Something happens to me when I eat.
Throughout all my MANY weightloss quests, whenever I would be researching the best ways to quell my appetite and not eat so damn much (when no one was around), I would read asinine things like, "Cut your food up into small pieces and eat them one by one," "Place your food on salad plates instead of dinner plates so your meal looks larger,""Chew until your food is almost liquified in your mouth and then drink lots of water in between bites," "Turn off the TV and sit down to dinner with no distractions. When you pay attention to what you're eating, you'll be more satisfied," "If you can afford it, develop a raging cocaine habit. Starbuck's works just as well," etc...
Fortunately, I was able to stumble across the right solution for me, but I still have never quite learned how to truly savor my food. For instance, I was just sitting here eating my 6" tuna on wheat from Subway and reading Kristoffer's Not Suitable For Mealtime essay on the proper way to wipe your ass and tragic cloggings of low flow toilets, and by the time I was through reading the article, I was down to about a 1 and 3/4" tuna on wheat from Subway.
Folks, I am not a slow reader. I managed to inhale that sandwich in the time it took for me to marvel at the brilliance of the phrase "sewer pickle." When I finished my sandwich, I looked at the clock. AND WAS ASHAMED.
How I managed to lose 90 pounds never learning how to be in the moment at mealtime is something I will never, ever know. After I realized that I basically RAMMED my lunch down my throat, I started to wonder and worry...oh my God...consuming food that quickly MUST be noisy! What do I sound like when I'm feeding? Do I snarf? Do I burp too much? WHAT MUST MY CUBICLEMATES THINK OF ME! For chrissakes! I'm an animal!!!
Still. I'm not as bad as my brother, Steve. I'm sorry Steve, but you have to be the loudest eater on the planet. You know I love you, but really. It's not your fault, though. You were cursed with a high palate and allergies to everything. Those factors combined make you sound like a balloon with a small leak bouncing off a greased up whoopee cushion when you eat. But the beauty of it is that you don't even know it.
Well, NOW you do.
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1 comments:
I have lunch with my father once every week, and every week we consume our meals in under twenty minutes.
It's because if you don't eat the food quickly, it might walk away!
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