Note To Chewbacca: In L.A., Marilyn Is Sacred

For those of you who live or work in Los Angeles, particularly in the Hollywood area, you may or may not have noticed that Chewbacca has been conspicuously absent from his territory near Mann's Chinese Theater. I happened to notice a while ago, since Hollywood Blvd. was part of my route home before we moved offices from Beverly Hills.

I'm not sure what this says about me; that I could somehow take notice of the absence of a Chewbacca impersonator yet manage to give out my cell phone number incorrectly for A MONTH STRAIGHT and then turn around and do it again with my new land line. Something about priorities, I'm sure.

Anyway, here's what the recalcitrant wookiee has been up to: Defamer.com.

I kind of feel bad for Chewbacca. As a warrior myself (having recently battled legions of giant, disgusting ants at LEAST .25" long)(I prevailed, of course), I can empathize with the restlessness of his spirit. He's probably thinking to himself, "What's next for me, a wookiee in Hollywood?" And what CAN be next for Chewbacca?

There will be no more Star Wars movies. Sure, the cartoons continue, but voicework is fleeting, doesn't pay as much, and most producers know that they can get some non-union hack in there to grunt and groan wookiee-style. And though he may only be half-convincing as a real wookiee, he's also half price!

So, the wookiee resorts to loitering in front of Mann's Chinese Theater and posing for pictures with tourists for piddling tips, reliving past glories. You see, to the wookiee, the admiration and attention is food for his tortured soul.

But then it gets hot. And busy. Many tourists do not speak English and hearing his name butchered in a foreign tongue is like nails on a chalkboard to the wookiee. With no union gigs available to keep his health benefits going, he's off the Xanax. He looks for ways to alleviate some of that pent-up frustration, so he head-butts a tour guide. Ok, fine, he was probably a douchebag tour guide anyway. And, according to Wikipedia, wookiees are short-tempered. The tour guide should have known better. THE INFORMATION IS OUT THERE.

His situation remains unimproved, his frustrations mount, he scuffles with Batman. Again, boys will be boys. You put two alpha-male warriors in a situation where they're competing for tips and these things are bound to happen. Hollywood turns a blind eye to the missteps of its heroes.

That is, until one day a certain hairy hero takes the dainty, revered hand of a Ms. Marilyn Monroe and places it squarely in the region of his wookiee junk.

NOT COOL, CHEWIE. NOT COOL.

As of this writing, Chewbacca remains at large; a warrior, a celebrity, a molester...

...a lonely heart.