your doctors and nurses listen to their patients fart 47 times in the first 5 minutes after they wake up from a colonoscopy. It just makes it so much easier to let 'em rip while also making polite conversation - that is, when you're not turning to your husband after a particularly impressive release and saying, "Oh my GOD, dude! Did you HEAR that? It felt SO GOOD. I love you. Want some juice?"

9.) I have a hiatal hernia. My mom has one, too. It's genetic. I won't link to it because there's a gross picture associated with it, even though it's not at all gross.

10.) The patient before me, a woman of about 55 years, asked for copies of the photos taken of her colon during her procedure. So she could post them to Facebook. I was mad I didn't think of it first.

Bonus Item: My husband RULZ.

Overall, the prep sucks, the procedure is a cake walk, the air is sort of annoying but farting can be fun, I have a hiatal hernia but the appearance of a perfectly healthy colon, biopsy results back in 2 weeks, B12 shot was ridiculously easy and already making a difference, and I got pretty flowers and an iPod shuffle for Administrative Professionals day, which was yesterday.

Life is good.

Clear As A Bell

2009-04-21T12:27:00.005-05:00

The following are the clear foodstuffs to which I am limited for the next 13 hours:

It's a good thing I like everything suggested on my prep sheet, otherwise I'd be screwed.

I am working from home today so I can consume the small, recommended quantities of my clear foodstuffs and suffer my hunger pains and low blood sugar nausea in solitude. Then around 3 p.m., I'll begin heavily dosing myself with pills that will help clear the way for the eyes on the other side of the Camera Up the Butt Procedure.

I'm already pretty anxious about the whole thing, not because it's a medical procedure - I've had plenty of those. I'm anxious because it's an unknown medical procedure. I'm supposedly too young for it, but it's medically necessary according to the communication going on between my Doctor's office and my insurance company right now to ensure that the anesthetic is covered.

Anyway, what's on the other side of the camera that will go down my throat and then up my butt (and hopefully in that order!)? I have no idea. Hopefully, some good, solid answers. I'd be happy if I heard, "We found a gut elf and he's been absorbing all your B12, the little bastard. We took him out, though. It wasn't pretty. But soon you'll be good as new and will no longer walk around feeling hella less than 100%!"

I'd be happy with that. I just need an answer. I'm one of those. I can't. not. know. And not knowing BEFORE the procedure is producing the same effect as I imagine those pills will. I can't help it. It's my natural reaction to anxiety. Stress at work: Gotta poo! Near-death traffic event: Gotta poo! Need to have a difficult conversation: Gotta poo! Paying bills online: Gotta poo! Running to make it somewhere on time: Gotta poo, very inconveniently!

Now I'm off to some broth and white grape juice, followed by green jello once it re-solidifies (accidentally left it out overnight... Whoops)!

Stay tuned for the next installment of today's medical drama, in which I inject myself for the very first time ever with liquid B12. Because that's what it's come to, kids. Self-injections. I wish Madonna were here to do it for me. I heard she gives herself B12 injections. Maybe that's how she's able to run around performing on stage at the age of 50, all the while not looking a day over 47!!!

UPDATE: Scratch the Pomegranate white tea. I forgot it steeps to a deep pink, which is a big no-no during Camera Up the Butt prep. No orange or red colors, just green or yellow.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

2009-04-20T18:06:00.003-05:00

According to this article at 247wallst.com, one of the 12 major brands they predict will close by the end of 2010 is:

6. Gap (GAP) Old Navy and Banana Republic. Gap is a three-brand company living in a two-brand body. In March, same-store sales for the Gap North America flagship brand were off 14% following a 14% drop in the same month in 2008. Sales at Old Navy were flat for the same month but dropped 27% in March 2008. Sales at Banana Republic were off 16% this year and 8% last year. Gap announced that year-to-date net sales were $2.08 billion for the nine weeks that ended April 4, 2009, a decrease of 9% compared with net sales of $2.28 billion for the nine weeks that ended April 5, 2008. Old Navy has more stores than Banana Republic, 1,067 compared to 573. In the fourth quarter of last year, Gap had less than a 6% operating margin on $4.1 billion in revenue. In other words, if same-store sales at the company continue to drop 15% month after month, Gap is going to run into problems. Old Navy is still the weakest brand of the lot. Gap will have to close it down.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! NO! I do NOT accept this! I just effing opened an account at Old Navy (aka, Old Slavey for the fact that its cheap, cheap clothes come at a high price to child laborers in distant lands)slash Gap slash Banana Republic slash Piperlime.com. Where will I shop once Gap closes Old Navy down? How the HELL will I be able to stay clothed during my yearly weight fluctuations? How is it possible that they are doing poorly when every time I walk into that store it's always picked over by what could have only been a herd of bargain hunters? How? HOW?

Look, it's not that I PREFER Old Navy over other brands. I go with Old Navy because it's cheap and I'm hard on clothes. I bump into things: sharp things, pointy things, greasy things, ink things, bleachy things... It's no big deal when I drop a forkful of gluten-free mac 'n cheese on an Old Navy tee shirt. It was only $5 anyway. It was good while it lasted. But if I dropped that same forkful of gluten-free mac 'n cheese on, say, a GAP tee or an Anthropologie tee (the labor practices of both most likely as dubitable as Old Slavey, which is clearly not reflected in the actual price of their garments), I would be SICK! SICK!

I would jump up, tear the house apart looking for the Stain Stick, and all the while my half-full belly would be churning with anxiety over the potential loss of my >$5 shirt. I am so accident-prone and such a stain-magnet that I could not POSSIBLY afford to clothe myself at any price point greater than that of Old Navy and still maintain my peace of mind and a reasonably "fashionable" wardrobe.

Help me, Target. You're my only hope.

A Thousand Miracles

2009-04-12T12:59:00.003-05:00

Things like this restore my faith in humanity and serve to remind me that, regardless of our religious beliefs, values, political leanings or race, the only label that should and does matter is ultimately that of being human.

Maddie's story is slamming into hearts all over the world. Here is a link to the LA Times story that made it into today's Sunday edition.

Also, you can find more information on the evidence of how deeply Maddie's story has touched those on the interweb, Twitter, and pretty much everywhere else!

There are dozens and dozens of March of Dimes walking teams springing up all over the country on Maddie's behalf.

Read Maddie's whole story here, from her very premature birth to her tragically premature death. See for yourself how her personality and spirit burned so bright that she captured and branded the hearts of anyone and everyone following her life.

And then go hug your loved ones real tight. They're your tribe.

Boarding At 5:35 A.M. BARF.

2009-04-11T17:26:00.000-05:00

Dan and I are heading to Indiana tomorrow to hang out with his extended family and celebrate the fact that we got married but didn't get to invite any of them - not because we didn't want them there, but because The Man was keeping us down in the form of fire codes. And, admittedly, small and intimate was our goal.

For some reason I thought our flight was at 9:25 a.m. I suppose that's because that time was the itinerary I originally picked online and then waited another couple weeks to book. When I finally did, that departure was no longer available at a decent price so we had to go with the bargain basement departure of 6:05 a.m. Oops.

Waking up that early for a flight usually isn't a problem for Dan or me. We travel exceedingly well together. Actually, we do most things exceedingly well together which is why I went and married him and am now mired in name-changing paperwork and known by some government agencies as Danielle Certa and by others as Danielle Wright.

The problem with waking up that early is not dealing with sleep-deprivation, but rather the pukey feeling I get whenever I haven't had enough sleep. I wake up and my stomach is a mess. I don't think it's anxiety because I take magic pills made of calming unicorn dust for that. It's something I have always dealt with in my life. I know that if it's 10 p.m. and I have to wake up at 3:30, I will feel the desire to vomit in the first couple hours of being awake.

This does not bode well for child rearing, since it's a foregone conclusion that I will be severely sleep-deprived. I listen to what my sister is going through with her 7 week-old (aren't they supposed to be sleeping all night by then? And wiping their own butts?) and all I can think is, how will I be able to take care of my little, bearded, mandled Baby Certa when all I'll want to do is puke?

I wish men lactated. MFDC would TOTALLY moob-feed his baby! I know he would! Even if only for the simple fact that moob-feeding would keep his chest in such a state so as to provide countless hours of entertainment and wonderment. He would be all, "Check out my chesticles, bitches! I can feed my BABY AND play with these moobs! I win!"

I'm not really sure how I went from talking about visiting family to how I feel like puking when I wake up before 6 to MFDC breastfeeding our baby, but... here we are.

I'm very much looking forward to our visit to Indiana, despite our awful departure time. I enjoy hanging with all the other Certas and plus, we'll get to see the Carters for the first time in a long time. In fact, MFDC and I have never hung with the Carters while we've been a couple, even though Fer is the twitch that started this whoooooooooole thing!

Should be good times. I'll post from Indy if I get a chance and have anything interesting to say, but I expect I'll be very busy eating and smelling sweet little beh beh heads.

Stop Reading If You Don't Want A Broken Heart

2009-04-08T18:01:00.006-05:00

I figured I'd dust off this stale, musty blog here in the hope that it would reach at least one of the few of you who still check in here, and that it might compel you to help.

I work with a copywriter named Mike. I don't know him very well, but I do know he's very nice, he's very good at what he does, he's very patient with our Accounts Payable process (he's a contractor and therefore invoices us for his hours worked), and, sadly - terribly - he lost his first and only child yesterday, Madeline Alice Spohr.

She was 17 months old. That link will give you the full story, but the less-painfully detailed version is that she was born premature. Preemies, as most of you may or may not know, are very susceptible to illness and breathing problems due to the relative immaturity of their lungs at birth. Maddy became ill on Sunday night and yesterday she was gone.

Even though I barely know Mike, my heart still breaks for him. He is living the unimaginable. His nightmares have come true and now he will never be the same, no matter where life takes him from here.

Mike and his wife Heather have asked that, in lieu of flowers. donations be made to Madeline's March of Dimes team walk. So far, almost $23,000 has been raised.

Friends of theirs have also set up a PayPal link [UPDATE! Direct Link to PayPal when you click on Maddie's picture to the left], where you can donate cash directly to the Spohrs at formaddie@hotmomreviews.com.

Since I work with Mike and I process his invoices, I also know that his contractor status means he does not receive paid leave under California's FMLA or any other sort of paid time off. Therefore, Dan and I made the choice to donate directly to the PayPal link. Money should be the least of their worries at this time.

I'm hoping you read this and that you're as moved to donate as we were. I know we all have our own problems in life, I know we're all feeling the pinch of the current economy, but we also have so many reasons to feel blessed right now. Even if you only have $5 to give, and even though it won't help ease the gut-wrenching pain in Mike and Heather's hearts right now, you will make a difference to them by giving it.

#637

2009-04-08T13:45:00.000-05:00

That number is significant only in that it is my 637th post, which sort of astounds me. Also, I've been running this here blog for just over five years now. That's astounding, too. With the exception of primary school, I don't think I've ever done anything for 5 years straight! Including stay at one place of employment! That this is my 637th post is not what is compelling me to write on this half-sunny, half-overcast California morning.

File this under "Personal Characteristics Which I Despise About Myself." First, some back story.

I met with my Gastro Doc yesterday. If I told you his name, you wouldn't believe me. It's sort of onomatopoetic to his specialty, actually. His name might as well be Dr. Brmph! In fact, I think that's what I'll call him: Dr. Brmph!

So, I saw Dr. Brmph! yesterday. I'm not quite sure what I was expecting. When I saw him 6 weeks ago, we agreed upon a "slow 'n steady" course of treatment which would require that I start exercising, meet with a dietician, and then follow whatever food plan she recommended for me. I met with the dietician, made a few changes here and there, but nothing significant; nothing that was noticeable on the scale or in my appearance. I stopped eating nuts and leafy greens because they were making life unbearable for me a few moments every day, so I decided to back off them for a while. That's about all I did.

The night before I had been to see my psychiatrist, from whom it had been impossible to hide my non-compliancy in terms of what is required in order for me to stay healthy and relatively balanced in all areas of my life. He called me on all my shit (pun intended! Or, as my mom would say "Punt intended!), but didn't give me any time to tuck my tail between my legs. He immediately started explaining the ramifications of my current inaction and threw out several treatment options which addressed the cold, hard fact that what I do to my body on a day to day basis has a direct correlation to how I feel in my brainal area. And he understood and explained the biological chemistry behind what I was going through and why I just couldn't up and solve all my personal issues, both physically and emotionally, the way I feel like everyone has been expecting me to do.

So you can see how I was already a little... I don't think defeated is the right word here. I think I was chagrined as I sat on the exam table waiting for Dr. Brmph! Chagrined and tired. Dr. Brmph! entered the room and read his report of my last visit aloud to me. I was sort of confused. I knew everything he was telling me because I had either told him or it had already been discussed between us.

Lest you are already formulating a comment to this post containing the words, "Hack" or "Quack," I feel like I need to stop here and point out that Dr. Brmph! is a leader in his specialty here in Los Angeles. He came highly recommended to me by someone with far worse physical issues than I have. I had to wait three weeks to see him and during that time there was never a cancellation that could get me in sooner. Dr. Brmph! is the shit. Again, punt intended.

Having said that, you can see why I was confused by this man wasting his time reiterating my last visit in such detail. Finally, he dropped something on me - a term for which I would like to coin right now: a pharmabomb. A pharmabomb is when your doctor tells you something I don't think too many people ever really want to hear: you can't manage your shit on your own, so now it's time for medical and pharmaceutical intervention. I have problems with this. As you well know.

Dr. Brmph! wanted to start me on a low-dose weight-loss drug to help me get the energy I needed to drag my fat, tired ass back to the gym and improve my overall well-being, with the understanding that it's not the permanent solution and that I would taper off it once I was feeling better and had better control of myself. This drug, even at its lowest dose, requires an EKG before it can be prescribed with confidence. He handed me a paper gown, made a joke about it's construction, and then told me a nurse would be in to do an EKG on me.

Stunned, I changed into the gown and then once again sat on the edge of the exam table feeling like a complete and utter failure. I teared up a little but I choked it back down. I pushed down my cuticles rather than consider the events which led up to the pharmabomb and my role in it.

The nurse came in and did the fastest EKG known to man. Once again, I found myself perched on the edge of the exam table, alone in the room and waiting for Dr. Brmph! to come back in. Having already pushed down my cuticles, I got up and checked my crackberry to see if there was anything work-related I could handle remotely while dressed in a paper gown. There was nothing for me, so I wandered over to the report Dr. Brmph! had been reading aloud to me at the start of my appointment and found a paragraph he had skipped.

In this paragraph he described my gross motor function as being normal (ha! HAHAHAHAH. My poor shins would say otherwise, I'm sure, if that's where my mouth happened to be instead of on my face!), as well as other things like the condition of my eyes and lungs and my neurological function. He also described my appearance and I have to say that I wish I had never walked over to that report. I wish he hadn't left my file open for me to see. But, unbelievably, I'm glad he did. I'll get to that.

He used medical terms, but essentially he was calling me fat! Me! Fat! At first I thought, "I BEG to differ, sir! I have been WAY FATTER." In the interest of keeping it real, however, which is something I have always tried to do on this blog, I realized with a hot, embarrassed, awful feeling that he was correct. I am, indeed, larger than the average lady bear. I always have been. I always will be. But, my smallest large is more ideal than my larger large, and my poor body and brains have had to bear witness to this fact over and over again.

I allowed myself to cry for about 4 seconds and then I choked it back down again because I could hear Dr. Brmph! getting ready to come back into the room again. He looked at my EKG, pronounced it perfect (at least I get one A among all the giant FAILS I seemed to be collecting that morning!) and we started my physical exam. He was talking about the pharmabomb again and our "slow 'n steady" treatment plan when I mentioned that a new symptom had cropped up in the past few weeks: I can't really eat wheat products anymore without experiencing asthma/hay fever-like symptoms. He asked me if I had trouble swallowing during those times and I said yes, sometimes.

I then divulged a few other new facts, the revelation of which inspired him to go from "slow 'n steady" to, "I honestly do think we'll end up doing an endoscopy on you," to "I'm scheduling you for an endoscopy and colonoscopy. How's April 22?"

The morning netted out like so: 1.) I was pharmabombed 2.) because I'm fat 3.) and my desire to have a camera up my butt will be fulfilled. Sort of a lose-lose-win if you ask me, but it's reality and I finally have to deal with that.

In addition to the whole, "It's a lifestyle" thing I talked about the other day, there's something else I have to battle. It took me 24 hours of processing and a ridiculous emotional reaction to something completely out of left field in order for me to rediscover this other thing: I'm spending too much of myself on other people.

To wit, hopefully by now you've read my Maddie Spohr post (and hopefully you've donated!). News of Maddie's passing has spread through the blog-world like a California wildfire. The support that has risen up has been amazing to watch and I'm happy I could enable a small part of the awareness the Spohrs need. I've seen posts similar to mine popping up on many of the blogs I read on a regular basis and it's touching and inspiring to behold.

Except- one mommy-blogger, while expressing her condolences for the Spohr family, opted not to get involved at all. She explained that she's a Highly Sensitive Person and as such, she felt it would be healthier for her to not involve herself the way other bloggers had because she was afraid she would get too involved or, as my therapist would say, "write checks she couldn't cash."

This ENRAGED me. I had been stewing over her post for a full day, mentally composing the comment I planned to post on her site in which I would verbally eviscerate her for being an insensitive hypocrite (she prevailed upon her readership to donate funds so she could attend BlogHer, and they came through quite generously). How DARE she not take even the smallest measure and post the damn PayPal link on her home page when she herself had been a recipient of the interweb's beneficence? Grrrr!

And then, this morning, as I was angrily unloading the dishwasher after a rather stupid discussion with my husband which had me cursing the fact that I always do things for other people at a great cost to myself and my time -and often all for naught!- (this was not in reference to MFDC directly, but rather a totally unrelated situation), I finally got it. I understood why that mommy blogger stepped back from what she recognized would be an all-consuming situation for her. She was smart enough not to write checks she knew she would not be able to cash and which, in the end, she would feel tremendously guilty for and which would ultimately exhaust her - the same way I exhaust myself on everyone else's behalf but my own. This has been my pattern my whole life. (I still think she's a bit of a hypocrite, but... I get it)

That's why my overall health is where it is. That's why my personal war with my weight fostered a pharmabomb. Nobody's going to figure it out but me. Nobody's going to look out for me but me. Nobody knows what it's like to be me and, clearly, I'm still figuring it out myself! And I AM me! It's a hard lesson to learn, but my personal fulfillment doesn't lie in what I can manage to do for other people. It requires a hard look in the mirror. And many, many hours on a treadmill.

Maybe once I accomplish that I'll be able to give without it costing me so dearly. But, for now, my resources are limited and I need to conserve and restore whatever I can in the best interest of myself, my family and my future.

Thanks for tuning in, Monkeys, and letting me keep it real.

Update

2009-04-07T12:29:00.001-05:00

So, I have decided to try and give this blog thing another go. I know I've said that in the past, but recent events (See the post about Maddie Spohr) have sort of brought home to me the community aspect blogs. I'm on Facebook every day, so why not my blog? I'll be able to cut down on my personal email obligations (it's not that I don't like writing personal emails - I do. It's just that sometimes I'm really lazy and it seems less rude to refer people to my blog if they want to keep up with me than send out form emails), and hopefully, find my swing again, especially if I have any hope of actually being paid to do this one day.

Casa del Certa is thriving, you'll be glad to know. Married life is awesome. People are still asking me how I like married life and I always respond the same, "It's awesome." It really is. Of course, we have it pretty easy. We both have good jobs, we're childless for the moment, everyone in our family is healthy and making progress in their own lives. We don't really have too many worries. However, every day I'm more and more certain that when we do come face to face with one of life's many major challenges, we'll be OK. We have complete trust and confidence in each other. We don't know how to be any other way. Obviously, I think we have what it takes to make it or I never would have gotten married. So far, so, so, so good.

Also, we have a few balls in the air about which we're very excited. I can't discuss all of them, because some of these "planballs" are still in the developmental stage (no, I am not pregnant), but I can talk about one or two.

For one, if we're really, really lucky, there will hopefully be a baby Certa on the way by the end of this year. We would have liked to have started earlier, but a few wrenches thrown into the cogs of our lives turned the whole "there's never really a perfect time to have a baby" thing into, "No, seriously. This REALLY is NOT that time." So, we're waiting. In the meantime, I need to transform my body into the ultimate EasyBake Baby Oven. Prenatal vitamins, though helpful, are not enough. I've stopped eating sushi (mercury sticks around for MONTHS!) and have been trying to find the motivation to exercise, but I'm sort of failing at that. I'm not sure how much more motivation I can get other than "for the health of your future children."

As Jillian said on the Biggest Loser (what? There are so many life lessons on that show that touch me deeply! For instance, gastric bypass surgery can lead to a 6-pack of MOOBS! Lesson learned!), "It's a lifestyle." And she's right, it totally is. I think I should know that better than most people considering how much weight I've lost in my lifetime, and how hard I had to work to reach that goal. But for me, I'm realizing, it HAS to be a lifestyle. There really is no other way. I'm not a natural athlete, nor am I naturally thin. I'm also one of those people who really should not be eating processed foods or too many starches/too much sugar/too much salt. I think I'm still a cavewoman in the most basic ways. Ooga Booga. Time for more fruits and veggies and less gluten-free Mac 'n Cheese (dudes, I have MASTERED that recipe. Come on, did you think I WOULDN'T?).

So, that's one of our planballs. Babymaking in Q4'09!! Woot!

Another planball is one I'm sure will be developing for a loooooooooong time. Like a lot of you, we're really trying to cut back on our expenses. We transferred all recurring payments that were hitting credit cards to our checking account. We adjusted the due dates to a lot of bills we thought would be easier to pay mid-month. We canceled our cable and restarted our Netflix instead. We've downgraded other services, too, and we cook more at home now than we ever did. In fact, we spent $424 less on eating out in March than we did in February. Yay Certas!

Eating out less is a constant goal we are forever chasing in Case del Certa. We looooooooove to eat out. We're foodies. And even though I can REALLY put my foot in it, I recently went through a personal energy crisis that found me in several doctors' offices looking for answers. The general consensus is that I need to:

Eat right. As I mentioned for me that means fruits, veggies, lean protein and brown rice products. That's about it!
Drink more water.
Exercise more.
I'm probably allergic to wheat.
I might have IBS.

That last thing I was DREADING. Throughout all the lethargy and stomach pain and irregular bowel activity (sorry), I was absolutely dreading hearing the letters I - B - S. I feel like it's sort of a blanket non-diagnosis and I don't mean any disrespect to people who also suffer from it. I know they're in real pain. I just KNOW there's something else going on inside my body and it's frustrating that I can't get the tests I want as fast as I want. I have another appointment with my supposedly Rockstar gastro Doc tomorrow. I'm going to ask him to skip the waiting and fast track all the tests he was trying to avoid in order to spare me any discomfort. Screw that! I have good insurance, I'm hoping to conceive at the end of the year, I can no longer digest nuts or leafy greens so can someone PLEASE stick a camera up my butt and find out what the hell is going on? Court, I know you're with me, girl!

On that note, I should probably end this post here. I'm going to continue to fudge the posting dates so I can leave the Maddie post at the top of this page - not because I'm trying to bum you out, but because I'm just trying to do what I can for the Spohr family.

Please keep on checking in. I'm going to be doing some Spring cleaning around here, not only to the site, but also in my mind. You never know what I might uncover next. I mean, seriously, I just confessed my desire to have a camera up my butt. You can safely assume TwerpsWorld has FINALLY entered a whole, new, unexplored territory!

Apartment Earth

2009-02-21T18:26:00.002-06:00

And the Lord said, "Go ye forth and plant yeself a cute little apartment garden, using the electricity I hath provided for ye via DWP."

"Then, ye shall add thine Starter Nutrients and the cute little apartment garden will starteth to bubble. You liketh bubbles!"

"Maketh sure that thou selects the proper setting for thine herbal pods. Heh heh, I said 'herbal pods.'"

"Turn the thing on and - Christ Almighty, but that's bright! Hmmm... Christ. I liketh that. Mental note: addeth Christ to thine own list of baby names. Where was I? Oh yes! That's quite bright! Now, addeth the Biodomes and before thou even sayest it, I'M SORRY FOR THAT MOVIE. I hath more than made up for it by providing thee with iTunes, Netflix, a sexy spouse and cheesesteaks, not to mention this cute little apartment garden. Enjoy ye the sprouting pods I hath given thee. That's what she doth said! HA! BEAT YOU TO IT. Amen."

A Marriage-themed Meme, via Dooce via Facebook

2009-02-18T19:46:00.002-06:00

What are your middle names?
Renee and Mark. BUT DO YOU KNOW WHOSE IS WHOSE? Hmm???

How long have you been together?
Together almost 3.5 years, married for 3 months. Whoa! It's only been 3 months?!

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
Oh Gosh... well, I knew of him for about 4 years before we started "dating." I think his awareness of me would be a lesser amount of time, however.

Who asked whom out?
Um... well, one day I told him over the phone that I had booked a flight to come visit him and the rest is history. Although, he called me first. I think that should count as the answer since our story is a bit unorthodox.

How old are each of you?
I'm 32, he's 34. The other day I actually blanked on my age for like, 3 minutes. Scary.

Whose siblings do you see the most?
Well, since we live so far away from our families, we really do try and spend an equal amount of time with both sides. But not nearly enough!

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
The economy. Oh, and reconciling/approving or vetoing movies in our NetFlix queues.

Did you go to the same school?
Nope! We had vastly different college experiences. However, our mutual love of burgers allowed us to overcome those differences.

Are you from the same home town?
No, he's from the Midwest and I'm straight-up Jerz. However, we are from very similar towns.

Who is smarter?
Dan is smarter but I think I may be more resourceful. He's like, scary smart. I'm just good in a crisis. :)

Who is the most sensitive?
Depends on the situation. I think Dan is more sensitive than anybody would ever guess, but I'm probably the most sensitive overall.

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Poquito Mas!

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
Cancun, Mexico

Who has the craziest exes?
Pass!

Who has the worst temper?
Me, no question. Except when we're driving, and then it's TOTALLY Dan.

Who does the cooking?
Me. Dan has been known to put some chicken bits into some sauce and bake it, though. He CAN cook. He's just better at eating his food than he is at cooking it!

Who is the neat-freak?
Neither. We're messy.

Who is more stubborn?
Well, I'll give you a hint: the most stubborn person in our relationship wears glasses, is over 6' tall, has a fine ass and a glorious, shiny beard. In other words, NOT ME.

Who hogs the bed?
I think Dan would say that I hog the bed but HE hogs the covers, so really, I'm just chasing warmth!

Who wakes up earlier?
Me. Always. When I first moved to L.A. and was still on New York time, I would wake him up at like, 7 a.m. every day to take me out for breakfast. He eventually got used to it.

Where was your first date?
Dimples. Close to Halloween. Bananas singing Bon Jovi.

Who is more jealous?
.........................................................................me. :(

How long did it take to get serious?
Leading up to the first date? About 4-5 months. After the first date? About 45 minutes!

Who eats more?
We both could eat about the same, which is fine for him and VERY BAD FOR ME.

Who does the laundry?
He does! And he gets better at it every week!

Who's better with the computer?
Oh, come on. Seriously. Dan. I'm lucky I even know what a computer is. Dan does things with a computer that would cause me to have seizures, and I'm not just talking about all the porn.

Who drives when you are together?
Depends on who has the parking spot! Generally, he drives since he has a better car. I call it our Traveling Chaise. It's a TANK of a vehicle, but it's peppy, too!

I'm Back, Bitches!

2009-01-14T13:40:00.002-06:00

I've been struggling for the longest time about how to put together the "Wedding Blog." Should I do it as a series? For example, should I start with my Bachelorette Party, a mere 4 days prior to my wedding and title it something like, "Bachelorette Party: The Pukening?" In that case, I would probably accompany it with a picture, maybe something like this:

If that was the first blog in the Wedding Blog series, then the Rehearsal Dinner would naturally be next, right? I would write about how it was a lovely time; how I was crazy busy right up until the dinner, for which I was 20 minutes late because I was wrapping gifts with Meghan's help; how I think the $100 I paid for the cupcakes I special ordered for the event were TOTALLY WORTH IT. Right? And then maybe I'd post these pictures, or similar:

I would probably follow that up with waking up the morning of the wedding to a gorgeous day and had some coffee and a light chat with Meghan and my mom. Then I'd talk about getting ready, yada yada yada. Then I'd talk about the ceremony and the reception and the love and the dancing and the cake and the drinking... I'd probably be too lazy and indecisive to hunt down all my favorite photos, so I would probably point you to my Facebook photos or our Flickr collection (it's a work in progress).

I would worry about whether I was appropriately conveying what a beautiful day it was, and how much it meant to us to have all our favorite people there to celebrate with us, even though we trapped them all on the island the next day. Well, WE didn't. But the winds did. Good times!

All that indecision and worry aggregated down to one thought: why can't I just say that my wedding was everything I wanted it to be and more? And my NEXT thought was that, IT'S MY FREAKING BLOG! And I CAN say that! Fer said so!

So, mah bitches, it's with much sincerity that I say unto you: Our wedding was THE SHIT. If you need FURTHER proof, you can check it out here. Password: wright.

And now, we move on! Let's start talking about the important stuff! Like, the Recession, the new POTUS, the latest season of the Biggest Loser and how I got to SWIM WITH FREAKING DOLPHINS.

Gosh I feel so much better. That was a huge burden for me, but I figured that it was high time I wrote about the wedding, especially considering I legally changed my name yesterday. I'm officially Danielle Renee Certa. Mrs. Certa, if you're nas-tay.

Seriously, folks. It was the loveliest and most magical day of my life so far.

Word.

Coming Soon: Wedding Blog

2008-11-22T12:53:00.001-06:00

Just gotta sort some things out first. Like pictures and memories and more pictures and my apartment, which looks like the tornado that carried Dorothy and Toto off to Oz. Except, without all the fun midgets.

MFDC-Mandated Chillaxin'

2008-10-25T13:49:00.002-05:00

So earlier this week I hit a giant wall of exhaustion and unwitting stupidity that made it painfully obvious that I had reached max bandwidth. So, MFDC ordered that, with the exception of doggy walks (I'm currently doggy sitting my two favorite doggies and their 2 cat-brethren) and a visit to the gym, I was to take the day "off." I fought it. As tired as I was, I was able to rattle off a heavy list of Things To Do Before We Get Married. But MFDC pushed back and I finally surrendered.

Right now I'm sitting on my couch under a blanket watching reruns of "House" and waiting for my coffee to be brought to me. Of course, I plan on finishing up my shower Thank You cards and also the schedule of events I need to send out to all the wedding guests so they don't land on Catalina Island and are all like, "Ok, so, we're here! Now what?" WHILE I'm chillaxing. Against MFDC's orders. But, you know, I'll rest on our honeymoon. ;)

Truer Words...

2008-10-15T18:40:00.002-05:00

While driving north on the 101 freeway Monday morning...

Me: Hmm... there's something grainy on the freeway that everyone's kicking up.

Him: Oh, probably just all the shattered hopes and dreams.

Shitting Sparkles

2008-10-12T19:20:00.002-05:00

The gown. It fits. It's beautiful. We cried. We ate Tastykakes and cheesesteaks and froyo to celebrate!

I'm on the couch today, resting for a few hours before I take up the battle for one more inch, you know, for safety. :)

I'm so happy and so weary. And also 100% ready to be a bride. There's still a lot to do, but at this point, the rest is all gravy.

Mmmmm... gravy.

But yeah, those fairies did not shit those sparkles in vain. In the words of the manager, who, coincidentally had been the biggest doubter but also the only person available to help me into my dress yesterday, "Oh my God, you did it, girl."

Fail to Plan...

2008-10-10T00:37:00.002-05:00

Gee, looks appetizing, doesn't it?

Allow me to explain, and hopefully I do a decent job of it despite my bone deep exhaustion:

Remember when I was all, "I refused to order my wedding in a giant size and fuck those bitches in the bridal shop?" Yeah, well, it turned out they were RIGHT about the size of my wedding dress.

My dress. My dress is gorgeous. It glows. It's a dream come true. It's my wedding dress. And, as of September 9, it was too small. Just a smidge. You know, about 3 inches across the hips to be exact.

I'm not sure what I was thinking between March and September of this year while fairies were busy shitting sparkles and sewing them into the wondrous fabric of my gown. I'm pretty sure I WASN'T thinking, otherwise, I would have kept my promise to myself and lost that last 10 pounds and been able to walk into that shop, slide into that dress, and have a happy, tender moment with my mom and my friend as I admired myself in MY dress, not the dirty, crinkly sample. I think I was too busy eating burgers and cheesesteaks to even think about all that.

I had actually convinced myself everything would be fine. The dress would fit. Even though I had ordered it 2 sizes smaller than was recommended and managed to GAIN 5 pounds on top of everything!

Honestly, I wasn't even going to blog about this, mostly because I was deeply, deeply embarrassed. As you well know, my struggles with my weight have been... struggles. And even though I've been entirely open about where I started, where I am now and how I got here, it really kind of sucked when the moment I first tried on my dress, I realized it was too small. I guess I thought those humiliating dressing room moments were over for me. And here was a reminder. Once a Fat Girl, always a Fat Girl.

I have to give a ton of credit to my Mom and to Courtney, because they really worked hard in those awful first moments of realization to keep me from completely breaking down. And then suddenly, after that huge wave of disappointment, a little flame inside me flickered and, with Courtney's prodding, I wanted to know 1.) how much more room the seamstress said I would need to get into the dress and 2.) exactly how long I had to make it happen.

We settled on a date of October 24. And, grudgingly, the shop ladies held back on their "I told you so's."

Fast forward through me pouting and being sad and my friends, family and MFDC heaping a ton of encouragement and support on me. Fast forward even through my bridal showers in NJ (which were awesome, and I totally enjoyed myself, but believe me, the dress thing was heavy on my mind) to the moment when Kimberly introduced me to her trainer via email. Thus began my journey to this point, where I am right at this moment, having just cooked a giant batch of marinated chicken and medium sweet potatoes.

It's all part of the master plan. Kimberly's trainer put me to work immediately. She told me what to do and I did it. She told me what to buy and I bought it. She told me what to eat and I ate it. And now I've lost 12 pounds since the first time I tried on MY dress in September. I've lost almost 3 inches, which was exactly what I needed to get into the dress. I'm almost there and I'm 2 weeks ahead of schedule!

I heard this great quote one night when I was just starting this training on The Biggest Loser. WHAT? Shut up! I love that show! Anyway, the quote, from one of the trainers, was "Fail to plan, plan to fail." That has been my biggest lesson learned from the past month. Getting fit takes resolve, energy, and LOTS of planning.

See, this is why I couldn't NOT share this. This is huge. This is triumph over evil(burgers). This is me with a fire lit under my ass! This is me channeling my inner Bridezilla and sicking her on myself!

I have a fitting scheduled Saturday. It's really just a check-in fitting to see where I am with the dress and how far I may still have to go to make my final fitting by October 24. I'm so close that I'm not even nervous. I'm not even scared. I'm excited. I'll have my best good friends and my mom with me and I have a feeling it will be a good day.

In fact, I've done so well, my trainer is allowing me to have a meal of my choice after the fitting, but then it's right back to business! Because I am still motivated by a deep, deep resolve that no one will touch my dress unless I say so. It's a work of art. There will be not one stitch of embroidery released, not one bead shifted from where it is right now. Not on my watch!

If You Were A Fly On Our Wall

2008-10-07T14:30:00.002-05:00

While choosing music for the wedding playlists:

Him: This?

Me: No

Him: This?

Me: No

Him: This?

Me: No
...

Me: This?

Him: Um... gee... uhhh... nah.

Me: Fine, this?

Him: I've never heard of this song.

Me: HOW HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD "IT TAKES TWO" BY ROB BASE?!

Him: I'm from Indiana, Baby.
...

While exercising at home to the 80s cable music station, one of the necessary things I am doing these days to avoid major reconstructive surgery on my gorgeous Wedding Dress, which glows as though it were made by fairies...

Me: What... what is that you're doing?

Him: Dancing! Unh! Unh! Unh!

Me: You dance like... like someone animated Stephen Hawking!
...

While doing high knee kick warm-ups with my ever-supportive husband-to-be:

Him: C'mon! Higher! Grab Sarah Palin's head and just UUURRRNH! Right in her face!

Me: UUURRRNH! UUURRRNH! UUURRRNH!
...

Him, turning into Richard Simmons by the day, minus all the gay: Come on! Get those knees higher, let's go!

Me: I know! But I had a long day! I'm tired. I had a dentist appointment and-

Him: The Dress doesn't care! The Dress doesn't care!

Me: Oh God! You're right! UUURRRNH!

Bouncey Bouncey

2008-10-02T16:30:00.002-05:00

I feel like a friggin' pinball these days. As soon as I hit one target, I have to shoot off and hit another one. I have to be a pinball in perpetual motion, otherwise I'll slip through those little arm thingies and lose.

A LOT is going on, as you can imagine. Work is busier than it has ever been and in the meantime, we're trying to finalize all the little details of our upcoming nuptials. I seem to think I have more time than I actually have as far as that's concerned! My mind is one long string of I Have To's. On top of all that, I feel like being so preoccupied has actually made me more stupid in many areas.

So many nouns in my sentences have been replaced with some variation of the word "thing." And verbs have been replaced by hand gestures. And, when all else fails, I default to a blank stare, quickly followed by, "I'm sorry, what?"

But time is marching on. Actually, I think time is marching on in double-time right about now! On one hand, I'm all, "Yay! We're getting married soon!" And on the other, I'm all, "HOLY SHIT, THERE IS STILL SO MUCH TO DO."

Which reminds me, I have shit I need to go do.

I hope you're all well. I know I owe you shower photos. Soon, soon, soon!

Oh, Life

2008-09-19T19:48:00.004-05:00

Lots of balls in the air right now, kids, and I'm feeling generous, so if you want to make jokes about some of those balls flying at my face in the comments section, I'll tolerate it.

Less than two months until I get married and it just doesn't seem like enough time! Not enough time to line up the details, get toned, get fitted, get whiter teeth, clearer skin, the right music, the right gifts, the right timing, etc. So, I'm taking tomorrow to just work on wedding stuff, because my job is such these days that I just do not have the time to plan my wedding from work. Can you IMAGINE?

This means that I will need to tear myself away from endless home improvement/reality shows to make decisions and plans and lists. There will be a ton of coffee involved.

I'm also starting a sort of Bridal Bootcamp tomorrow that will hopefully get me into the shape in which I'd like to be on my wedding day. I'm also hoping my Proactiv order arrives tomorrow because all this that I'm writing about here? It's apparent on my FACE. Awesome!

But I'm not complaining. Please don't mistake this conversation for complaining. I still can hardly believe I'm here at this point in my life, planning a wedding and ordering prenatal vitamins online (Hi, Baby! I ordered prenatal vitamins online! Please do not freak out!). I can't believe I get to wear the prettiest dress I have ever seen in less than 2 months! It's all flying by so fast, I wish I could hang onto it a little longer...

So, I haven't written about them yet, but I've had a total of four Bridal Shower-type celebrations. There was a shower in late June in Indiana thrown for us by MFDC's parents and sister, Gina. Then there was a Bridal Tea hosted by Meghan two weekends ago. Finally, last weekend I was in New Jersey for two back-to-back showers: one for my dad's side and one for my mom's. I had so much fun at all four events and I will post several pictures from all of them. I was waiting to do so until they had all passed and I could cover them in one fell swoop on this blog because 1.) I'm lazy and 2.) I'm lazy!

I am just so grateful for my family and my friends, and I've never been more aware of how much until I started preparing to take this giant step into the next phase of my life. Sometimes it's hard for me to feel the love people beam in my direction, mostly because I don't feel very deserving of it. Which is why I am in therapy and take a little green pill every morning. But I think I've come far enough to know that when people gather to celebrate an event in my life, they do so out of great love. Sure, I may still have to remind myself that it's all very, very real. This difference is that now I accept it.

Life is good.

Almost There!

2008-09-04T17:00:00.002-05:00

Today, MFDC and I applied for our Marriage License. Our good friend,Mrs. Berman, strongly recommended that we submit our application online, which I did the other day. Then, MFDC and I decided we would hit the West Hollywood court since it's closest to my office.

He picked me up from work around 12:40ish, we arrived at exactly 1 p.m. and bada-bing, bada-boom, 8 minutes later we had our license, photos documenting the occasion, and were on our way to In & Out burger to celebrate. Wheeee!

The Swearing, where we raised our right hands and promised that we wasn't lyin' on them there forms.

Licensed to Wed.

No Complaints

2008-08-25T19:11:00.000-05:00

1.) I would like to simultaneously extol the virtues and warn against the perils of Absolut Pear.

2.) I had a confession to make this morning, but I forgot it. Dammit!

3.) I’m getting married in 75 days.

4.) I closed my WaMu account today and came back to the office and put the debit card through my shredder.

5.) I’m still totally blanking on that confession.

6.) I’ve been told by my doctor that if I want to get knocked up sometime in the next several months (Gaaah!), I have to stop eating sushi NOW (GYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAH!)

7.) MFDC and I LOVE Outback Steakhouse.

8.) We also love getting drunk and watching Project Runway.

9.) BabySteve has been officially ordained by a Native American Church, which is totally legal here in California, so he’s clear to perform our marriage ceremony. Hereafter, he shall be referred to as Brother Who Stands Tall on this blog.

10.) My wedding dress won’t be in until 4 weeks before my wedding.

That’s enough for today.

Life Shrinks Or Expands In Proportion To One's Courage*

2008-08-13T15:01:00.004-05:00

Or, in my case, waistlines shrink or expand in proportion to the food one shoves down one's gullet blah blah blah.

Yeah, so I lost the 9 pounds and then MFDC and I went on a food binge that I can only justify by classifying it as training for our honeymoon, which will find us supported mostly by elastic waistbands and flowy dresses. I'll leave it up to your imagination who will be wearing what. That is, when we're not nekkid. Tee hee.

So, yeah, so I regained the 9 pounds I lost. And then my body totally put me through a lot of shit in protest to the gluten I was heaping into it. Pain. Pain and gas. Lots of gas. I tried to take on South Beach Phase 1 again, but I decided life without fruit is not worth living, so I modified it to include my morning, gluten-free cereal and fruit.

And since then, I have lost 6 pounds. So, if you're keeping track, that's why my tracker has been all over the place.

In other news, in less than 3 months, I will be joined in holy matrimony to the MFDC foreves and I gotta say, I'm pretty pumped.

People keep asking me 1.) how the wedding plans are coming with an underlying tone of "Dude, you MUST be freaking the fuck out" and 2.) do I plan to have babies with an underlying tone of "You do realize you'll need to cut back on the caffeine, right?"

I try to mix up my responses just so I don't get bored answering the same questions over and over again. The wedding plans are moving on target and yes, the Goddess willing, there will be Certalettes in the not-overly-distant future. One thing at a time, folks!

Mental health-wise, I have my good days and bad days, just like everyone else. It's usually directly tied to what I eat. If I eat shitty food, I feel shitty. IMAGINE THAT? I'm like a goldfish with this information, though. So every time I go through it and realize that I feel like shit because I've been eating shit (not literally), it's like an epiphany on auto-refresh.

I'm settling into my "new" position here at work, which is nice. It was hectic for a while. Especially because I was doing a lot of extra doggysitting and babysitting when my workload exploaded, but the dust is settling, which leaves me spare time and bandwidth for things like updating my blog and going back and forth incessantly about chair covers and menu cards.

So there it is. An update of sorts. Still plugging along, waiting for the day when I meet this juicy specimen at the end of a very short aisle:

Hands off, bitches! He's mine!

* Anais Nin said that. I am not that deep.

The Battle Of The Bleeeaaaagh!

2008-07-30T19:31:00.003-05:00

So, in the space of about 2 weeks, I lost 9 pounds, my mind, my old job title and the freedom of being Blackberryless.

In lieu of pity, please make a donation to your favorite children's charity.

Love,
Danielle

Yes, We're OK

2008-07-30T00:03:00.001-05:00

Shakey, shakey.

Allow Me To Explain Myself

2008-07-17T15:34:00.004-05:00

The Dress. It will be here any day now. Actually, I expected it to be here already, but there was a “new way” of measuring length required by the dressmaker that necessitated two trips back to the bridal salon over a span of about 7 days. So, I’m thinking that The Dress will be slightly delayed due to the time it took for the maker to have a complete set of measurements.

Ah, yes. The measurements. The reason we are here (yes, we - we are all here on this journey with me, except you get to waste time reading about it while I take on the burden of deprivation and hunger, but I’m a giver, so I don’t mind… and I’m not passive-aggressive at ALL), is because I pretty much had a knock-down, drag-out fight with the micromanager of the bridal salon regarding the size of wedding dress to order.

I will tell you all quite candidly that, at the time these measurements were taken, I was the size of the average American female, who is also the size of the average British female. That, my pets, is a size 14.

I am not ashamed to admit to being a size 14 because there was a time in my life when I teetered on the verge of being TWICE that size. However, I went and lost about 14 sizes employing two methods of weight loss: one being Weight Watchers, which saw me through my first 35 pounds, the second being my own personal, modified version of the South Beach diet, wherein I completely quit sugar and white flour, took on some cardio about 5 days a week, and lost another 60 pounds.

It was quite difficult and I’m proud of having accomplished it. I would say my size at my heaviest was a tight 24, as measured by Lane Bryant, the only store in which I could shop and find something relatively fashionable at the time.

Wedding dresses are a total racket. Anybody who tells you differently makes them for a living. In fact, weddings are a bit of a racket, to tell the truth. It can be frustrating. On one hand, all you really want to do is be married to your One True Love, even if that means running down to City Hall on your lunch break and making it happen. In a lot of ways, I’d be happy with that scenario.

However, while I was never the girl that thought I would be having a giant wedding with a chocolate fountain and an ice sculpture, I did always envision a rad party with my then-faceless husband, at the very least surrounded by our closest family and friends, who would look proudly and happily upon us as my new hubby facelessly beamed golden rays of love in my direction. In that way, I admit very much to being a “girly-girl.”

As a result, I have to take part in the racket that is the Average American Wedding, searching endlessly among the piles and piles of over-priced SHIT the wedding industry tries to convince you is necessary to make your wedding day PERFECT, because of all the days of your life, your wedding day SHOULD BE PERFECT and if it’s not PERFECT, then it’s probably because you didn’t cave in and pay $11.99 a pound for some shitty, pastel-colored Jordan almonds as part of your favors. SO IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT.

I digress. Well, maybe not. Moving on…

I found the Perfect Dress. It was such a great feeling and all I could think about was how MFDC might feel when he saw me in it, and I got chills. I honestly got chills, because it’s not often MFDC feels anything, let alone something in the realm of "tender," but I just KNEW he would feel something when faced with the vision of his wife-to-be in The Dress.

Back in the dressing room, while I was reluctantly stepping out of The Dress after trying it on and picking a matching veil, which are both so very, very pretty, the manager of the bridal salon stepped into my fitting room. Only she takes the bride’s measurements, possibly to avoid major errors in ordering, but probably because she's a micromanager... THE WORST KIND OF MANAGER.

In the room at that point, was the young assistant (who had had a VERY bad morning and who Courtney, Meghan and I were going out of our way to try and cheer up, which we did successfully because seriously, we are three of some of the funniest people I know - her sorry mood never stood a chance!), the micromanager of the salon, Meghan, Courtney and I. Thankfully, my mother was waiting outside on a couch. Otherwise, what happened next could have turned bloody.

The micromanager took my measurements and opened her Book O’ Sizes, which for those of you who are unaware of such things (i.e. dudes), it’s a book that lists what sizes the dress manufacturers assign to the individual's measurements. They always vary from dressmaker to dressmaker, but the one thing they have in common is that their sizing conventions ARE TOTALLY INSANE AND A COMPLETE RACKET.

AND! AND! They always order according to your largest size. Which, OK, makes sense if you're normally proportioned and buying something very fitted or tailored. But say you have a big ass and you’re going to be wearing a flowy dress where the size of your ass really won’t matter - they will still order according to the size of your big ass.

Additionally, did you know a bride (or bridesmaid or Mother of the Bride, for that matter!) is charged extra for being anything other than a size 12? And did you know that most “bridal” size 12s are equivalent to a “street” size 6 OR LESS? You can spot the racket, right? Extra is charged for anything over a 12. You have to be Victoria Beckham in order to buy a wedding dress and not have to pay extra FOR SIZE.

So, there I am, in my fitting room, surrounded by my besties and glowing with happiness in the wake of finding The Dress, when the manager points to a 22 on the sizing chart, effectively pouring ice over my romantic, glowy mood and says, “You are here. However, I would recommend that we order a 24, because it’s always better to take a dress in than to not be able to get into it.”

Excuse me? EXCUSE ME? Did I hear that correctly? I was supposed to order a size 24 wedding gown? Oh HALE NAW. No way. I insisted that we not only avoid a 24 at all costs, reasoning that I refused to have the bodice, which is the highlight of the gown, completely torn apart and reconstructed at ADDITIONAL COST (which would have been entirely necessary had I ordered a SIZE FRIGGIN 24) just because the salon forces brides to order UP a size as a CYA measure; but also that I refused to even order a 22 because when I was a 22, well, that was MANY, MANY, MANY pounds ago and I’m sorry, I’m sorry… but I’m not that girl anymore. That is not the girl who will be walking down the aisle to her no-longer faceless, but currently bespectacled, gloriously bearded future husband. Oh no. No, no, no.

So, I argued. I had to take a stand. Meghan and Courtney wisely kept silent. I told the harried micromanager that I wanted to order a size 20, though it was killing my soul to even utter that request in reference to my wedding gown after all the weight I had lost and hard work I had invested in doing so! I told her I would absolutely lose the measly 4.5 inches required for a bridal size 20.

She said, “Well, honestly, all brides say they’re going to lose weight – “

And that is when I interrupted her, morphed into my mother, and stated, “Listen, I lost 95 pounds.* If I tell you I’m going to lose another 15 pounds, you better believe it’s gonna happen. You can just consider it done.”

She expressed the barest minimum of respect in light of that feat and then told me I’d have to sign a waiver because I was “going against the salon’s recommendation.” I told her I would sign whatever I had to sign because there was no way in HAY-ELL I was ordering a size 24 wedding dress after fighting my way physically, emotionally, and geographically so far away from that size and everything it represented.

Fuck. No.

And so now I’m embracing the South Beach plan. I'm on day 3 of Phase 1, because even though I told that bitch I would lose an extra 15 pounds, I didn’t. Oops! In fact, I gained 5 more! Oops again! But you know what? I have lost the weight before. I’ll do it again. And then I can walk into that salon, slip into my dress, and when the manager zips it up easy-as-pie, my smile will be a silent Fuck You and the Broom You Flew In On.

Much like the Mona Lisa’s grin, except framed by a glorious white dress.

*It should be noted that I actually gained about 25 pounds from my lowest weight since I relocated to Los Angeles which didn’t make me happy, but which also didn’t make me hopelessly miserable, either. But that whore didn’t need to know that!

3 - 3 - 3 - 30 - 3 - 1

2008-07-15T14:21:00.005-05:00

3!

The number of MONTHS

3!

The number of WEEKS

3!

The number of DAYS

- left until we get married.

30!

The number of POUNDS I want to lose before the wedding

3!

The number of PHASES in the South Beach Diet

1!

The number of DAYS I have been in Phase 1

Check my progress at the bottom of the page, if you care. I have to put this out there because the Universe knows I'm chubby, but now I want it to know that I'm not 100% OK with that. So, I installed a weightloss ticker. I have to be accountable to something. You know, in addition to my own health and all that crap.

Four Months! FOUR MONTHS TO THE DAY

2008-07-08T19:24:00.003-05:00

Hi.

Yes, yes. I'm still alive. Still here. Still crazy. Still rollin' with Dre.

TwerpsWorld has been in upheaval, my pretties. But it's all good upheaval. Well, most of it's good. I fully intend to update you as soon as I have some energy to spare but, as I just told a concerned co-worker this morning (more on that in the big update), I'm OK.

Every morning when I wake up, the sun is shining. And when I do wake up, I wake up with my best friend. I have central air conditioning and AirPort Extreme. I'm getting married in exactly 4 months. All that adds up to BETTER than OK, I should think, despite exhaustion and soreness and inner mental struggles.

You know, just in case you were wondering.

Faux Toes

2008-06-09T23:44:00.002-05:00

I heart Teddy!

Buy it.

And this.

Oh yeah, this too.

Like Riding A Bike

2008-05-22T17:11:00.003-05:00

A purple bike! A purple bike like MY purple bike, Violet! And she has a basket and a bell, a headlight and a taillight, and like, a million gears and shit! Check it!

The bike is, of course, courtesy of MFDC. He had been playing with the idea of getting a bike since he's moving studios and the new location is a mile from our house. Inspired by the Bermans, we both did a significant amount of online research (natch) and ended up discovering a bike shop also very close to our house. This past Saturday, when it was hotter than the devil's armpit, we drove to the shop, chatted with the salespeople, test drove a couple different bikes and ultimately decided on two Raleigh "hybrid" bikes.

I think the hybrid part means you can take it on a trail and also use it for commuting. They appealed to us because we're both tall and the hybrids were taller than the typical commuter bike.

Anyway, looking my gift horse in the mouth, I was all, "Can I get a basket? Can I get a bell? Can I have a headlight, too?" Of course, my gift horse, who has yet to learn how to master the skill of REFUSING me anything I've ever asked him for, agreed to let me pimp out my bike and, as you can see, it's glorious. The basket is removable and is the exact size of a Trader Joe's brown grocery bag! And the bell rules, of course. It says, "I heart my bike" on it, and I really do!

MFDC's bike is pretty snazzy in its own right. Here's your first look at the other new addition to the family, Speedy:

This bike is only slightly different from mine. For one, it's a men's bike. Duh. Can YOU picture MFDC letting his fine ass get anywhere near a GIRL'S bike? Yeah. Exactly. Second, it has front shocks. Mine does not, and I am nowhere near experienced enough with bikes to notice a difference. I love the Fire Engine Red of this bike, though!

Of course, we (and by "we" I mean, "MFDC" and by "MFDC" I mean, "by way of MasterCard") purchased all the requisite accessories before leaving the bike shop except MFDC's bike helmet. Helmets are not required for adults in the state of CA, but we're so non-athletic and anxious to spend the rest of our lives together without having to change the other's diaper before our time, that they were a necessity for us. I picked a blue one that isn't too obnoxious. MFDC had to leave the shop helmetless because of his giant cranium.

You know what they say about giant craniums, right? Oh, yeah. That's right. You know it. Possible hydrocephalus.

MFDC is pretty freaking smart, though, so I have a feeling his giant head is just giant due to his giant brain. Anyway, the shop didn't have Giant Bike Helmets, so we had to order one online. I was able to ride my bike (shakily) home from the shop and had so much fun doing it. I was freeeeeeeee!

Once MFDC's Helmet for Giant Craniums arrived, we hit the road with abandon, taking sidewalks AND streets. I KNOW! Where previously we stuck close to the back streets of our neighborhood, we now had the means to travel the 3/4 mile to the Philly Cheesesteak shop on Lankershim with the deep, peaceful knowledge that if we got nailed by a car, there was a strong possibility we'd avoid a diapered existence.

And SPEAKING of diapers!!! Since his parents are so busy figuring out how to be parents and catch a snooze whenever possible, I am taking it upon myself to introduce to the world J4, aka, Teddy, born on Mother's Day at 11:11 p.m. Please send his new parents, Muppie and J3, restful, calming vibes once you're done falling in with this brand new little peanut:

And FINALLY, the Muppet wasn't the only productive female that fateful weekend! I managed to finish this thing:

BEFORE

AFTER

My talent knows no bounds.

The Beast Be White

2008-05-10T17:13:00.003-05:00

I just finished painting that beastly dresser. Third and final coat. I did the top first, thinking it was a good place to start.

A little while later I noticed a gnat had landed on the wet paint, making him the smallest asshole in the world. I tried to get him off without messing with the paint, but he was dead and just came away in bits. So, I just rubbed them in, his tiny little asshole carcass entombed in the third and final coat for all eternity.

Serves him right.

I'm waiting for the dresser to dry and then I'll have MFDC install all the new hardware (because he loves his Makita drill and seizes any and every opportunity to bust it out).

Following all that, we'll bring it inside, sort MFDC's massive, mostly unwearable/neglected wardrobe, fulfill the dresser's destiny by putting our remaining clothes into it and then take the reject pile to Goodwill.

I'll post before, during and after pictures as soon as I have some time!

Meanwhile, the Muppet is laboring to bring her beefy son into this world, so let's all send positive vibes for his safe delivery and a wondrous birth experience for his mama!

Surrealiously?

2008-05-08T19:28:00.004-05:00

During the whole wedding planning experience, there have been many surreal moments. Getting engaged was the least surreal. Probably because I had been DYING for it to happen and then when it did, it was perf.

Buying my wedding dress was pretty surreal, and it didn't really hit me until the next morning when I woke up to every cell in my body craving that dress that I had actually ordered one. However, it wasn't nearly as surreal as the surprise engagement party my mom and friends threw for us. That was seriously surreal.

When we went to Catalina recently, I had surreal moments like, "Holy crap, I can't believe I'm sitting here ordering my wedding bouquet." And then when we did our cake tasting on a bench outside our florist's shop, that was surreal for me, too.

I spent so much time in the realm of the surreal that I actually thought perhaps my meds had gone wonky and so I went to my doctor and we discussed it. However, nothing has been more surrealious (<--- a new word invented by Yours Truly) than booking our Honeymoon, which I did today.

For months we'd been batting around ideas that we felt would fit into our budget. And then in the past week a location sort of fell into our lap and it had everything we wanted: All-inclusive, warm weather, tons of activities, NO CHILDREN, history and decent proximity to off-site activities, plus positive recommendations from people close to us. It was the first location that the MFDC and I BOTH were excited about, and so I booked it today.

Surrealiously, I've booked my Honeymoon. We'll be staying here, swimming with dolphins and being awestruck by Chichen Itza.

Perhaps, most surrealiously, we'll be married, and maybe that's why this since of unreality permeates a lot of what I am experiencing as a bride-to-be. I never really saw myself in this position. I hoped for it, but when I would try to visualize it, I'd draw a huge blank in my mind. But now it's almost completely sketched out, the colors are filling in as every day goes by and I'm feeling less surreal and more excited with every passing minute.

Six months might seem like a long time. It's over 180 days. But in six month, I'm getting married, bitches. SURREALIOUSLY.

Snow Monkeys

2008-05-05T16:51:00.002-05:00

I would be remiss in my relationship if I didn't exclaim to the world how appreciative I am of all MFDC's extra efforts to bring in as much pre-wedding cash as possible. Both of us have taken on countless extra work since before we were even engaged because we knew that, in order to have the wedding we wanted, we'd have to bring our money-making skillz to the next level.

Through our own various sources and parental generosity, I truly believe we will have a tremendous wedding. Dan and I are financing the bulk of the event and, in the process, busting our asses. We both worked through this whole weekend, MFDC more than me. WAY more than me. Yeah, I got puked on and had to change a few diapers and sever two strong-willed boys from their Wii remotes, but he put in full, 14-hour days straight through the weekend.

Last night, while he was tuning vocals and I was heading for bed after an exhausting night of playing and laughing with an adorable baby, I leaned over to kiss him good night and asked him how much longer he would be. He looked at me, eyes red-rimmed with fatigue, and told me he'd still be a couple more hours. And then the enormity of why we're working so hard and for what hit me square in the chest and I felt truly blessed.

Yes, we're trying to pay for our wedding and make extra money so we can be OK throughout the process, but the root of that is how much we love each other and how big is our desire to be together. To me, every sore, tired muscle and lost hour of sleep is such a small price to pay for what I have right now and what I can look forward to in November.

Baby, I love you! :* This is for you!

Prime Time

2008-05-02T18:18:00.002-05:00

My big plans for this gorgeous Friday evening will be to prime the beast living on my patio in the form of a dresser. Tomorrow morning I hope to wake up and be able to get at least a coat of paint on it, go have brunch with Meghan, get another coat of paint on it, and then chill until it's time for my babysitting gig. Sunday, another coat of paint, if necessary, then hardware installation in the evening. If it's not too stinky, I'll move it into the apartment before another babysitting gig.

I've got two babysitting gigs this weekend. For a while I was on a pet-sitting streak, but the tide seems to have turned toward small humans in need of my special blend of temporary TLC. I'm cool with this. You might think pet-sitting is easier than babysitting and to that I would say, "Nay, that would be incorrect." They're both equally hard and equally easy. Of course, it helps if the pets/small humans you're watching out for actually speak English.

The last two doggies I have cared for came from Spanish-speaking homes. Guera, the golden I previously featured in a blog post which I am too lazy to link to, understood both English and Spanish. I think. If she was faking it, she did it very well.

Then there was Tana, and she came from a home where her owners spoke Spanish almost exclusively. Her mommy explained to me as she rushed off to the airport that Tana responds quicker to Spanish. Hence, we ran into some difficulties early on, with me trying every Spanish word I could remember that might, in some way, compel MOVEMENT away from whatever disgusting pile of goo she was investigating. I tried, "Tana! Vamos!" Nothing.

I tried cajoling tones. I tried stern tones. I tried pulling on her leash, all to no effect. She is a basset hound-labrador mix. Go ahead, I'll give you a minute to work out in your mind how exactly that particular interlude went down. So, anyway, she ended up with the big body of a yellow lab and the short legs of the basset hound. Big body, short legs, low center of gravity, very ineffective leash-pulling.

Finally, searching my brain hard, and wanting to get that dog away from a steaming pile of goo, I yelled, "Tana! Mira!" She looked up and we trotted on toward home. All those years in the hood have finally paid off!

I'm not sure how all that relates to priming my dresser, but now you know what it's like to pet-sit a dog who doesn't understand English.

You're welcome.

May Day! May Day!

2008-05-01T13:53:00.003-05:00

Yay! It's May!

Holy Shit! IT'S ALREADY MAY!

You know, May has always been one of my favorite months. I can't really explain why, but it probably has something to do with Spring and flowers blooming and warm weather and all that shit. But THIS particular May is going to be especially awesome. Here is just a brief listing of the events this year that will make May one of my personal faves of all time:

1.) This year my mom will turn 59 on May 7 and she is here in California and doing well. We're going to celebrate by having cheesesteaks and brownies.

2.) This is the month the Muppet becomes a mom, if she would just get off her lazy ass and give birth already! Also, this month Muppie gets to celebrate Mother's Day and that is pretty spesh, if you ask me!

3.) Mother's Day - another occasion I get to spend with my mom rather than shipping off a card and a present. I bought a few special things so we can celebrate the way we usually do, just without all the pesky gluten that has been complicating both our lives for some time now!

4.) It's Irene's birthday month! AND! It's Meghan's birthday month, too! AND AND! Her mom, sister, niece and nephew are all making the trip to L.A. to celebrate with her. They are among the cutest babies I have ever encountered, so I'm sure I will have an incredible time with them when I accompany them to -

5.) DISNEYLAND! I haven't been since I was 11, so I'm looking forward to going with Meghan and her family and also riding some rides. I still believe in fairytales, so you can imagine how pumped I am!

6.) May 27, 2008 - the date Hana Pestle's EP is FINALLY released! Several years and much effort has gone into the finished product, but most evident is the level of Hana's talent. If you're in the L.A. area on this date, she will be playing at her EP Release Party, to be held at the Hotel Cafe. It's going to be kickASS!

7.) It's also my Dad's birthday this month!

8.) And then there's Memorial Day, which means a long weekend! YAY!

9.) May is also time for me to get in shape! I will be meeting MFDC's entire tribe in late June and flabby arms just will NOT do.

10.) Stimulus Checks! I am very much anticipating being stimulated by the federal government this month, and that is probably the first and last time I will ever say that.

So, those are just 10 of the reasons why this month should RAWK. And now for a trip down Memory Lane. Here I am in Kindergarten at the May Day celebration about 25 years ago. Already I was among one of the tallest kids in the class. And as the only girl in my family, I was already very good at making sure the attention was on me AT ALL TIMES. Some things just never change. PS - I'm the one wearing the prettiest dress. HEE HEE!

On Doing Absolutely Nothing

2008-04-29T18:09:00.003-05:00

I'm working on a giant blog post about what happens when two kids with media degrees decide to take on the task of "using tools" and "sanding things." Basically, it's an update on the terrible dresser I bought from the Crazy Craiglist Cat Lady. However, I am horrifically far behind on all my photo organization and have several hundred pictures documenting the past few weeks of my life to get through before I can post the pictures I want to post and make the jokes I want to make.

For now, I will tell you that I had a very productive weekend, thank you very much. The goal was to Do Absolutely Nothing and just enjoy each other's company and some non-busy time together. We managed to do that for a few hours, at least. I cooked up some good food this weekend and MFDC lent his brawny muscle to the hardest part of the dresser restoration.

I saw the eye doctor, did chores, chilled with my mom, cooked awesome food (like I said), finished my book and started a new one, and manage to do something in that 48 hours of attempting to Do Absolutely Nothing that would lead to 48 hours of incredible hamstring soreness.

I can't identify what the particular action was, but it all just serves to remind me how incredibly out of shape I am. So! Upon completion of the dresser (and subsequent reorganization), I am returning to the gym to take my place among all the other hamsters, a vision of my gorgeous white dress dangling in front of me.

Fried, eh?

2008-04-25T18:49:00.002-05:00

I don't know where the heck this week went, but I'm not necessarily looking for an answer regarding its whereabouts. Alls I know is that I'm at the end of it and I'm enjoying a grape blow-pop, proving once again that it's impossible for me to have a lollipop and not drool on myself.

Now, I'm off to enjoy my new, comfy couch and finish reading "All Creatures Great and Small" by James Herriot because I like pets. Do you like pets?

Have a great weekend. xo.

Miles Per GEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAH!

2008-04-23T13:52:00.004-05:00

Dudes. Seriously. I would describe my salary as mid-range. It's right around where someone in my position (Happy AP Day to me, btw!) should be in Los Angeles in 2008. However, even in that somewhat comfortable range, I am DEFINITELY feeling the pinch at the pump, yo!

I drive a small car. I chose to drive a small car because I knew gas would be a major line item in my budget when I relocated to Los Angeles. When I lived here in '99 and '00, it was around $2.65. My Dad had given me a gas card and was very generously paying it every month and I certainly appreciated it. Even though I drove a small Honda with manual transmission and a ten-gallon gas tank, I still sent a silent thank you to my dad every time I filled up.

Back to present day, even though my love for Doris is deeply anthropomorphized, I'm beginning to find our relationship a bit expensive to maintain. My Doris, she is a costly mistress.

She has a slightly larger tank than the Honda at 12 gallons. And she's also an automatic, because even though it's fun to drive a manual transmission, I'm convinced that doing it for 2 years in L.A. traffic shortened my left leg (I am dead serious, y'all), and there was no way in hell I was going to buy another one, no matter how much cheaper or fuel-efficient they are.

So, we have a larger tank, a more demanding, peppier transmission, not mention a slightly heavier car (no jokes about my Dee Dee's ass! It's high and proud and she can't help it, she was made that way!), and lots of short but long commutes. I drive approximately 6.5 miles to work and 6.5 miles back. Only 13 miles. However, my average speed is about 30 mph, IF I'M LUCKY. I also occasionally run errands and my recent doggy-sitting gigs have taken me slightly - but not too far - out of my way.

All that adds up to Doris getting about 21-23 mpg in the city. Not bad but not great. Her highway mileage is fantastic, but it's a rare occasion that we take Doris on a road trip. MFDC's Passat generally serves as our traveling chaise, as it's much more comfy and roomy than Doris. And has heated seats!

Divide all that by 12, subtract 7, carry the 5, etc... It's getting too fucking pricey to drive. When I fill up my compact car, it costs me $45. I live .7 miles away from a subway station that stops one block away from my office. When I passed the "cheap" gas station and saw that they were charging $3.83 per gallon, I made a pact with myself and my wallet. Once gas hits $4 a gallon - and it will - it will become more financially beneficial for me to commute via the subway than to keep Doris gassed up and ready to go.

GASP! THE SUBWAY! IN L.A.!

Immediately after I made the pact with myself, the Devil on my shoulder was all, "DRIIIIIIIIVE. IT'S JUST MONEY. WHO CARES IF IT MEANS A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY WEDDING RECEPTION? Besides, what if you have to run errands on your lunch break?" And then the Angel on my other should was all, "Then you'll get off your lazy ass and WALK, ya doosh! Just like you did in New York for 4 years. Use your LEGS. WALK. I have it on good authority that's their intended use." And the devil was all, "S my D, Spock! Damn your logic to HELL. I'm going to make sure you pay for this. Somehow, some way, you will pay. In the meantime, I need to get back to my usual business of rotting your psyche. Later, bitches! Enjoy your time with the tunnel-dwellers. I HOPE YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM CAN TAKE IT. MUAH-AH-AH-AH-AAAAAAH!"

Sigh. It looks like a Purell run and an iTunes blitz is in my future.

26 Miles Across The Sea...

2008-04-21T12:43:00.005-05:00

...the choppy, wind-swept, rock-you-to-and-fro-until-you-want-to-die sea.

This weekend, the MFDC and I boarded a boat on our way to Catalina Island to take care of some wedding bidness and also have a romantical getaway weekend so we could bond with the island and reconnect as a couple sans all the over-scheduling. We got off to a rough start with stop and go traffic and then choppy seas that effectively drained all the blood from my beloved's head.

My better half has juicy, red lips when he's not dealing with motion sickness, but on this occasion, they were tan and corpse-like. I'm gonna be honest here and say I was simultaneously concerned and repulsed. Mostly repulsed, though, since I was fighting my own battle with the sea.

Finally, upon arrival in Avalon, our legs hit firm ground, we started feeling better and then and we did not stop walking from that point on. Even though Avalon was smaller than I remembered it, we had lots to do this weekend and our hotel was up a very steep hill. I'm pretty sure it was like, at LEAST a 70 degree incline. That's like, 8.0 on a treadmill, for your reference.

Avalon is a tiny enclave on a large island, most of which is a wildlife and land conservancy. Because of this, the list of vendors providing wedding services was small. Of course, this appealed greatly to Dan and I, because we did not particularly relish having to make dozens of inquires and phone calls in order to fulfill our (in my humble opinion) basic wedding requirements. However, there's not much of a cushion if you strike out with an island-based vendor due to availability or, in one potential vendor's case, complete inability to think outside the box a little bit. But that last example has been our only encounter with any negative results in planning our wedding on Avalon.

We had a delicious breakfast at Jack's Burgers Fries and Pies. Despite the name, the are just as adept at breakfast! We wandered around a bit and did some shopping until we met and did a cake-tasting with our baker outside our florist's shop. We sat on a bench and Dan almost completely stole the remaining bits of our chosen cake until I interrupted my conversation with the baker to call him out for it. Overall, a very simple process.

Then, we met with our florist, who has an adorable little flower shop and pretty much does the majority of the weddings on the island. I showed her some pictures and together we sketched out something I think will be very beautiful but also not too expensive. Hopefully. I'm still waiting on the quote.

After that, we chilled in our room and then took ourselves out to dinner at Steve's Steakhouse, who will be catering our reception. We purposefully ordered the items we would be serving and we were so pleased and fat by the time we had to haul our giant asses back up the hill to our room, where we relaxed and assisted our digestion by watching Alien.

Sunday, we again at breakfast at Jack's Burgers Fries and Pies. A few hours later we look a submersible tour of the island's ocean life and saw lots of fishies and a huge kelp forest. The water is so clear and unpolluted surrounding the island that the visibility was excellent. Here is an example of how clear the water is and how easily delighted by fishies I am:

Catalina Fishies from Dan Certa on Vimeo.

Sadly, MFDC and I soon succumbed to another bout of motion sickness. We made it off the boat and searched for some soda to calm our bellies and a bench. We picked up some Dramamine for the upcoming boat ride back to the mainland!

We recovered enough to scarf down a slice of pizza and a huge ice cream cone each. Finally, my most anticipated meeting happened. We met with our wedding coordinator and she took us to the beach house which will be the site of our nuptials and ensuing party. Immediately I noticed they had made some excellent renovations to the place and I was even more excited about our choice to have the wedding there than I already was! It was helpful to walk through with the coordinator and get a sense of how things are going to work out with our timing and unique space limitations.

Our wedding is truly going to be the intimate affair we were hoping for, and it's such a relief to know that all our vendors know each other and have knowledge of each others' styles and talents. The people of Avalon are so friendly and easy-going. Just walking to breakfast in the morning we were greeted with a Good Morning at least 3 times every day! I'm so happy this is going to be the environment our guests will experience after spending good money and time to be present at our wedding.

It's been such a pleasure planning up to this point that I can't help but feel myself waiting for the other shoe to drop! I'm trying to enjoy how easy and delightful this has all been without anticipating choppy seas! I'm sure the stressful moments are coming, but so far, it's been smooth sailing. And, of course, the minute it gets crazy, you know I'll be bitching about it here!

I'm Too Tired To Blog: A Haiku

2008-04-14T18:42:00.001-05:00

Much to write about
If you crave the minutiae
But Twerp is tired.

Craigslist And Crazy Cat Ladies (formerly titled "Project!")

2008-04-11T14:29:00.002-05:00

Something awesome is happening this weekend. Something for which I have been waiting since July of last year. Actually, nay, since about seven years! Folks, on Sunday, carried on the sweaty backs of no doubt hungover, smelly delivery men, my Very First Fully-Owned And Already Paid For Couch will arrive between the narrow delivery window of 10 a.m. and 6 p.m.

Praise be to the Baby Jesus and His Momma AND His Daddy! And to all my doggy and babysitting jobs!

It's from Ashley Furniture, we bought it ON SALE, came in AT BUDGET, and though it ain't fancy, it's comfy as hell, cute and PAID IN FULL. And did I mention it was ALREADY PAID OFF? Or that I have already purchased adorable accent pillows from Crate & Barrel?

So, with the impending arrival of our couch (which is not officially a couch until Meghan tests its quality and promptly falls asleep on it, so I will need to arrange for that), and in light of the incredible generosity shown by family and friends this past weekend, there are lots of new household-y things around. Consequently, there is nesting to be done. And folks, I'm digging it big time.

Somehow, throughout all the lives I have lived, I have not managed to acquire very much. I basically moved here with two large suitcases and a carry-on (after shipping my music and beauty products, natch). I once had a gorgeous dresser, but I had to leave it behind in the Muppet's storage in Manhattan. I'm sad that it's not with me, because I was so proud of it, but I'm happy that the Muppet has it and will love it as much as I once did.

That was my first purchase off of Craigslist and it was a stunning success. I was so happy to OWN something pretty and nice.

My following forays onto Craigslist were all positive experiences, actually. One produced an apartment (though it was ghetto fabulous, I do still have fond memories of it before it all went HORRIBLY WRONG), and then I acquired bedroom furniture in almost new condition (which we still use and are about to reFAB), as well as a set of well-made, copper-bottomed pots and pans (which I am passing down to Irene to make room for my new Emerilware All-Clad WOOT).

I had no reason to believe that further Craigslist experiences would be any different than everything that led up to them. Of course, I have been known to be wrong before, though it IS rare. This week, I had my first really bad Craigslist experience. One which I will be paying for over the entire weekend and then some.

You see, Dan and I have lots of clothes. He actually has more than I do, but that's because his fondness for Bill Cosby sweaters has not waned in all these years. In my excitement surrounding all our new household items and our new couch, I went searching on Craigslist for a much-needed dresser. And I found one that I thought looked adorable and sound. I inquired after it and offered $20 less than the asking price in exchange for picking it up that night. My offer was accepted. YAY! ANOTHER PIECE OF BIG GIRL FURNITURE! And! $25 off!

On my lunchbreak that day, I scooped Dan up and together we braved Home Depot. In one hour, we managed to acquire all the painting supplies we would need to not only transform the hotly anticipated dresser, but also our current bedroom furniture, which could stand to look more uniform and updated. All my OCD is coming out right now, isn't it? Yeah.

Anyway, we picked it up from a woman who owned a cat. In short order, we got it home, something wasn't right, we opened the back of it up, found it to be broken and fractured and not really that well-made at all, I was forced to admit to acting before I thinked, then we took a shower, did it, fell asleep, and when I got to work the next morning, I had a fight with my mom who wanted me to threaten the poor woman with small claims court if she didn't do right by us and refund us some money or take the damn thing back, and I didn't feel as though it needed to be escalated to THAT degree but she kept pushing it and BECAUSE of my ire over that particular argument, I proceeded to fire off what I thought was a rational, logical email requesting recompense. It may have had an edge, but in no way did I think it was harsh.

She called me. I called her back and she told me I had basically ruined her day. "That was quite the email." We then proceeded to have a conversation that stunned and frustrated me to no end. I have never, in recent memory, had a conversation with a truly vacant yet certifiably crazy person until last night. We could not agree on an appropriate course of action and I hung up the phone overwhelmed by the desire to NEVER SEE OR SPEAK TO THAT WOMAN AGAIN.

And so it has come to pass that I purchased a broken dresser for too much money, and that in its current state it cannot even be placed upright until we get it reinforced, but that once it has been the recipient of my tender care and world-famous tenacity, it will be glorious and the heavens will sing down unto it that this dresser has reached its full potential. And that the Crazy Cat Lady will never cross my path again.

Here are a few snapshots of what we'll be dealing with this weekend and beyond:

It's sideways on the dolly. But you can see the potential, yes? It's going to be painted a white color called "Divine Pleasure" by Behr. Divine indeed!

The back of the dresser with its bones bared. Tragic. And all scuffed up on the sides, too!

The most important piece of the whole thing, fractured in two places, broken in more than a few. Crazy Cat Lady claimed that she could not understand these pictures. I could see that if she was unfamiliar with this piece of furniture. But she owned this FOR YEARS.

On Surprises And Setbacks

2008-04-10T16:18:00.002-05:00

Depression is an evil bitch. Sneaky, too. One day, you're feeling great, you're medicated, you're supplemented, you're minus 15 pounds of chub, you're making progress on things that have sat on your "Meant To Do" list for ages, you're gluten-free, your side jobs are starting to make a tiny dent in the wedding debt and then it hits you: the tiniest flutter of WTF? flits across your mind and it feels like someone just ran a cold finger across your insides.

You try to ignore it, but it gets impossible and then eventually, it's all you feel and you just know, deep down inside you know... something has gone awry. It's frustrating, disappointing, devastating, and a major fucking bummer. Prior to medicating myself with a small dose of Cymbalta, my depression was very familiar to me. Post-Cymbalta, when I had experienced such a turn-around and then was once again faced with the possibility that I would have to start at square one due to a stunning display of homeostasis, I exerted massive amounts of energy to try and fix it myself or figure it out, because this was so wholly unfamiliar. I was wasting a lot of time hurting and trying to power through it.

At my super-duper Surprise Engagement Party, where so much love and happiness was evident, I found myself fearing those small fissures of cold flatness that had been haunting every moment of my world since about the beginning of March. I realized then that I had been wasting so much time waiting for "this" to pass and that I was once again paying far too high a price in deference to my depression.

I did see my doctor a few weeks after that first shiver, because I knew there was something I just couldn't shake. We discussed options and I chose to beef up the holistic aspect of my treatment rather than just bump up the pharmaceuticals. Several more supplements were added to my regimen. I believe in the supplements. I understand their function.

I guess what it all boils down to is listening to yourself and acting on your gut instincts, which is incredibly hard to do when you think you've got it all figured out. I realized as I was having a blast at our engagement party that I was fearing for myself. I feared that, as I read all the thoughtful words in all the cards my mom had collected for us from all over the country, their sentiment and meaning would be stolen from me; consumed by the cold pit I'd been carrying around for 6 weeks. I sat there reading those cards and hoping that I could just hang onto all those wonderful feelings for the whole night; that I could take it all in and know it was happening to me. And I did. But I shouldn't have to go through all that. Nobody should.

Monday, my therapist and I decided that it was time for another course of action. At first I was really bummed, but now I'm hopeful again. My brain and I - we'll get it right.

Here are some awesome photos from the night of my Surprise Engagement Party, chosen for the humor and warmth they exude, and also because I look cute!

Surprise! AHHHH! Dan and I were supposed to give the party notice of our arrival by buzzing into the front gate, but we snuck in as someone left and we all seemed to surprise each other!

Me: You guuuuuuuuys!
Dan: What? The? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck? He literally said, "I'm not good with quick change, I need a drink." Mr. Berman promptly handed him a glass of red!

Adorable invites assembled with love by Meghan's tiny, efficient hands.

The Yummies.

Time for prezzies and cards! YAY!

As Courtney said, double the handsome! And yes, two occasions, same shirt, SAME ZZZZZZEXY!

Clearly, Dan gets bored with the cards and shoots mini-grooms out of a gun.

If you can't feel the love in this picture, you are DEAD INSIDE. LOOK AT MY MOM AND FEEL IT. FEEEEEEEEL IT!

Ok, now, moving on from feeling the love to feeling the SEXY. I know you feel that! Look at those lips! That beard! THAT FLOWER!

Two of the three hostesses: BFF's Meghan of the Tiny Efficient Hands and Courtney aka Mrs. Berman.

I'm getting this made into a poster. Too bad you can't see the thong. :(

BTW

2008-04-10T15:20:00.000-05:00

CADL, BITCHES! Minus pertinent information, of course.

Preview

2008-04-09T14:49:00.002-05:00

This weekend my Mom and my best good girlfriends Meghan and Courtney threw a surprise engagement party for Dan and me. While I wait for their thoughtful yet slow asses to hand over pictures of the event (which will no doubt most prominently feature our individual "WTF?!" faces), I will share with you the poster my mom made with much love for Dan and me.

How awesome?! How tender?!

Click here for a closer, sweeter examination.

Dudes, I changed my blog template and moved all my customizations over just so you could see this in as much detail as possible and bask in the love which pours forth from that giant picture of Dan and me, taken around Thanksgiving of last year.

The previous template would only allow for smaller pictures, but I'm thinking that we're heading into major picture-sharing territory, what with my upcoming nuptials, my WAY overdue blog about the BabySteve's wedding day, and the impending arrival of J4: The Firstborn Mupplette, all of which requires more space for your voyeurism and my exhibitionism.

You might be thinking, "The Harbor template? Really, Deebo?" My reply is fewfold: 1.) BIGGER PICTURES 2.) I'm getting married on an island that has a lighthouse, I think! 3.) This template actually contains my wedding colors, which also seems appropriate 4.) I really like the song "Harbor" by Vienna Teng 5.) I'm an ambi-blogger, and possess the rare ability to blog left-sided or right-sided and 6.) When I was in elementary school, I would get sick of where my desk was seated and tell my teacher I couldn't see just so she would give me a new spot and I could burn some class time cleaning out my desk, moving it and reorganizing it. I suspect there's a little of that going on here!

Coming up, two blogs respectively titled:
- On Surprises and Setbacks
- Project!

Stay tuned but fyi, it may get a little fumey up in here!

xo

PASS!

2008-03-28T15:49:00.004-05:00

I'm officially a Californian now! Woot!

The whole process was relatively painless. Big shout out to Irene for suggesting I make an appointment. I walked right up to the clerk and got started on my paperwork.

It was then that I realized I forgot my NJDL on the scanner at my desk. Because I just HAD to scan it since I just HAD to blog about it! I sheepishly shuffled up to the clerk and was all, "UmIjustrealizedthatIforgotmyoldlicense?CanIgograbit?Iworkrightupthestreet?Sorry?"

And she was all, "Sure, just make sure you come back today and I'll still honor your appointment."

I heart Californians! (Most of the time.)

I drove back to the office, got my license, drove back to the DMV, turned in my paperwork, showed my passport ("Wow! What a change!"), got a number, waited about 10 minutes to be called, paid some seriously old (like from the FIRST time I lived here) fine and the license fee, got my picture taken, and took the test and passed despite a crazy old lady disrupting everyone!

YAY! Happiness and relief!

And, just because you might not have gotten a big enough dose of the CUTE that IS Dan and Danielle, here's a snapshot of us at BabySteve's wedding, a blog about which is forthcoming:

PS - Happy Birfday LKPH! I miss you. Lots and lots.

The Girl Outta New Jersey...

2008-03-28T13:19:00.003-05:00

Today I will be surrendering my NJDL and applying for a California Driver's License. Technically, this is something I should have done, oh, about 581 days ago. Which, wow, I've lived in California for FIVE HUNDRED AND NINETY ONE DAYS AND 00/100. ;)

So strange. It feels like yesterday and then again, it feels like so long ago. Ah, Destiny... you get it so right, sometimes!

I look a little different now. ;)

Guera

2008-03-18T18:33:00.002-05:00

Yeah. She's pretty much the boss of me.

She's like a neighborhood celebrity. Everyone knows who she is and she sluts out and lets EVERYONE pet her! Walks almost always involve her signing autographs and bestowing the occasional lucky fan with a crotch sniff.

State Update!

2008-03-18T17:52:00.002-05:00

State Taxes: Filed!

Rebate? Yes, but nowhere near as much as my original calculations. Oh well. Sorry, sea otters! Your originally-scheduled donation now has now be re-appropriated to the Wedding Fund, in light of my miscalculations.

I owe you guys a ton more updates. I need to write about Steve's wedding and how awesome it was and how I had like, 7 vodka tonics but only sipped out of each of them as the second I put one down, it would be scooped up by the staff. I'll also tell you how I sent MFDC to the dessert station TWICE for chocolate mousse cake and both times he made it back to me there were maybe 1 or 2 bites left. Finally, I'll tell you how much I loved the updo Aimee did for me and how it's pretty much the closest I will ever come to realizing my dreams of having an afro.

For now, I'll just leave you with that juicy teaser and head off to take the CADL online practice test, after which I will be on my way to Guera, the gorgeous golden retriever I have been doggy-sitting, then therapy, then back to Guera, then - finally - home.

Have a good night!

Federal Update

2008-03-17T17:28:00.004-05:00

Fed Taxes Filed! WOOT! Rebate on the way! DOUBLE WOOT!

Note: Do NOT use Tax$imple, even though it's recommended by IRS.gov. (minus one WOOT)

Also, the California State Tax EZ form was HARDER than the Federal 1040 long form! WTF? Filing state taxes tomorrow, officially. I'm giving $5 to the sea otter fund. I'm your hero, I know it.

Also, registered to vote in this state (a liiiiiiiiittle late, sorry, Muppie!), but not TOO late!

Next up: Studying for my CADL. Can it really be that hard?

STAY TUNED.

Taxman

2008-03-15T14:05:00.003-05:00

I have a long, sordid history with the IRS. In my opinion, I was the victim of stalking. In their opinion, which is the one that matters, I was breaking the law (note to everyone: NEVER ever ever EVARRR Telefile!). Oops! We resolved our differences via a cash settlement and now I'm about to settle down and do my patriotic duty and file my taxes for 2007.

My relationship with Math is a lot like my relationship with the IRS, so this should be interesting. I fully expect to get a refund this year, the majority of which some of you will literally taste when you sip the champagne and bite into the filet of beef at my wedding.

The 2008 tax year will be my last year filing as "single." After that, I will forever be screwed by the IRS because I married a freelancer, but it's worth a lifetime of beard-sniffing.

After I finish my taxes and send them out, I'll begin studying for the written test which will hopefully get me my California Driver's License on Monday, March 24 at 8:15 a.m. As of now, I'm still rocking my NJDL - not for sentimental reasons, because I'm not terribly sad to be far from New Jersey, nor do I wish to walk around with a photo of me about 50 pounds ago in my wallet, but because, I think, I wasn't ready. Does that make sense?

Filing your taxes on time and getting licensed to drive in the state you live in are things everyone does every day throughout the entire country. For me, these were once MONUMENTAL tasks with which I did not have the bandwidth to deal. They were things I just never did, or never did properly. Why? Maybe because I'm a procrastinator, maybe because I had developed a giant bubble of denial and these things just weren't worth what little brain space I had.

Whatever the reason, being proactive about those things now, as well as other things currently going on in my life, really demonstrates to me how much more "well" I am now than I have ever been. Before, I could barely deal with the requirements of daily life without enormous effort.

Now, I understand the rules and I'm ready to play the game. I'm ready to do what I have to do to be a contributing member to society. These mundane tasks may seem so commonplace to some of you, but I assure you, for me, this is huge.

Happy Tax Season! And remember to spend your stimulus rebate actually stimulating things, whatever that means for you. In the words of MFDC, "I would rather spend it buying armor for the soldiers in Iraq." Word.

But also? Mama needs a new pair of shoes!

Memory

2008-03-09T21:04:00.003-05:00

Going home to New Jersey for my brother's wedding was a whirlwind. That's the best way I can describe it. One minute, I'm in Pittsburgh sitting on a plane being de-iced, the next minute I'm reconciling with my grandmother, catching up with family I hadn't seen in over a year, and realizing that Dan and I are actually... NEXT.

BabySteve's gorgeous wedding was some form of goal for both Dan and I. It was like, once we reached that wedding, and made it back all in one piece, then we could really start making moves to make progress on our own wedding. We've done as much planning as is possible right now, but for some reason we could only focus on BabySteve's wedding before we could really, truly focus on our own.

When we returned from the wedding, we gave ourselves some time to recover from the whirlwind travel and then it was time to start getting our act together as a married-couple-to-be.

I have to say, the past several weeks have involved a lot of sorting out for me, emotionally. Being on an anti-depressant is almost like an out-of-body experience. On one hand, I feel more "myself" than I have in a loooooong time. On the other, there's a lot of sorting out of my reality to be done, and to be planning a wedding along with all that internal organizing and self re-introduction (eh?), is quite a big deal. It can be overwhelming.

But then I have moments like today. Today I had my mom, Meghan and Courtney over for brunch and then we went wedding dress shopping. I admitted to the girls that I hadn't really been focusing too hard on the dress shopping part because I had to make sure I had tasty treats for them. But once we were in the Passat (loaned to us by the MFDC so the ladies could travel in comfort and style! Not that Doris isn't comfy or stylish, it's just that the Passat is a better traveling coach), and we were on our way to the Bridal shop, it finally occurred to me that, holy shit, I'm going WEDDING DRESS SHOPPING.

This is something I'd hoped for since I was a little girl, but for the longest time never thought it would be part of my reality!

Ultimately, after struggling in and out of many dresses that had clearly been struggled in and out of by many other nervous soon-to-be Mrs., I found The Dress. My mother picked it out and I tried it on because the Muppet told me to "keep an open mind" when dress shopping and to "wear good undergarments." I walked out with Meghan to show the dress to Courtney and my Mom. Everyone loved the dress, but I wasn't sure, since it was so far away from everything I had considered as a possibility. Mom was keeping quiet so as not to influence me, but I could tell by the vibe that everyone loved the dress. And then Courtney uttered the magic words, "Let's get a veil."

Meghan rushed off to get the veil and was back in a flash. Ruby, the woman helping in and out of the dresses, placed the veil on my head and turned me around to face the mirror. Suddenly, I got chills. My blood flew through my veins and I thought, "This dress is perfect for Catalina!" I felt like I looked beautiful in it, I felt like a bride. But mostly I just felt so blessed to be having that moment and to be surrounded by so much love. I have come so far in the past few years as a person. And I'm just so glad that my mom was with me, and that I have more appreciation and understanding for her than I ever have before.

This message brought to you by my therapist, Leila, and by all my girlhood hopes and dreams that are just now daring to be realized.

Did I chose one of these? You'll have to wait until November to find out! ;)

Smirk

2008-03-02T21:11:00.002-06:00

Update soon. I promise.

BabySteve's Gittin' Hitched! And I'm Headed To NJ

2008-02-12T16:59:00.000-06:00

So, my giant brother, Steve, is actually getting married. I know, I know. You're probably in as much disbelief as the rest of the family BUT! He somehow managed to find a great girl and they have stuck together through some very rough times, so this wedding is a true celebration for them. First, because they made it to this far and second, my family gets to divest Steve. Hehehehehe...

I kid, I kid. It's not like I'm still bitter that he sat on my face and farted once when we were little and it scarred me for life or anything.

Anyway, tonight I board a USAirways flight which will stop over in Pittsburgh at the asscrack of dawn, on my way to fulfill my red-garbed bridemaid duties. There will be tons of gluteny food and sugary desserts. The wine will be flowing and my body-shaper will be working overtime. Lastly, there will be cold, cold weather. I am leaving 79 and heading into the 20s. This scares me, but it's all worth it to see my only full-blooded sibling marry the love of his life.

I don't want to say he's my favorite sibling or anything because that would be unfair, as I have several (3 steps, one half, many in-laws), but Steve is actually going to be the person to unite MFDC and I forever and ever (or at least until his gear becomes community property, what's that, like, 10 years, right?). I think that kind of gives it away. Plus, his choice in wife really kind of put him over the top because she does my hair real good. Heh heh!

Congratulations, Steve and Kristie. This is a long time a'comin'!

I Don't Really Do Much Here

2008-01-29T14:45:00.000-06:00

I think my main contribution in my office is personality, plain and simple. Seriously. Technically, I'm an Executive Assistant to a rising, young CEO-type person. However, I think my true job function is just preventing this place from being a grey pit of misery for those around me busting their asses to build something truly great and visionary.

I listen when people have problems and I try to give good advice. I've been doing this for a looooong time, so I sort of have a unique point of view as an assistant. I've seen so many different office dramas play out that it's not hard for me to come up with a pearl of wisdom when requested.

I try to be very approachable. I try to make my boss approachable. I try to make people comfortable and do right by them because I know it just makes things easier for them. However, that leaves me in a sort of weird place, career-wise.

Some of my co-workers have asked me what I want to do; to which part of this situation can I see myself being a more significant contributor? The answer is and has been for some time: I just do not know. I'm not sure there's another set of shoes I can fill here, which is kind of unfortunate because I really do believe in what this company is attempting to do and it's an exciting time to be here. I just feel so left out of the process. I feel like I'm wasting my brain, but when I direct it to try and figure out a better use for itself, I just come up blank.

So, for now, as I focus on getting healthier mentally and physically (everything is going great, btw, I feel absofuckinglutely fanfuckingtastic), I'll just continue to run the soul of this place, undefined though it may be.

In Sum

2008-01-22T15:30:00.000-06:00

I think it would be hard for me to list all the various little battles I've been fighting for the past several months/years and be able to accurately articulate how they have affected my ability to process moments. Basically, "now" is not something I was ever able to truly enjoy unless I worked very hard to get my mind in that place, and even that stressed me out, because there was always the possibility that I wouldn't be able to convince myself that this moment in time deserved the focus of every atom in my body. I guess I heard of now, but I always put it off because it was just too hard for me to get there. Too exhausting.

Friday night I went home with a slight headache and drooled on Dan's shoulder until it was time for me to get up and get ready to meet Meghan at her place and go to the Team Scrub show. I was tired, but not utterly exhausted. I had a headache, but decided to power through. This is not a decision I would have made a month ago. A month ago, I would have bailed, because I'd want to rest and try and kill the headache, and then those two things would consume all my remaining energy.

But I rallied and I went to the show and I enjoyed it. In fact, I enjoyed it so much that I considered staying for one more set than I had planned, but I was getting restless and figured I should get home and try to chill out before bedtime. It was the right decision.

Saturday I had a headache all day, but I talked to my Dad, my sister and my friends, Vic and Laura. All three fairly lengthy conversations. All of them left me feeling good and connected to them. I have not felt connected to much in a long time. It just seemed to me that it was better to stay disconnected. But after these conversations, I felt nourished. And even though I had a monster headache, I still felt really good.

That night, we hung out with the Bermans, which is always fun. I feel like I laughed the whole time. I know my bladder was under strain for much of the evening! We ate some BBQ and then rocked some Guitar Hero. After that, we played a game of Cranium. My head was pounding so hard, but I was having so much fun, I barely thought about it. I barely thought about anything but that fact that I was actually enjoying myself.

Sunday I woke up and the headache was gone. I was tired, but that was simply from staying up too late. I packed up and moved over to the house where I am dogsitting this week and that has been going really well so far. I'm enjoying their little house, and the doggie, and their proximity to Meghan and the cute stores around Sunset Junction.

Yesterday, I woke up and checked my work email, and discovered that my team was not, in fact, working the MLK holiday. I decided to invite my mom and Duncan down to the house where I was so the doggies could play (complete failure: Dunkie is more neurotic than I am - sadly). Meghan came over and when my mom took Duncan home, we went to Trader Joe's so I could pick up some food for the week. Meghan helped me locate some of the special diet items I needed to find and I was very grateful. Even though that store was a nightmare, I still enjoyed just spending the time with her. We went to a movie with Meghan's roommate Joe (Juno - awesome. I wish I wrote it.), and then I came home and took the doggie for a big, long walk that got us completely lost, but we found our way back.

In short, it was a good weekend and I realized, as I was getting ready for bed, that my mind was with me the whole time. I'm starting to feel a little more whole. I don't know if it's a placebo-effect or what, because how can 4 short days make such a difference? I'm just basing it all on how I feel. I feel good. I feel like I'm moving forward. I'm determined to be healthy and treat my body right. I feel like I'm building momentum and like I've been ready for this for a while now. I feel OK with what I'm putting into my body because I know my goals.

Mostly, I'm just so incredibly grateful for the people in my life and for their support. I could not have taken this step without all the encouragement and understanding, especially from my bearded fiance, one Mr. MFDC. He is such a solid partner. I'm not sure I would have had the courage to be honest with myself and acknowledge that my mind was on its knees, begging for relief, had I not been able to draw from his strength. I am so excited and amazed at my luck to be marrying him this year!

PS - I'm not expecting this sense of overwhelming well-being to be with me 24/7. Life is life and the only thing it does consistently is HAPPEN. I'm just happy to know what now feels like.

First Day

2008-01-18T19:57:00.000-06:00

Though I’m taking the lowest dose of Cymbalta, I’m still a little freaked out by it. OK, I’m a LOT freaked out. And stumbling upon websites that only feature people who’ve had a bad experience on it yesterday was NOT a good idea. I was obsessing. Am I making the right choice? How will this affect me physically? How will this affect Dan? Will I gain weight? Lose weight? Kill my sex drive? Sleep all the time? Get sick? Nauseated? What?

I had myself so psyched out last night that this morning, knowing I couldn’t take another minute of uncertainty, I took the pill. I hate the thought of using my brain as a component in a chemistry experiment, but my alternatives –for the moment- are not very many. The goal is to make it through this induction phase, hopefully feel better, harness the new energy and use it to get my metaphorical car out of the metaphorical mud. Then, with the help of diet, exercise and supplements, eventually taper-off to a 100% natural depression/anxiety control regimen.

Here goes nothing.

10 a.m. – took the Cymbalta along with my other morning meds and some Benefiber, which was recommended by my doctor.

So far, I just have lots of anxiety, but that’s because I’m nervous that I am somehow going to break my brain and I feel bad that my body has to endure me.

10:12 a.m. – Experiencing some cramping but this may be due to my anxiety level and the fact that I’m always crampy in the belly in the morning, especially after coffee.

10:50 a.m. – I feel calmer, but also a little foggy. I woke up early today, so I can’t blame it on the AD. Just had a biiiiiiiig yaaaaaaaaawn.

11:17 a.m. – Still feeling pretty calm. I’m searching my brain for turds because that’s what I do. I look for the turds. When I stop looking for the turds, then I’ll know it’s working.

11:29 a.m. – There is a very pleasant feeling coming from my head. I just ate some almonds. Not because I was hungry, but because I wanted to enjoy them.

11:44 a.m. – I keep feeling like this: “Wheeeeee!” “Uh oh.” “Wheeeeeeee!” “Uh oh.”

11:55 a.m. – Ok, which one of you put a candy bar in my head? Hmmmm???

12:20 p.m. – I’m a little more “normal” now. Enjoying a crispy, sweet apple.

12:33 p.m. – Feelin’ good, but my right eye is twitching a little. This happens to me frequently when my eyes are strained, and right now I’m breaking in new contacts, so I don’t think my brain is breaking.

12:56 p.m. – Weird cramp in the mid-chest region. Like I swallowed a rock and it just kind of settled there. I can deal. Going out to get Kimberly a bday prezzie and some lunchies!

1:51 p.m. – The rock in my chestal area is much smaller. I am quite thirsty. I had a yummy lunch and enjoyed being outside. I actually did a few errands that I’ve been putting off for a few weeks. The whole time, all I heard in my head was either what I happened to be concentrating on the music playing in the store. I’m still hearing that music in my head, but I am not hearing or feeling anything overtly negative.

3:09 p.m. – Time is flying by for me, so this must mean that I am able to focus and get work done. Because I am definitely getting work done, but my brain isn’t darting 107 places every 180 seconds. I have a bit of an anxiety knot in my belly, which I was kind of expecting, but yet I’m strangely OK with it. For now.

3:17 p.m. – Just notice I was clenching my jaw. I do this often, but it’s also a side-effect. Also feeling the first tender buds of a headache. We’ll see how that goes.

4:34 p.m. – I’m tired now. My stomach is a little nauseated and that budding headache is slowly gaining strength. Still, I’m determined to power through. If this is the worst of it, then I think I’m OK! I really could use a nap, though… trying not to have caffeine after 2 p.m., as suggested by my doc.

5:21 p.m. – Starting to rally. I feel a bit better after some Cranberry Apple tea. It sort of settled my belly, but not totally. I’ll be leaving work soon to go home, dive into Dan’s beard, and then rally so I can rock out at the Team Scrub show.

5:54 p.m. – Ok, I feel kind of wiped, but all the uncomfortable stuff is gone. Here’s wishing me a good night’s sleep with no panic attacks! Overall, I'm not regretting my decision. Stay tuned!

The Gathering Storm

2008-01-15T16:14:00.000-06:00

Yes, I am titling this blog about the pimple forming on the tip of my nose. It's been sore for two days and despite my best efforts to uninvite the damn thing, it continues its path of destruction. As much as I dread it, I'm sure I'll be fascinated by it once it's here! Sick, but true.

On a less disgusting note (provided you are not Tom Cruise), today is the day I get my crazy measured. What they will do is weigh my head on a Weight Watchers food scale and determine how burdened I am by dark thoughts and then prescribe accordingly.

Kidding.

Sort of.

Actually, this is my "intake" appointment, which will cost me many hundreds of dollars not covered by my insurance company (my fault - I didn't know this guy didn't "participate" in my health plan, which actually does provide tremendous mental health coverage, but only for participating physicians), and which will last approximately 2 hours. During that time, I will attempt to accurately convey how terribly painful it is to be me, a middle-class, white, well-fed American woman with a secure job, a good family, great friends and an awesome, loving fiance. I know, I know. But try not to pity me. I find reasons to smile everyday.

Despite the troll living in my head.

You know, I'm pretty proud of myself. For so long I never mentioned how I was feeling because I was ashamed and frustrated with myself for my inability to Fix It. But I recently read a post by a female blogger about depression and decided I should "come out." Reading that post helped me over the final hurdles of making the decision to progress to this step and now I feel no shame whatsoever in sharing the details of these events as they unfold. Maybe I can help someone else, who knows? All I know is that it's helpful for me to tell you what I'm experiencing because... it just is.

And plus, YOU'RE FREE.

Mmmmm... Steak! And Sparkles!

2008-01-09T17:53:00.000-06:00

I wish my wedding were tomorrow, mostly because I talked to the Caterer today and now I want some steak. YUM.

So, I'm getting into this planning thing. It helps that planning a wedding requires skillz that people actually pay me to utilize approximately 40 hours a week. It also helps that the Muppet is an uber-planner, has already been through this, and can reel me in when I start talking crazy about things like hiring fairies to play mini-guitars while floating in bubbles around my guests during our reception.

Fairies are expensive. Did you know they make overtime? Effing UNIONS! They ruin everything!

I don't really plan on boring you with too many details of the aforementioned forthcoming nuptials, hereafter referred to as: Operation Optimal Sparkles, or OOS. Mostly, I just want to throw a really good party where I am the center of attention while simultaneously at the peak of my beauty. That party must absolutely involve steak.

The planning is also a way for me to reign in some of the excess anxiety scorching through my veins right now. Knocking a few things of the massive To Do list and keeping my brain in a creative space has done wonders for my mood. Not to mention the benefits of actually getting off my chubby ass and exercising.

But see, that's the trickery of depression. It is perfectly capable of convincing you that look! See? It's not soooo baaaad, is it? You can handle this! Yes! Just stay caffeinated! Eat right and exercise! And all the while, it just sits in a corner of your hopeful soul, syphoning all the strength you gain on your Good Days, until one day it gives it all back to you in a bitch-slap hurricane and before you know it, you're back in the Clusterfuck Suck Tunnel with a 900-pound gorilla sitting on your chest. So, while it's a Good Day, I'm expecting the gorilla. Except his chances, I've noticed, are not as favorable as they once were.

He now has to contend with a Bridezilla.

RAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHH!

Heh heh.

What I'm Hiding

2008-01-07T17:53:00.000-06:00

Lately my sleep patterns have been greatly disturbed by a big, steaming pile of Anxiety with a capital A. Because of the nature of anxiety, it's pretty obvious that "something" is "bothering me." So, when asked about what I could possibly be so anxious that I am losing hours of sleep (but, sadly, no weight, which I just don't understand because surely stressing THIS hard consumes calories, right?), I don't really have a clear answer. I mean, I do, but I don't. And that stresses me out, too!

I know a lot of you will probably respond with, "But Deebo! Chill! You just got engaged! Think about how beautiful that is! Think about how beautiful life is! Think about baby pandas and rainbows and unicorns and veils and glass slippers!"

Ladies and Gentleman, I am here to assure you: it is entirely possible to be completely, entirely, over-the-moon happy about something and yet still be depressed. It just is.

I can say without a shadow of a doubt in my heart that being engaged to MFDC is the realization of all my girlhood hopes and dreams: that I would find a man who loved me for me, with whom I could be myself; someone who would appreciate my humor yet take me seriously and then love me unconditionally no matter how many times I puked and/or farted in front of him.

That LUCKY guy could have been NO ONE other than MFDC. The mere thought that this dude and his beard will be mine for all eternity fills me with so much gratitude and humility in the face of the sublime fortune the Universe has bestowed upon my humble, foul-mouthed self, that when I really let myself think about it, hot tears of happiness want to leak from my eyeholes.

And yet, while that wave of Joy is crashing upon the sun-starved shores of my tortured soul, there is another, deeper wave gaining energy way out on the horizon and I am powerless to stop it.

The GOOD news is that I am aware of this impending disaster and have been for some time now. It took several months of buying an objective ear to really have the courage to say to myself that this particular situation is not something I can fix on my own power. In fact, my own power has been lost to me for a long while now and the remaining embers of my energy are consumed by the various requirements of living the life I'm trying to build here in Los Angeles.

This has happened to me before. The difference back then is that I was still young enough to power through on pure physical energy. In retrospect, I wish I had redirected the sheer will I invested in getting through those moments toward actually figuring out the how and why I got there in the first place. I think, though, that that kind of introspection requires a level of personal wisdom and self-awareness that I just did not possess at the time.

This time, it's different. This time, it's endless. I go in circles in my mind every day. What's wrong with me? How can I fix this? Why can't I fix this? Yes, I can fix this. Mmmmm... no, not so much. And on and on and on. I've fixed things my whole life. How can I be so resourceful yet so completely clueless? The answer is simply that I am depressed.

There are places inside me that I must get to in order to progress as a human being and reach my full potential. There are cycles I need to break and habits I need to change. I've made some improvements with therapy, but I've now reached a point where the negative energy outweighs the positive energy. They're battling and the good guy is losing. And now it's time for the big guns. It's time for me to order up a WMD, y'all. I need to get past this thing blocking me.

Before, when it was just me fighting with me, I let the battle rage. But now it's not just me. My future is tied to someone else's. That person deserves me at my best. That person deserves to see me fight for it. That person deserves to know what it's like to be loved by someone who loves herself. And I deserve to be able to experience this time in my life (not to mention the rest of it!) unhindered by illness and the voices in my head that constantly tear me down and tell me what I DON'T deserve.

Fuck you very much, voices. I'm tired of you stealing every last crumb of peace and contentment I manage to horde.

I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in the middle of this month. He specializes in patients with PCOS (another WONDERFUL gift from my DNA) and is known to take a holistic approach to dealing with depression and anxiety. I'm trying to manage my expectations, but right now he's the light at the end of the tunnel for me and when I'm not accidentally hypnotizing myself with my ring, I'm focusing on that.

I just wanted to let you know because maybe you've noticed that I've been "off" for a while now. There's a reason for how anemic TwerpsWorld's been these past several months. Maybe you've struggled with something similar. Maybe confessing this struggle in this environment will somehow buy me a little more peace. Maybe tonight my heart won't pound out of my chest and my brain won't flash with thoughts and images that I know are complete shite yet which still rob me of whatever positivity I've fought for and gained during the day.

Maybe this is me getting ready to fight for it.

2008: You'll Be Great!

2008-01-03T19:00:00.000-06:00

I am finally feeling human enough and secure enough in my internet connection to get a new post up, since one of my goals for the New Year (and the future, really) is to post more writey-writeys up in here.

Some pretty cool things from today, Jan. 3, 2008:

- Telling everybody at work I'm engaged and getting the "Ahhh! Whooo! Yaaay! Oooooh!" reactions.

- Seeing Muppie's little mupplette in 3-D!

- Having a violent case of food poisoning YESTERDAY but making it in TODAY because I'm HARDCORE. And I like EMPHASIZING THINGS.

- Securing another babysitting gig for the weekend. (I'm attempting to babysit/petsit my way to a magical, debt-free wedding.)

- Taking the gamble and ordering a side of mac & cheese for my soup at lunch. Without risk, there is no reward, my friends.

- Eating a cookie shaped like a panda.

- Hanging out with my friend/co-worker Irene.

- Watching my ring sparkle in the light of my desk lamp as I type and incurring many typos as a result. No matter. That's what spell-check is for!

I hope you all had a good New Year. This year, MFDC and I landed around 6 p.m. PST and were both passed out by 10:30 p.m. I know, boring. But we had McDonald's for dinner, which lends its own pizzazz to ordinary evenings, as I'm sure you all know!

Before I close, I just want to say thanks to Reggie, for writing pretty much the best congratulatory email an engaged couple could receive.

Words are powerful. This is something we need to remember every day.

A Very Sparkly Christmas

2007-12-27T13:15:00.000-06:00

My dear, dear friends. I can NOT believe it has taken me 48 whole hours to get this post up. First of all, I have to apologize if you're reading this here and have not heard from me or Dan personally, but Wednesday was Christmas and Thursday we were traveling to the East Coast from 4 a.m. PST to 5 p.m. EST. Which, in case you don't want to do the math or your hands are too tied up to do some counting (and, if so, I hope their busy doing something fun), that equals out to a hella huge amount of traveling and being "out of pocket" as we say in the corporate world.

However, I'm attempting to harness some cranky WiFi in an attempt to Share My Joy.

And you know, my therapist would probably chide me for even putting up an apologetic disclaimer regarding something that pretty much gives me the right to make everything ALL ABOUT ME, so really, I don't have to care about you and your feelings. But I do. Because I love you. And I want to do the right thing as much as possible. Even though I've entered that time in a woman's life when selfishness is permitted to reign supreme and everyone else just has to effing DEAL. There is only one time in a woman's life where such a thing is tolerated. And that, my friends...

is a woman's time as a BRIDE-TO-BE!! WOOT!

Cookies taste better with a side of DIAMONDS.

Heh heh heh!

He gave me my ring in a Transformers gift bag with Optimus Prime on the front. We talked about the future. He said, "We'll have babies. And teach them guitar."

So, yes, we're engaged. Big YAY! And we're super happy and super excited and super in love.

Smuggles For Life, Baby. I Love You. :* !!

I'm It, Courtesy Of An IdiotBoy

2007-12-05T11:58:00.000-06:00

Thanks, CJ. No, really. I mean it. I've been struggling for something decent to write about and what better topic than MOI?

Here's how it works, kiddos.

1. Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog. (check)
2. Share 7 facts about yourself. (see below)
3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs. (Oh, this will be good.)
4. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog. (Will do!)

Seven Facts About Me (and you thought you knew everything!)

1.) I get personal satisfaction out of brushing my teeth after I drink coffee and watching the coffee-colored toothpaste wash away down the drain.

2.) I'm partial to purple.

3.) I like my lips.

4.) I've loved The Police since I was 4 or 5 but was too poor to see them this summer.

5.) Sometimes I watch an old YouTube video of Whitney Houston singing the National Anthem at the SuperBowl because a.) it gives me chills and chokes me up every time, b.) I have invested a scary amount of emotion in hoping for her triumphant comeback and c.) I don't believe there is talent like hers alive on the earth at this current moment. A few people get close, but there's only one Whitney, baby! Here's to hoping the crack pipe didn't cook her upper-register.

6.) And speaking of singing, I miss singing in a choir. Music is a natural high! I've tried looking for one to join here in L.A., but the only good ones require same-gender sexual prefences. Alas, my love for dong is causing my vocal chords to atrophy for this reason. And a few others, I suppose!

7.) I am not going home to New Jersey for Christmas and I'm OK with it.

And since CJ included a Bonus Fact, I suppose I will, too: I aspire to write a romance novel someday. Complete with throbbing members and heaving bosoms and the overuse of the word moist.

OK!

NOW, for the people I am tagging:

And last, but certainly not least:

REGGIE!

And A Merry Christmas, Too!

2007-12-01T15:52:00.000-06:00

This is a perfect example of one of the many reasons I love the MFDC so much. Only a True Geek could make something so awesome.

Behold, a Holiday Greeting from us to you:

Merry Xmas from Dan Certa on Vimeo.

Thnksgvng

2007-11-21T14:02:00.000-06:00

I'm too poor to buy a vowel at this moment, but I do have some time with which to show some appreciation.

I'm thankful all my friends and family are healthy and continue to overcome their personal obstacles in the pursuit of happiness.

I'm thankful for therapy.

I'm thankful for digital cameras, Flickr, Vimeo, and Ofoto.

I'm thankful for my sense of humor.

I'm thankful for music, as always.

I'm thankful for Doris. She still rocks my world.

I'm thankful for some of the decisions I've made lately, and the strength it took to make them. They might seem small to the casual observer, but in actuality, it's me taking back something for myself, little by little.

I'm thankful that I'm closer to some things and further from others.

I'm thankful for burgers. I'm not so thankful for these extra 20 pounds, but I'm still far, far away from where I was, so I'm thankful for that, too.

I'm thankful for EAT, the cheap, local diner MFDC and I visit every weekend. It's almost as good as Hope & Union was. ALMOST.

I'm thankful for my job, whatever I feel about it from day to day.

I'm thankful for all the new and soon-to-be babies.

I'm thankful for MFDC, who is just the most supreme partner a girl could have.

Happy Thanksgiving, Everybody. I'm thankful for you, too!

Y'all. This Girl Is 15. FIFTEEN.

2007-11-11T00:32:00.000-06:00

Fift. een.

At 15 I had just joined my high school marching band and was desperately trying to master the claves and pound a drum in time.

This little girl from the Phillipines? She's busy getting ready to take over the world, dudes.

Check it.

Snapshots

2007-11-07T13:46:00.000-06:00

I'm working on a Costa Rica blog, but I'm not sure it will ever see the light of day. Instead, here are some snapshots of the past three weeks of my life, just to get ya caught up!

Preserva Biologica, Costa Rica.

Costa Rican sunset.

MFDC and J3 chillax in the Jungle Beach House.

Danielle Ziplines from Dan Certa on Vimeo.
I still can't believe I did this.

MFDC Ziplines from Dan Certa on Vimeo.
The one guy who was alllll about it from the get-go, M F D C.

MFDC's new girlfriend, Leonie. He luuuuuuuuurvs her.

One of us was drunk. Hint: Shockingly, it was NOT me!

BFFs. I love this picture.

And speaking of babies, these two finally arrived!

Maren Elisabeth, MFDC's new niece, born October 25, 2007 weighing in at 7 lbs, most of that poundage being hair, as you can see!

Celia Rose, Annie Grace's new sister, born October 29, 2007, weighing in at 7 lbs. 5 oz. Annie is now 2, btw. Yeah. WHERE THE HECK DOES THE TIME GO??

Then Halloween popped up almost out of nowhere:

I was a socket...

He's my plug. Crude, but true. And it should be noted with some tenderness that whilst we were enduring 20 hours of travel (don't ask) back to Los Angeles from Costa Rica, we celebrated two years of big, mad love.

Ah, young love...

He likes this pic.

It's not an update without the latest installment of the Duncan Goes To Hollywood Series! I present to you:

DUNCAN DRIES OFF

Duncan Dries Off from Dan Certa on Vimeo.

I think that pretty much sums it up for now. Just chugging along, living life, trying to find the motivation to wake up early in the morning and work out but not really willing to give up morning smuggles.

Oh shit! I almost forgot!

I saw these two rock the roof off Molly Malone's in LA. They'll be back this Sunday, 11/8, at 8 p.m. and I expect to once again be floored. Lots of bang for a mere $6.

In the meantime, this is cycling ad infinitum in my car. And yes, I am one of the 36% who paid for it.

Just In Time

2007-10-16T16:27:00.000-05:00

Just when I thought I would burst into tears with all the current frustration surrounding my daily responsibilities here at my job, I heard someone behind me say, in an accented voice, "Danielle Wright?"

"That's me!" said I, not really expecting anything other than somebody who needed something from me or any one of my three bosses. But when I turned around to see who was approaching I saw a HAYUUUUUGE flower arrangement! For me!

The card was cute, wishing my a Happy One Year Anniversary. I was touched. It kind of took away the anxiety left lingering inside me by a bizarre dream last night in which one of my bosses asked me to make him a grilled cheese sandwich with mushrooms in the middle and I was fucking it up so badly he was just like, "Forget it, I'll just eat later, " and I HATE that, I HATE when they ask me to do something and then they just turn around and do it themselves LET ME DO MY FREAKING JOB, GUYS! SERIOUSLY!!

But overall, that's about the worst of it. ;)

At least my desk smells lovely and not like onions. That was yesterday.

Love Love Love

2007-10-12T13:51:00.000-05:00

The last picture you saw of me was pretty much the last time I was inactive! MFDC caught my cooties because he lives with me and it was inevitable. Of course, I don't think the naked things I coerced him into helped, either. What? I was bored!

Additionally, I've had two crazy weeks at work, with an out-of-town wedding and a visit from my future sister-in-law, Kristie, smushed in to boot! I'm weary, folks. Or, as I've been telling everybody with whom I'm professionally affiliated: I'm draggin' ASS.

So, I'm going to cop-out MFDC-style and photoblog. Also, I just really want to share these pictures with you. Courtney and Dave's wedding was beautiful and I got to spend some time with my dear, sweet, innocent Kimberly. And I felt pretty. And I caught the bouquet.

The ceremony was short and sweet and very lovely.

We left the ceremony and were immediately handed champagne. Because that's how the New Bermans roll! And look! It's Kimberly!

Me and the tastiest Love Nugget this side of the universe! Even with his Nose AIDS!

I though I was full-up on soul mates until I met Courtney!

I love this picture!

I love this woman! And you do, too! Admit it!

Courtney made sure I caught the bouquet by turning around and gently lobbing it right at me. Although I almost dropped it, I still managed to catch that thing! MFDC was conspicuously absent. Something about "taking a leak." You can run but you can't hide, my love! That's two bouquets caught! WHERE'S MY SHINY, SPARKLY PRIZE, HMMMM?

Spaghetti Is For Meatballs

2007-10-01T18:22:00.001-05:00

Let me just state that since I'd been taking cold meds for days and was functioning well under 100% lung capacity (leaving my brain somewhat oxygen starved), I cannot be blamed for the lack of forethought that led to the moment I picked up a box of Angel Hair spaghetti intended for SOUP, despite having stood in front of a dozen options better suited for that purpose for at least 5 minutes.

Look how fucking cute I am, even with a low-grade fever and a snot factory in my nose!

I made chicken noodle soup last night. My chicken noodle soup is my mom's recipe and always comes out well when I make it. It's kind of hard to fuck up chicken noodle soup. Wash and chop all ingredients. Boil in a big pot. Add salt & pepper. Before serving, add SOUP APPROPRIATE NOODLES.

Usually, these:

Alas, in an attempt to make my soup as glorious as the chicken noodle soup at Jerry's Famous Deli, which contains long, thin noodles, I added Angel Hair spaghetti. I broke it in half before I cooked it, but I should have broken it in half again. I'm sure that would have spared my mom's yellow top from a very obvious and frightful soup spatter pattern.

Ah, well. I was sick. That's my excuse.

Speaking of being sick, this is just an FYI to all my dear readers: TheraFlu will knock you out COLD.

Last night, after taking care of me tirelessly and patiently for THREE WHOLE DAYS, MFDC, in a final act of unswerving devotion, bought me some TheraFlu at my request, as I had started a bad coughing spell. Additionally, he bought a REALLY EXPENSIVE TEAPOT to be used for heating up the hot water TheraFlu requires. When I told him he shouldn't have gone to the expense he said, "Well, it has a copper bottom."

Indeed.

Anyway, fast forward to me taking my last sip of the stuff and exclaiming, "It's good! It tastes like hot lemonade!" then backing myself up against MFDC for back "scratchies" (What? I like scratchies! You do, too! Admit it!)The next thing I know, it's an hour later and I've been sleeping face down on the corner of my pillow, accompanied by a large drool spot. I passed out not even 10 minutes after the TheraFlu!

I woke up, took my contacts out, then MFDC tucked me back into bed. With me safely snuggled up in bed and finally not coughing/sneezing/wheezing/talking/playing with his hair/kicking his ass at Battleship/relentlessly disturbing his calm, he settled down at his gigantic computer to teach himself Logic 8.

Because Halo 3 is for pussies.

Moi: Current Office Cootie

2007-09-27T18:39:00.000-05:00

I'm blogging, despite my very grave illness, because pregnant ladies are bossy.

I have a cold. How is it possible that I, a resident of California, a state which mandates that you leave at least one window open all year round (provided you live above the first floor), thereby allowing fresh air in and cootied air out, could have a cold? Simply put, my officemates and I seem to be playing a month-long game of Hot Potato, except with cooties instead of potatoes. I'm sure the one involving carbs is way more fun.

As per the usual, when I am sick, everyone must know, mostly because I like the attention. But people are avoiding me like I'm Typhoid Mary! I suppose I can't blame them. I've had three sneezing fits today. That means I've sneezed at least 30 times, expelling my cooties, nestled comfortably in their little droplets of saliva, at approximately 55-60 mph EVERY TIME. And before you get disgusted, yes, I DO cover my mouth, but sometimes things just go wrong. And cooties escape.

I can't even bring myself to contemplate the origin of the cooties that have taken up residence in my nose, banishing me to mouth-breather status for the time being. If it was J or M, I don't think I'd mind. But if it was anybody else I work with, I would have a hard time coping with the knowledge that I got my cooties from THEM. I'm disgusted by quite a few people here.

Of course, I could have picked it up from one of the dirty whores at my gym who refuse to clean off the machines after use. Or from the spout on the water cooler (which I thoroughly rubbed down with a Lysol Disinfecting Wipe).

Futile mental exercises aside, wherever whence my cootie did sprung, it's a cootie and I am bound by the ancient laws of nature to keep it moving and progressing. I will honor this ancient mandate. Guiltlessly.

Rock The Trackball

2007-09-13T15:03:00.000-05:00

The other day I wrote this completely weird post about Rainer Maria Rilke and decided against publishing it. I mean, c'mon. Who wants to read about how in between bites of Ghiradelli chocolate chip cookie dough, I chanced upon a quote which addressed my current situation perfectly and made so much sense to me in that moment that I actually leaked a little bit of water from my eye holes?

Instead, I will confess to devastating and complete nerd failure: I had to give up my Kensington Trackball. I had inherited it from the MFDC after I complained of Scrollwheelitis. He very generously bestowed upon me his trackball and I learned how to use it, though not exactly the way he does, which is probably the RIGHT way. I was using it the WRONG way. And while this relieved the Scrollwheelitis in my right index finger, which was only ever annoying at worst, I have developed honest-to-goodness Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in my right thumb, hand and wrist.

I found myself running my hand under hot water a few times a day in the ladies' room. When I mentioned this to Dr. MFDC, he suggested I go back to the dreaded Scroll Wheel. I resisted. Why? BECAUSE IT JUST WASN'T COOL ENOUGH.

I took pride in my ability to manipulate the trackball! It's WAY cooler than a mouse and it was fun to watch my boss try to use it the few times he needed to do something on my computer. But, kids, sometimes pain isn't cool. That's a gift from me to you. Pain is not cool.

So, there you have it. My True TwerpsWorld Confession. I'm not even cool enough to hang with the nerds.

I should also admit that I had a raging girl crush on Kat Von D from Miami/LA Ink, but upon learning she'd broken up with Steve-O (due to his drug abuse - what a winner! Did she think she could change him? I mean, seriously. I just do NOT understand girls sometimes. There is nothing, I mean NOTHING about that crackhead that could even remotely lead me or any female I have ever come in contact with to entertain the idea that it might prove somehow beneficial to allow him access to some vagina), which meant that at some point she MUST have had relations with him. EW! EW!

All my starry-eyed girl wonder about her was almost irrevocably lost. And then, after seeing some TERRIBLE pictures of her right before her appearance on Letterman last night, I went to her MySpace page to check in and noticed that she has ALREADY found a new love and! He's FUG! And! Do you want to know why? He has a mustache. A free-hanging mustache. It is not connected to a goatee or, even more gloriously, a beard. No. It is simply a mustache. And a BLOND one at that! I guess love is blind, I don't know. I still think she has rad style, though, pics from the Letterman show notwithstanding.

And while I'm confessing some things, you should probably also know that I love the smell of my deodorant and regularly seize the opportunity to sniff it. I'm a smeller. I don't know how else to say it. And I'm not ashamed!

So, there you have it. You thought you knew me, but little did you know that I'm a Trackball dropout and a former Kat Von D fan who likes to smell her own armpits.

I feel so much better getting this off my chest which, as you DO know, is glorious.

At Our Best

2007-09-06T19:44:00.000-05:00

Look at the anticipation on our faces. In that moment, though it was already hot and humid at 9 a.m., we were about to see Pandas.

Video Share!

2007-09-05T17:51:00.000-05:00

TwerpsWorld is barreling into the 21st century. This is an historic day. Today, I will share video with all my TwerpsWorld readers!

Bur first, about the pandas at the San Diego Zoo: THEY WERE AWESOME. Seriously. It was like seeing a celebrity that I actually admired. I was so excited and... well, delighted, honestly. I don't know why I love them so much, but I do.

Here's a smattering of what we experienced on the hottest day of the year so far in San Diego. Those poor animals. You can tell how hot it was by how exhausted they all look!

Also, here's some video that Dan took, generously hosted for free by Vimeo, which I highly recommend for all your reasonably-sized video file sharing needs. Titles, courtesy of MFDC, who is determined to master QuickTime Pro, which should worry ALL OF US.

And finally, even though the Pandas were cute and awesome, as were the many other Zoo animals we saw that hot, hot Sunday, here is evidence of what my family already knows - Duncan, our dog, recently reunited with my Mom here in California and who I never thought I would see again, is just as cute and awesome as any of those Zoo chumps!

Blog Scavenger Hunt!

2007-09-04T18:55:00.001-05:00

Saturday night, Dan and I got lost. WAY lost. Because I feel strongly that you cannot possibly appreciate the magnitude of how fucking lost we really, actually were, I'm going to provide you with this legend:

Use it to follow along on this map by clicking on the option to view larger and starting with the little green couple AFTER you've adjusted the map so that you can view all twelve symbols. Then, just click each chapter's hyperlink and you'll automatically move around the map.

View Larger Map

Yes, the first two points are reversed, that's why I numbered everything. I invite you to follow along on our fantastic journey. This is something only Dan and I could accomplish together. Separately, we are fairly impressive minds. Together, we are generally sharp and funny. This day, we were tragic. Perhaps it was all the love clouding our powers of rational thought, combined with the absence of our GPS. Maybe we were too preoccupied with Panda anticipation. Suffice to say, we'd have been miserable cavepeople.

As Awesome As Last Weekend Was!

2007-08-29T16:52:00.000-05:00

This weekend will prove to be MUCH MORE AWESOME. Awesomer? The awesomest?

Whateves.

This weekend, I will not only be reunited with my DAWG,

Duncan McLeod of the Clan McLeod, There Can Be Only One, [photo by BabySteve]

but I will also, for the first time ever, lay my shit-brown eyes on REAL LIVE PANDAS.

PANDAS, BITCHES! PANDAAAAAAAAAS!!!!!!

And while we're in San Diego (German for "A Whale's Vagina"), we'll be luxuriating in the comforts proferred by the Quality Inn & Suites in El Cajon. For those of you residing in other parts of the country, could you ever imagine a Quality Inn looking like this?

Seriously. Quality Inn.

All of this courtesy of my loving, loyal, devoted boyfriend, who took it upon himself to book this trip when I casually mentioned that I had off from work this Monday for Labor Day. I'm sure many of you are tired of how gooey-in-love I am, but you can all just go fuck yourselves.

Gooey is great. I Heart My Nerd Boyfriend.

El Fin De Semana

2007-08-27T19:13:00.000-05:00

That might be all I remember of close to 5 years of Spanish lessons. Sad. I need to brush up for my trip to Costa Rrrrrica! in October.

It's been a tough few weeks for me, monkeys. A tough few weeks. First - withdrawal from birth control because my prescription ran out. Second, anxiety attacks by the bushel, usually riiiiiiiiiiiiiight as I'm falling asleep. Third, coming to terms with the stark reality of my financial situation, which a financial advisor, when pressed, might describe as "effed." Fourth, a week of debilitating exhaustion and headaches paired with SELF-INFLICTED SUGAR WITHDRAWAL due to No. 5: The Master Plan To Eradicate My Chubb. Let me see. Is there a sixth thing? There MUST be! Oh yeah, sixth - work drama. Eh.

But, with children working in sweatshops for 12 cents an hour so I can pay less than $6 for Hanes underwear, I'm really not in a bad position. And I never really put that out there. At least, I hope not. I think it was these things (simplified in order not to steal any more irreplaceable moments of your life than absolutely necessary), combined with my own personal style of coping, which is really more like non-coping, which can be really fucking exhausting, that added to the pressure in my own personal atmosphere. And there's only so much a girl can take. By the end of last week, all I could think of, all I had the energy for, was sleep.

However, The MFDC, in typical MFDC I'm-Not-Letting-You-Sink-To-The-Bottom style, forced me north for some good chicken and then lobbed a glass of wine into my hand, effectively kicking off the sort of weekend that was 1 part errands and personal obligations, 1 part lazy, and 1 part BOOTY. TASTIC. It was a weekend of thirds.

As you can imagine, I wished it wouldn't end, but end it did - and far more neatly than the final installment of the LOTR movies, where the last 30 minutes are filled with nothing but echoes, soft focus, slow-mo, and things floating through the air. Slowly.

No, it ended with my alarm going off and me launching my left arm toward it to snooze, only to realize that since it (my arm) had been resting over my head for an undetermined amount of time, it was more akin to launching a dead fish at my alarm clock than sleepily reaching over to quickly buy myself 9 more minutes. Things crashed. And still, though it was Monday morning, I was optimistic. Tabula rasa and all that.

It felt good, the optimism. I hope it sticks. But it also felt really good to be able to turn over toward MFDC - who when sleeping resembles a peaceful, bearded cherub - and repay him for keeping me afloat this weekend in a way none of my bendiest efforts ever could by saying, "Baby, guess what? Alberto Gonzales resigned today."

Where Does The Time Go?

2007-08-14T17:04:00.000-05:00

It seems like just yesterday I arrived in California and then quickly became a towering stress case with the extraordinary ability to fly reaaaaaaaallllllllllly loooooooooooow under the radar. And now! Here I am! One year later and I am still a towering stress case, flying so low under the radar I'm skimming treetops. They tickle.

For the last few days I have been trying to mentally compose this post so that I could have at least some idea of how to best articulate the past 12 months. But if you're loyal reader you already know that it's had its ups and downs.

Still, no matter where or how or why I'm struggling, the one constant thing in my life has been Motherfucking Dan Certa.

I just wrote a whole paragraph about all his most endearing traits, but I realized that he might take exception with some of them being posted in a public forum. I'm not sure those who only know him as a mandles-with-black-Gold Toe-socks-wearing, beard-rocking, interwebbing, porn-collecting, gear-lusting, "C" word-spewing, God of Rock would be able to reconcile that persona with the idea of someone who's very loving, affectionate and likes to cuddle.

So, I will simply say that I Heart My Boyfriend. I could not have done any of this without him.

I'm definitely the lucky one.

Everything's Going To Be Fine x Infinity

2007-08-02T14:39:00.000-05:00

Mom is probably pulling up to the curb right now at Philadelphia International Airport, about to leave everything she has known, loved, fought for -and sometimes lost- behind. She's got a pile of cash and a lease on an apartment waiting to be signed.

For as much trepidation as I'm experiencing, as someone who loves her and wants to see her succeed, there's an equal amount of pride and excitement. For as long as I can remember, once my mom sets her mind to something, she gets it done. It's everything in between that causes the worry and the panic attacks!

Still, this is her new life, and as someone who was in her same position almost exactly a year ago, I'm excited and hopeful. There is something about making a decision because it's right for you, as opposed to choices based on unfortunate necessities.

I hope all her dreams and plans about her new life in Los Angeles come to life the same way mine have. Even with all the difficulty and tears typical of such a drastic transition. As much as I stress and bitch and moan and worry and worry and worry about it, I really do hope this is her "phoenix" moment.

One Way Ticket

2007-07-26T17:24:00.000-05:00

I'm still here, folks. Just kind of in a state similar to that of a deer caught in headlights.

Despite what you may be thinking - that the end of the Harry Potter series has thrown me into a state of paralyzed shock brought on by my inability to wrap my mind around a world that's no longer looking forward to the next book about a myopic wizard and his crazy hijinx and clashes with pure evil - it's actually for a different reason all together.

I've been pretty hesitant to discuss this on my blog, in the event someone from my family stumbles upon it and drags it into the large Court of My Family's Unsolicited But Very Public Opinion, but it's such a major thing that I can't dance around it anymore.

My mom is moving to Southern California to start a new life. She touches down next Thursday night. Though I'm excited for her and happy that she has finally - FINALLY - taken the steps needed to give herself a fresh start and live the quality of life my brother and I had always hoped she'd achieve after years and years of having nothing but deserving so much more, my heart is pounding at the thought of all the possibilities, both good and bad.

I'm worried. I'm a worrier, in case you didn't notice.

The conclusion I've come to is that you just don't know until you know. I hope for all the best things and fear all the worst. In my head, there is a constant refrain that is simply... protect.

Protect.

Protect.

Protect.

Guess Who's Back?

2007-07-11T16:41:00.000-05:00

Muppie's back! Tell a friend!

Yes, friends, Mrs. Kelly J3 nee Muppetita returns to the blogosphere. Certain she is poised to slay us with her razor-sharp wit and unique perspective, let's see if she actually manages to post on a somewhat regular basis.

Ladies and Gentleman, I give you:

Being Mrs. J3

Make sure you have clean underwear at the ready.

Note To Chewbacca: In L.A., Marilyn Is Sacred

2007-07-10T15:40:00.000-05:00

For those of you who live or work in Los Angeles, particularly in the Hollywood area, you may or may not have noticed that Chewbacca has been conspicuously absent from his territory near Mann's Chinese Theater. I happened to notice a while ago, since Hollywood Blvd. was part of my route home before we moved offices from Beverly Hills.

I'm not sure what this says about me; that I could somehow take notice of the absence of a Chewbacca impersonator yet manage to give out my cell phone number incorrectly for A MONTH STRAIGHT and then turn around and do it again with my new land line. Something about priorities, I'm sure.

Anyway, here's what the recalcitrant wookiee has been up to: Defamer.com.

I kind of feel bad for Chewbacca. As a warrior myself (having recently battled legions of giant, disgusting ants at LEAST .25" long)(I prevailed, of course), I can empathize with the restlessness of his spirit. He's probably thinking to himself, "What's next for me, a wookiee in Hollywood?" And what CAN be next for Chewbacca?

There will be no more Star Wars movies. Sure, the cartoons continue, but voicework is fleeting, doesn't pay as much, and most producers know that they can get some non-union hack in there to grunt and groan wookiee-style. And though he may only be half-convincing as a real wookiee, he's also half price!

So, the wookiee resorts to loitering in front of Mann's Chinese Theater and posing for pictures with tourists for piddling tips, reliving past glories. You see, to the wookiee, the admiration and attention is food for his tortured soul.

But then it gets hot. And busy. Many tourists do not speak English and hearing his name butchered in a foreign tongue is like nails on a chalkboard to the wookiee. With no union gigs available to keep his health benefits going, he's off the Xanax. He looks for ways to alleviate some of that pent-up frustration, so he head-butts a tour guide. Ok, fine, he was probably a douchebag tour guide anyway. And, according to Wikipedia, wookiees are short-tempered. The tour guide should have known better. THE INFORMATION IS OUT THERE.

His situation remains unimproved, his frustrations mount, he scuffles with Batman. Again, boys will be boys. You put two alpha-male warriors in a situation where they're competing for tips and these things are bound to happen. Hollywood turns a blind eye to the missteps of its heroes.

That is, until one day a certain hairy hero takes the dainty, revered hand of a Ms. Marilyn Monroe and places it squarely in the region of his wookiee junk.

NOT COOL, CHEWIE. NOT COOL.

As of this writing, Chewbacca remains at large; a warrior, a celebrity, a molester...

...a lonely heart.

#19

2007-06-29T14:17:00.000-05:00

Many of you may be wondering where is the blog and accompanying pictures from my sister's wedding. I just got all 250 photos uploaded to Ofoto last night, but between all the packing and the sleeping, I didn't get the titles done. I'm sorry, but I'm sure you can manage your disappointment in an appropriate way.

I am packing because I am moving. AGAIN. For the NINETEENTH TIME.

Many of you are aware of this already, but I just wanted to post it here because I think moving 19 times borders on the ridiculous and Twerpsworld is nothing if not ridiculous.

The previous 18 moves all went fairly smoothly. Some of them were cross-country car trips, some of them were mere cab rides, but all of them got me one step closer to this move; the move I have been waiting for for 30 years. The one where I can put my own key in my door and walk into my place and throw my crap onto the counter before molesting my own boyfriend, who has done much to get me to this point where I finally feel like I belong somewhere.

In retrospect, when considering all those moves, I think I was just running from things. And now, with this move, I'm chasing some things. Good things. Things I never thought I'd have but now, miraculously, I do.

Have a good weekend, everybody. Cross your fingers for me and send some get well vibes to Beebo, who had a sinus problem (hopefully) corrected this week!

Springfield: A Portrait

2007-06-28T19:51:00.000-05:00

Me as a Simpsons character. Go here.

Cindy Got Married, But First! I Got My Hair Did!

2007-06-25T19:19:00.000-05:00

I am working on a rather dense post about my beautiful sister Cindy's wedding this weekend, but all my pics are on the home computer, so I will need to complete it later this evening. If you're on my MySpace, she has about 20 pics up already in her albums.
You can see for yourself how beautiful and radiant she was, which was such a wonderful thing to experience considering all the challenges she faced getting to the day!

In the meantime, after 4 years of sporting long hair at first in an effort to hide my chubb and finally to make up for the fact that it was thinning, I chopped most of my hair off. Well, I didn't chop it, my soon-to-be sister-in-law, Kristie, brought it forth from the mess of hair on my head with scissors, a blow dryer, a flat iron, and some mad skillz.

Behold! Deebo, with some seriously sassy hair:

Stylin' and profilin':

You Can Take The Girl Out Of Jersey...

2007-06-15T14:16:00.000-05:00

Current Source of Much of My Work Frustration: "So where are you from originally?"

Me: "New Jersey."

CSOMOMWF: "Oh, that explains it. No wonder you're so aggressive. I thought to myself, 'Who IS this girl? I KNOW she's not from L.A.'"

Me: "Oh, HELL no. I'm a Jersey Girl."

Sugar HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH!

2007-06-12T17:20:00.001-05:00

I'm not even sure where this post is going to go, if anywhere at all! I just ate a crazy ridiculous homemade brownie that is currently rocketing me towards a sugar rush, which will, of course, be followed by a hard crash. For that, I have a Cherry Coke Zero.

A girl must always be prepared.

I've been trying to be good the past week or so since I have one final wedding to attend this summer. One for which I serve as the Maid of Honor. For instance, at Chez Nous this weekend, I forced my deliciously-soft-and-chewy-on-the-inside-yet-perfectly-crispy-crunchy-on-the-outside french roll on MFDC. He took it like a Man, which is more than I can say for the suit-shopping experience that followed.

Also, with the exception of 5 minutes ago when I housed that brownie as quickly as its incredible richness would allow, I've been trying to limit my sugar intake. I tried to exercise last night with MFDC but got such painful exercise hives we had to stop early. Apparently, I am allergic to exercise. It happened a few times in NYC, but it's definitely been more pronounced here in Los Angeles.

How is this possible?

Well, in my internet research I have discovered that, for some, it comes and goes in phases. Judging by how many times this has happened recently, I would say there's a big ol' green light for histamines in my blood right now. Also, it's aggravated by cool, dry weather. Well, it was cool last night and everybody knows that Los Angeles is dryer than a [insert disgusting female genitalia functionality metaphor here].

So, last night I was doomed. I felt bad for MFDC. I think I freaked him out a little bit. It truly was painful and I am a whiner. I wanted to drop my pants and scrape my thighs against the sidewalk. It was friggin' itchy as HELL.

I'll just have to stay away from things that aggravate it (wheat, stress, impending financial disaster), as well as take some Claritin before I exercise. The kind without the crack in it.

Speaking of crack, have you heard about Cheese heroin? Apparently, it's all the rage for bored kids in the southwest. Anyway, when I read the headline on CNN.com about cheese heroin, I thought, "Hmmm... heroin in cheese. Mmmmmmm... cheeeeeeeese."

I don't really know how to segue from cheese heroin to my beautiful sister's upcoming nuptials, so I'll just tell you that I've been writing my speech for Cindy and Jason's reception in my head, but I've only gotten as far as the first line. I'm a terrific procrastinator when it comes to writing projects, as well as... well, pretty much everything else in my life. I'm currently examining why this is at the rate of $100 an hour. But that is neither here nor there.

My point being: I probably won't have the rest of the speech written until I'm actually standing in the room, a tall blue sausage with a microphone, a hundred pairs of eyes expectantly waiting for me to wax poetic about my sister and the love of her life. I'm sure I'll get emotional. I hope to get a laugh or two. I hope Cindy and Jason like it. But mostly I hope that, by that point, I will not have had so much to drink that THIS ends up happening:

Yeah. There's video, too.

Where The HELL Have I BEEN?

2007-06-07T13:00:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gentleman, in the past, oh, 35 days or so, I have flown approximately 36,000 miles. Lots of stuff has happened. Like, Meghan's 30th birthday.

This is Meghan. Everybody say Happy Birthday! It was May 23. We went our for some tasty latin food. It was spicy and GOOOOOOD. Look how cute this skinny bitch is:

On May 23, in addition to thanking the Baby J for bringing Meghan into the world, I hopped a red-eye to Newark, then took 4 trains home to South Jersey, all the while reading this:

It's part of the Harry Bosch series. It was a good story and a quick read, even though I've rarely invested in a book series - with the exception of Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum Series. The Muppet's mom introduced me to them and to my surprise, I actually quite enjoy them. They're funny, sexy tales about a female bounty hunter from New Jersey. It's not possible to get any more entertaining than that, kids. You can check the whole series out at Amazon.com.

Anyhoo, I was heading to my step-brother's wedding in Princeton, NJ. They were married at the Grounds for Sculpture in Hamilton, NJ. It's a really beautiful place. There are indoor and outdoor sculptures everywhere you look, and it's all very well arranged and presented. If you live in the tri-state area, you really should try and get out there. You can take NJ Transit to the Hamilton stop and then take a short cab ride to the grounds.

A pic of one of my favorite sculptures on the Grounds:

My step-brother, Wayne, and his wife, Liza, were married in the Nine Muses exhibit. My father's white head is displayed prominently in this photo.

A couple more wedding photos:

My and my sister-in-law, soon-to-be Kristie Miller-Wright.

Me and my Dad. I swear, he really is my Dad. I got his skeleton and dimples. And nasty, wide feet. And love for all things strange, random and historical. It was also his birthday in May on the 30th.

There are many other photos from the wedding. Like, at least 4 separate sets. So, if you're interested in seeing them, just email me and I'll send them to you.

After the wedding, I headed up to New York City and on to Brooklyn to visit with the Muppet and her husband, J3.

I topped the weekend off with one of my favoritest things - A DuMont Burger.

What? Are you SURPRISED I took a picture of my favorite burger? Shoot, it's the screensaver on my new phone!

Finally, before I left the Muppet's house, I finished Echo Park and she gave me this to read:

This is one of the best books I have read in a very long time, I shit you not. It's so well-written and such a compelling story. I can't wait to read the author's next release, A Thousand Splendid Suns.

I read The Kite Runner the entire flight back from New York to Los Angeles and managed to plow through about 340 of it's 388 pages. I wish I had taken it slower, because there are so many subtleties that I know I was only able to gloss over in my rush to find out What Happens Next. Because people, if you know me then you know this already, but I CAN'T NOT KNOW.

Finally, this past weekend, I attended the wedding of Gina and Oscar in Myrtle Beach, SC. I grew up with Gina and though this round of weddings and parties has been exhausting on so many levels, I was so happy to be at her wedding, seeing her as a bride. It's something we've talked about since we were both five years old. She is my oldest friend and I am so glad that she and Oscar found each other.

It was also good to hang out with friends from the old neighborhood and find out that everybody's really doing so well. We have a special bond, the kids from Robindale Manor. There was just something about growing up there with these kids that always makes me feel good when I think about it.

I don't have pictures of Gina's wedding to post yet, but I will as soon as I do. It was a lot of fun and I really am glad I went. Because I caught the bouquet. And if I didn't catch the bouquet, I was going to tackle the bitch who did! heh heh.

So, I guess that means MFDC has some shopping to do. Size 6, Baby. Love ya!

More pics later, including a few of the guy who caught the garter having mouth sex with my feet.

In the meantime, how is everybody??

BLOG LIBS! Courtesy of The Reggie

2007-05-23T16:28:00.000-05:00

Y'all.

Sometimes things happen in the Universe where events and situations seem to line up perfectly and you have no choice but to seize the opportunity at hand. In my case, the opportunity presented was a chance to siphon some of Reggie's creativity, generously offered up to me in the comments section of the previous post. Sometimes I can be a muy lamprey-esque.

Regardless, the following is a BLOG-LIB, sketched by Reggie and filled in by me following the rather quick consumption of a turkey and cheese sangwich from TOGO's and a donut. A very, very yummy donut that I should not have eaten but I did and man, it was a tiny splash of heaven for my tongue.

Today, I took a walk to [place] the Mall at Hollywood & Highland wearing [article of clothing], my flip-flops, which I've been trying not to wear to the office because I read in the last issue of Oprah that flip-flops at the office are NO BUENO, but my bosses are in San Fran today, so whateves and holding a [noun] fervent hope in my breast that I would successfully find a dress to wear to my step-brother's wedding on Friday, which I'll be flying to tonight. Wouldn't you believe it, I [verb, past tense] stepped onto an escalator and coming down the other side was [celebrity] the fat guy from BORAT! I was a little [adjective] incredulous at first, but I got over my [emotion, present tense] disbelief and eventually [verb, past tense] continued up the escalator so I could pay the parking stub I forgot to have validated. It turned out to be a [adjective] funny [noun] thing.

Then, I picked up my [first applied noun] fervent hope in my breast that I would successfully find a dress to wear to my step-brother's wedding on Friday, which I'll be flying to tonight, and kept on [verb, present tense] heading to the ticket cashier. I noticed a man [adverb] carelessly walking his [noun] pomeranian and I wondered "[famous quote] Dude, I wonder how many other people look at the fat guy from Borat and think, 'I've seen his balls!'"

It's these [adjective] extraordinary things during the day that [verb] force-feed you some perspective. One moment, you're [verb, present tense] wondering about how many people have seen the twigs and berries of a celebrity, the next minute, you're [verb, present tense] sidestepping the tons of slutty young girls lining up for the American Idol finale at the Kodak Theatre, also located at Hollywood & Highland, who look like a cross between baby hookers and dog poop. [famous quote] It takes one to know one! More blogging later [colloquial expression] bitches!!

I Know I Should Blog Today

2007-05-22T19:26:00.000-05:00

But yet, I just don't seem to have too much to say! I KNOW, RIGHT?

Um.

I think the build up of smog is affected my brainicles.

Mmmmm... Caaake.

2007-05-14T00:42:00.000-05:00

Even though he's sick with a sort of gross cold, MFDC found the energy to take me out to dinner. As a result, I found the energy to put on make up for him (which you really can't see since I "antiqued" this picture in iPhoto, but trust me, the dark circles were masked well).

We actually walked to dinner. It was a pleasant evening for a stroll and some chocolate lava cake.

Before we left , I seized the opportunity presented by the rare moment in time in which we both looked presentable to take a recent photo. The one I posted the other day was from Christmas.

Anyway, here we are on May 13, 2007, exactly two years after I got MFDC's mom on the phone to tell her how awesome I thought he was.

Well, ok, I left a voicemail, but still. It was a fun moment. She still talks about it. ;)

And I still think it.

What The?

2007-05-11T16:19:00.000-05:00

Ok, so the week flew by but today is dragging donkey ass. Hmm. I guess I was a little redundant there.

So, now Catalina Island is on fire. In the wake of the Griffith Park fire, I have no choice but to believe that I am a firestarter, a la Drew Barrymore in that movie. We'd been planning to see Catalina and the Observatory possibly over my long July 4 break. Now, they are either aflame or smoldering.

I hesitate to mention the location of any place I might desire visiting for fear that it will spontaneously combust.

Friends, my power... it's frightening.

We now have new plans which will involve semi-moderate travel and creatures of the wild and that's all I will say. I am against animal cruelty and cannot place innocent creatures at risk. I must first learn how to control this newly-discovered incendiary aspect of my already astounding super-human abilities.

In the meantime, you should all rejoice in the knowledge that I have found a worthy iced coffee in Los Angeles, a mere BLOCK away from my office. Good things come to those who whine, bitch, cry and shake with iced coffee withdrawal. In 48 brief hours, I am now completely devoted to it and already have a frequent buyer barcode. NICE.

The back is feeling much better, thanks for asking. Haven't taken any Advil today and am already less bloated. Advil makes me feel and look like a water balloon.

I hope you all have a great weekend. Some of you will be recovering. Some of you will be relaxing. Some of you will be cursing, sweating and getting yet ANOTHER splinter. Some of you will be boning. Some of you will be celebrating. Some of you will be celebrating AND boning. But! Whatever you are this weekend, I hope you're safe and happy. And that you thank your Momma for getting you to that point!

Love,
Twerp

Soon To Be

2007-05-09T12:48:00.000-05:00

Have y'all met the soon-to-be Mrs. Berman?

Check her out. She's funny and so are her friends.

As far as a fire update goes, CNN's coverage is completely worthless, so if you're curious, I'd recommend Googling for news results.

Personally, the neighborhood is smoky and warm. I woke up last night when the smoke started to settle, but my sleep-fuddled brain couldn't put 2 and 2 together and remember the fire nearby. Instead, all I thought before falling back to sleep was, "Who the hell is smoking on the porch?"

I slept hard last night, possibly due to the smoke encroaching on my oxygen supply. MFDC and I went to the Hotel Cafe to go see Vienna Teng, a singer-songwriter-pianist. She was very good live. You should check her out if she comes to your city. She has a very pure, feminine voice that speaks to the mystical, introspective, vegetarian, asian lesbian inside all of us.

Arson Porn

2007-05-08T19:37:00.000-05:00

So, this is where we stand 4.5 hours after the fire originally broke.

You can't see these things despite the excellent quality of my camera on my NEW CELL PHONE, but there are flames licking up on the left and many, many helicopters swarming over the area. The fire seems to have forked off in two directions, and the Observatory remains intact. Visiting the Observatory is now one of the many fun things MFDC and I will do during my long July 4th break between weddings, parental visits and the Imminent Arrival of My Mother, who is relocating to Southern California in a couple months.

That's right, you heard me. Did I stutter?

Arsonists Are Stupid

2007-05-08T17:18:00.000-05:00

Just this morning they announced that Southern California was on an "Extreme Fire Alert" due to hot, very dry weather. We haven't had rain in weeks.

Then, this happened. *

A suspected arson started a fire in Griffith Park. Surrounding areas have been evacuated, including the LA Zoo. There are over 120 firefighters working against the blaze, in addition to 5 helicopters, which we can actually watch fly back and forth between the fire and the man-made lake where they are picking up water to drop on the flames. We work on the 18th floor of the tallest building in the area.

At one point, we thought we could see flames.

You can see the Griffith Park Observatory, which dates back to 1933 and only just reopened a few months ago after several years of renovations. It's on top of the hill, to the right.

Luckily, the winds are pushing the flames northeast of the Observatory, toward the Burbank side of the hill. You can sort of see it pushing away.

I live in Burbank. There was a fire about 6 weeks ago and the smell and smoke made things uncomfortable for a little while.

They're saying that they may already have a suspect in custody, who happens to be badly burned. I think Alanis would call that ironic.

It's like intentionally setting a brush fire just to watch it burn on possibly the worst day of the whole year and ending up needing skin grafts.

*Though my pictures runneth over, I thought it would be best to include the larger sizes for more detail.