WTF? Fridays, Volume IX

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "What the Fuck happened to WTF? Fridays, Volume VIII?"

The answer to that question is: None of your fuckin' business!

Now, I gotta do this, so let's get to it.

(with a tourniquet on my upper right arm, and pumping my fist)

"Where is your vein?"

"Um...sometimes they can't find it."

"Let's try your left arm. Did you drink any water today?"

"Well, no, because I thought since I had to be fasting that, you know, I couldn't drink coffee."

"Well, no, no coffee. But coffee is not water. You should have had some water."

"Oh...I, uh...the only thing I drink in the mornings is-"

"I'm going to have to take it from a vein in your hand."

WTF? OUCH! BITCH! And thanks for the huge fucking bruise!

After that wench (Actually, she was super nice. What's up, Marie!) stole 950 vials of blood from my veiny, dominant hand, I headed back to Brooklyn to finish packing, check my email, and head to Penn Station. It was hot, my luggage was heavy (and left red, angry splotches on my shoulder) and the lines were long. I was surprisingly calm about all of this. I knew this would be a difficult travel day, so I was mentally prepared.

After standing in a long line to get my train ticket, with sweat dripping down my back the entire time, and walking nearly the entire length of the train in an effort to find a car that wasn't standing room only, I found a seat next to a gentleman who apparently, even on days like today, did not believe in deodorant. That was fine, too. I mean, yes, WTF?, but ok, whateves. It's a personal decision. It's summer in New York City and my nose has been desensitized. Soon I was on my way.

Close to Trenton, it starts to pour. I'm prepared, I actually have an umbrella! I jump on the RiverLine, hoping for a better experience than last time, which made it into a WTF? post BECAUSE I ALMOST DIED.

When I was in the ladies room, I was all "I'm a good traveler, so I'm getting my change ready ahead of time and putting it in my pocket" and shit. I get to the ticket machine. I press the button for Fast Fare. The screen says, "Please Pay This Amount: $1.25" WTF? They raised the fair 15 cents! WTF?! I only have $1.10 in change! I have nothing smaller than 20s in my wallet. I dig and find ten more cents. Awesome. But then I come up short one fucking nickel.

I glance at the guy standing next to me. There is no way I'm asking that cat for 5 cents. Resigned, I take out $20, feed it to that greedy fucking machine, and it then vomits my ticket and NINETEEN SACAJAWEA dollar coins. So, now I'm walking around with 45 pounds of change in my wallet.

Whateves. I'm still relatively ok. The storm suddenly gets really fierce and we're only one stop down when the conductor stops the train. My brother texts me to see when I am getting in, and I tell him I don't really know because the train is stopped due to the storm. There is crazy lightning, really loud thunder, rain at a 45 degree angle, and then he texts me, "Tornado warning." WTFingF?

EVERYONE. MEET MY WORST NIGHTMARE! I like to read about, watch documentaries about, and endure Bill Paxton movies about Tornados, but I FEAR EVER HAVING TO EXPERIENCE ONE.

Then he texts me, "Hold on." Then thunder claps so hard, it jolts the train, which is still stopped on the tracks. Then he texts, "Hold on tight." THANKS, STEVE. WTF? Finally, after about 30 minutes, we continue on. But then we're stopped again. There is a signal failure and the station ahead has flooded tracks. WHAT. THE. FUCK. I begin to think I will never get off that damn train.

Suddenly, we're moving again. We're making some decent tracks. Then the conductor says, "Ladies and Gentleman, uh...I'm seeing something ahead on the tracks. I'm not sure what it is, but we're going to ride over it. Please hang on to something tight in the event we have to make a sudden stop."

COME ON! WHAT THE FUCK!

I grab my shit and move to the back of the train. As soon as I do, we clear the mysterious obstacle on the tracks and the rest of the ride was fine.

It took me SIX FUCKING HOURS door to door to get to New Jersey from New York City. SIX HOURS TO TRAVERSE 80 MILES.

WTF!!!

I'm exhausted. And Steve, for fucking with me remotely while I was in the midst of a near-Natural Disaster, I'm telling everyone that of the 35 paltry songs you have on your mini iPod, which you've have for TWO WEEKS NOW, ONE of them is COLOR ME BADD!!