New Order

You know that song "Regret" by New Order? It's pretty much my anthem and has been for a loooooong time. When I set up my iTunes account, it was among the very first things I bought. Along with "Tender Kisses" by Tracie Spencer and "Big Country" by Big Country. I can recall being in a hostel in London, lying down in a bunk bed with someone in the bed under me and Meghan in the bed over me (Yes. Triple bunks. It was a little claustrophobic. Plus, we were sharing a room with this Argentinian who didn't speak too much English, but was a randy fellow who liked to sleep on top of his covers.), and just listening to that song over and over and over again.

I think my parents' divorcing when I was so young has everything to do with this never-ending drive toward security. If I don't feel like a situation is working out, or is less secure than I am comfortable with, you can bet I'm making plans to get the fuck out. I don't want to be around for the meltdown. I want to already be setting up shop in a better, more solid situation. Which, when you consider everything I just wrote, doesn't really fit the pattern my life has cut so far. Yes, you can see moments where I freaked, i.e., leaving L.A. like a bat outta Hell, leaving Kelly in favor of living with Kim...

At the time these seemed like good decisions and both of those situations ended up being life-altering experiences that tested the very last tethers of my willpower and determination. Denial is a very powerful salve, my friends. It has the efficacy of say, Tiger Balm, but without the big yellow stain. It's more like Ben-Gay Spa. I love that stuff. But I am digressing.

I really would like a place I could call my own and have a conversation on the telephone. Wake up every day in my own surroundings; that would certainly be a start. And if I were to achieve these seemingly simple, basic things, I would not complain about my wounded heart.

Some days I am not sure I can take another thing. Getting into my own spot in this world is paramount to me. I feel like if I have a good, solid jumping off point and someplace soft and mine to land, then whatever I have to deal with while airborne won't seem as out of control or chaotic.

I just want something that is mine. So I can sit down and breath for once.