Bid Tits

Somehow, Los Angeles is listed as one of America's Fattest Cities by some bunk list on CNN.com. I don't understand how this is possible, what with all the anorexic celebutards in residence. I mean, do I really need to even name them? I bet my Dad could name at least 5 famously underweight Hollywood starlets and he is straight up Fox News only!

Of course, this might have something to do with the Olsen Twins' bi-coastal status. They must have been in New York City when the Men's Fitness Magazine admittedly non-scientific analysis of each city took place.

And then again, the year I lived in New Jersey but worked in Philly saw Philly on the Fattest Cities list, so it's quite possible that IT COULD BE ME. Even though I really did lose that four pounds last week and another pound this week, for a GRAND TOTAL of five pounds! WHOO-WHOOO!

I got a silver star in my Weight Watchers meeting and I got to tell everybody that I managed to achieve this illustrious goal by limiting the amount of food I stuff into my craw on a daily basis.

Despite the sunshine and the abundance of grain-fed, organic, no-antibiotic, free-range, in-season, pesticide-free, low sodium, gluten-free, flax-laden hippy food, I guess I don't find it that hard to believe that we're all fatter than most of the nation's other major cities. I mean, the traffic alone forces me to sit on my ass for an extra 2 hours a day, and I only commute to work, which is only about 10 miles away. I try not to drive anywhere else, like, ever. Although I will when I feel bad about making MFDC drive me everywhere.

My drives, though limited to my commute, always have some small point of interest to them, whether it be sheer awe at the complete stupidity of California drivers, a heart-pounding maneuver required to save my life or the residual value of my car, an inexplicably quick ride, a really expensive car sighting (Bentleys, Ferraris, Aston-Martins, Porches, Lamborghinis), or a Celebrity Driving Their Car (Meg Ryan and Scarlett Johanssen, both in their Range Rovers), there's always something generally entertaining about it.

Except when it rains. Then there is nothing fun about anything. California drivers do not know how to respond to "weather." They either drive as though it's not pouring rain, limiting their visibility, and creating a slick layer on the roads caused by a build up of oil OR they drive like they're riding on bald tires on an inch of ice uphill. There is no happy medium.

There's a really nice guy at work, Nathan. I like him, and when he's in town I usually do some work for him. The company is relocating him here to Los Angeles, the fattest city with the least affordable housing market.

I walked into his office and commented on how disgusting the smog layer looked from his view. I said, "Ugh, look at that smog. You can't even see the tops of the (Hollywood) Hills. Gross." And he said, "That's smog? I thought maybe that was a marine layer or something."

Marine layer. HAHAHAHHAHAH.

Oh, Nathan. You're not in Charlottesville, VA anymore.

Maybe Los Angeles is weighed down by all the carbons that blanket the city. Maybe it's all the assfat women have injected into their faces so they don't look their age. Maybe it's all the babies celebrities keep bringing in from all over the world to adopt. If only they'd adopt local, grain-fed, in-season, probiotic babies, then we'd be able to maintain a somewhat slender profile. Because maintaining really is the hardest part.