Sunday Morning Mini Mental Breakdown

I had a mini mental breakdown this morning. It came out of nowhere. Well, actually, it OBVIOUSLY came from somewhere, but identifying that foul, hopeless, dank, stinky place from whence it doth reared it's fugly, gnarly face is a course of action I am consciously choosing not to pursue because I think 1.) it will drive me insane... well, OK, more insane than usual and 2.) it doesn't really exist. At least, not in any identifiable location outside of my own increasingly problematic overactive imagination. Instead, I decided to come into the office, where it's hella HOT, and get moving on some L.A.-related things.

Most of my anxiety these days is related to my decision to move to L.A., so I personally feel that the best course of action, in terms of getting those feelings under control and preventing MORE Sunday Morning Mini Mental Breakdowns, is to try and chip away at the mountain that is my List of Things To Do Before My Imminent Departure From New York.

Today I looked at job openings and located my resume, which I have begun to update in preparation for submission. For what, I cannot even begin to tell you. I'm not targeting a specific industry, but I am going to work hard at finding a position which best suits my skillset along with my potential, and which incorporates things I love to do with the things at which I excel.

Holy shit! I just wrote my Objective.

I've also managed to make it to the gym three out of the past four days, and that has gone a long way toward improving my overall state of mind. But that high only lasts for so long.

I think my problem is that my brain is just too full of junk; old junk, new junk, junk I'll never be able to completely erradicate, junk that isn't even real and just serves to undermine my greatest intentions. Junkity junk junk junky. It's so full of junk, I can't remember simple things, like the fact that my toothbrush needs a new battery, or that I have a prescription waiting to be picked up. I find myself unable to respond to emails which require any type of real thought, simply because I just don't have the bandwidth to string a few thoughtful words together.

My brain is just too busy arguing with itself. And though I know this isn't a true descent into madness (I would never disrespect any person's actual, torturous experience with something like that by presuming to equate it a few personally bad days), it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. It doesn't mean that I don't feel like I could break at any second. The difference between what I'm feeling now and the other thing is that I have hope for -and expect- lighter days ahead.

I imagine tomorrow will be a little bit better.