GOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAALLL!!!

I have always been a person with goals. I wouldn't say I'm goal-oriented, because I have a tendency to be really effin lazy. But you know, like most peeps, I do have goals. Just don't ask me to articulate them.

I have a real problem articulating my goals, which is why I suck so hard in job interviews. When they ask me questions like, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" I'm more apt to answer, "Well, hopefully not here! I just need something to pay the bills!" or "Actually, you know, I haven't thought that far ahead. I hope I'm doing something I like, though!" rather than, "Hopefully in a position that allows me to use my talents toward the greater good of the company, but which also allows me to shine in a team environment."

Another problem I have with goals is actually attaining them. I can't remember the last time I managed to achieve a goal where the work leading up to it required more than a 45-minute attention span. It was probably getting into college and then everything I did while there. After college, I worked really hard and then burnt out. The proceeding five years have been spent coming back from that.

But that is neither here nor there.

It has long been a goal of mine to be a healthy individual, since I seem to have been gifted with the aboslute worst genetic probabilities offered up by the union of my parents' gametes. I had back surgery at 22. Gall bladder surgery last summer. A few other things which require pharmaceuticals...

In 2003, after a special bonding moment with a long-time friend, I resolved to try and get healthy. I did pretty well. I got about halfway to the goal line and then I lost my desire to continue because of one thing or another. However, early this spring, after a particularly horrifying post-alcohol aftermath, I resolved to get healthy. There was no way I could possibly have been healthy if I had gotten THAT SICK, I reasoned. I could not continue as I was. It wasn't good for my body or my mind.

And so a soluble fiber-filled, sugar-free existence was embraced by yours truly. I had only vague goals starting out. I just wanted to avoid sugar and incorporate more whole foods into my diet. But as I started to notice the changes in my body as it adapted to my healthier eating habits, I set two goals for the end of the summer with the intention of gladly welcoming whichever came first, if at all.

It was hard in the beginning. It remains very difficult. Every damn day I contemplate buying the banana bran muffin at my coffee shop. Every day I get close. Every day I say no and walk out with my iced coffee.

Yeah, I know. You're sitting there thinking, "That blows! Just have the damn muffin! Bran is healthy!" I agree. But I'd rather not. I'd rather not ever feel the way I used to feel about myself EVER FUCKING AGAIN. I'd rather pass on that tasty, chewy muffin every single day for the rest of my life, so that I can say things like this:

I achieved not just one, but both goals I set for the end of summer, with 2 days to spare! I feel good, I look good, I never thought I would be here, but I am. I never thought I would look at myself in the mirror and think, "Oh, thank God that's me now," but I did just that the other day.

I'm doing a terrible job articulating this, but I can't put a value on what it feels like to finally be the person on the outside that you always knew you were on the inside. It's certainly better than a bowl of mac & cheese, that's for damn sure!*

Mmmm...mac & cheeeeeeese...

*I'm sorry this post is so Oprah. Actually, no I'm not. :)