VDay: It's For Pussies

I took tomorrow off because it's Valentine's Day and I wanted to spend it with MFDC. If that makes me a pussy, then so be it.

Of course, we have absolutely nothing planned other than sleeping in, eating, picking up my glasses and ordering my contacts, getting respective car washes and then having dinner at the most unromantic German restaurant in town, The Red Lion.

Mmmmm... sausage.

Of course, I imagine we'll squeeze a booty session into those plans at some point, but I'm not going to tell you when because that would be weird. You'd be at home, watching American Idol like, "Deebo and MFDC might be doing it right now. EW."

Gross? For you, yes. For me, HELL NAH!

Anyway, Valentine's Day is a tricky thing. On one hand, it makes you sad that you're single. On the other hand, it makes it OK to eat every damn thing in sight, because nothing eases the ragged stitch of singledom like emotionally overeating yourself into a stupor.

For my single friends, I recommend a burger, lots of booze, something deep fried and chocolatey. Always worked for me. Of course, it was usually followed by a gall bladder attack and a severe self-loathing episode. Luckily for me, these days I no longer possess a gall bladder. In a way, you could say loneliness ached it right out of me. Or, you could say that being an emotionally overwrought, genetically unfortunate foodie caused me to lose my gallbladder. Either one works. You know, I asked them to see it.

Why are we talking about this?

Look. I just want everybody to know that somewhere on this planet, there is a person who loves you. Even if you're a dick and you don't deserve it. So, take comfort in that this Valentine's Day and try not to be too jealous of me, because I'm madly in love and all and have found my penguin.

Happy Valentine's Day, Bitches.

Here's some cuteness for your ass: