I Stole Today...And Burnt My Ass As A Result

No, I didn't steal anything. I'm not a cleptomaniac (anymore). I stole today, as in, the day, which is Saturday. I'm probably overexplaining this. I should just trust your brains.

So, today is one of those rare days for me when I'm not traveling somewhere for some family obligation, or meeting someone for brunch or coffee or running errands. My roommates are both out...it's just me, myself and I. And I luuuuuuurv it.

I had tentatively planned to go to a park and read, but I bailed on that. I took my time getting my act together and by the time I actually left the house, it was close to 4:30 p.m. I cannot believe I made it all the way to 4:30 p.m. WITHOUT COFFEE. Of course, the reason I LEFT the house at 4:30 p.m. was to get coffee, of course. On my way out, I checked the mailbox and my July Wired had FINALLY arrived, seriously jacked up. No sticky pages, though, so that was a relief. I went to one of the trillion "bodegas" in my hood and bought a banana. I also picked up some delicious dried fruit and nuts.

I got to my coffee place and the guy had ice in my cup before I even removed my earphones. Those peeps don't know my name yet, but once they do, I expect to be greeted with a big, "Dee!" every morning when I walk in. Either that, or close family members and a dependency counselor, for what would assuredly be my impending coffee intervention.

I fixed my coffee and took it outside to sit on the step. The plan was to listen to some music, read my magazine, eat my trailmix and sip my iced coffee. However, plans changed as soon as my ass hit the steel step. YEEEEOOOOOUUUUCH!!!

I BURNED MY ASS ON THE STEEL STEP AT HOPE & UNION!!

It was HOT. This is a PERFECT example of my special brand of dumbpidity. OF COURSE the steel step was hot. It's almost 90 degrees, sunshine is abundant, and there is no real shade in these parts. Carry the four and what you get a is a fucking hot metal step to greet my stupid ass.

Of course, I had to play it off. I couldn't just jump up and rub the burn off my ass. No, I have a reputation to maintain. I'm the always-running-late, always-juggling-17 things, always-pleasant-yet-sassy (I'd like to think!), morning-Iced-Coffee Girl who favors shades of purple and pink and always says, "Have a good day!" on her way out the door. I would rather have a blister on my ass then have "WHO BURNED HER ASS ON OUR METAL STEP ON SATURDAY, HAHAHAHAHA!" added to the end of all that.

I lasted about 2 paragraphs and then I could endure no more. I got up and walked back to my apartment, my burnt ass punishment for my vanity. A small price to pay, I say.

I wanted to stay in the sunshine a bit longer, so I subjected my tender ass to a perch on my stoop, comprised of warm bricks. It wasn't so bad. I mean, I already figured I was going to lose a layer of skin, so the bricks were tolerable by that point. I was finally able to enjoy my music, magazine, mixed nuts and iced coffee.

As a sidenote, here's the reason why I love Wired magazine so effing much: INFO PORN.

I strongly encourage all of you to either subscribe or buy the July issue off the newsstand. It's quite enjoyable. Where else can you find alles onder één dak?

"Researchers have invented a semiconductor with conductivity similar to silicon. It makes cheap transistors that are as heat-resistant as stoneware, which means they can survive in hostile environments like car engines. They're as durable and flexible as garbage bags, an obvious plus for portable electronics. The best part: They could be used in 3-D displays and windshield computers. Why? Because they're utterly clear." -The Invisible Computer by Wil McCarthy, page 37.

"'Most people could be phone sex operators,' she says during a long phone conversation (no charge!) from her office in Cleveland. 'You just have to tap into what's human about you.'" -Best. Phone. Sex. Ever. by Brian Lam, page 93.

"Legendary rooms like NYC's Hit Factory, Los Angeles' Cello, and Sheffield, Alabama's Muscle Shoals all went out of business this year. The reason? Home studio software has democratized the recording process - low-end versions of Cubase and Pro Tools retail for less than $350. Sure, these apps offer great sound if used properly, but most musicians are no match for a seasoned engineer who understands why things like mike placement matter." -The Digital Devolution: 6 Ways Sound Quality Breaks Down by Alec Hanley Bemis, page 56.

"Getting good images of the aroused female brain is easy. It's the orgasm that's the problem. In the dougnut, the slightest head movement ruins the scan. Even if a test subject holds her head perfectly still while masturbating, the parts of the brain responsible for motor control are switched on, muddying the picture. 'You'll see vaginal sensory input to the brain,' Komisaruk says, 'but you'll also get motor activity of the arms and hands, as well as sensory output from them.' To get clean data, he needed to find someone able to achieve orgasm without touching herself." -The Coming Boom by Annalee Newitz, page 106.

And I'm not even done the issue.

Buy it. You'll like it. Do it for my tender, sore, burnt ass.

www.wired.com