WTF? Fridays, Volume VII: The Boring One

I'm not totally feeling WTF? Friday today, folks. That in and of itself deserves a WTF? I'm just way too...something. Low-key, I guess. There are a few things I'd like to bitch about, though. I'll do them in list form:

1.) Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes engaged. WTF??? Could they be any more bizarre? Or any more transparent? And where the fuck is Nicole Kidman? Her BABIES are involved in this! And Katie now has a Scientology handler who goes with her everywhere.

Scientology is weird. I know because I was kidnapped by Scientologists, who held me hostage in an old church in Boston for over EIGHT FREAKING HOURS. During this time, they managed to get all my cash (only $7, thank God) and gave me this "personality test," the results of which revealed TO THEM that I was in danger of DYING because I didn't know how to communicate. It went something like this:

"Did you know you're in danger of DYING if you don't learn how to communicate effectively?"

"Um, no, I didn't know that."

"Well, it's true. I mean look at this chart. All these peaks? They're good. You have a few things figured out. You're smart. But see all these valleys? They're very bad. There's still a lot you need to learn as far as communication is concerned."

"But, uh, I go to Emerson College, which is a communications school. What can you teach me about communication that they can't?"

[beat]

"Do you know who John Travolta is? What about Tom Cruise?"

And so on. It was terrible. You know, they BILLED me for some classes THEY signed me up for?

Scientologists. WTF??

2.) Drivers in my home town: WTFingF? Could you BE any worse a driver? No, seriously. I've driven full-time in 4 different cities and traveled across the country twice. Everybody else in the country stays on THEIR SIDE OF THE YELLOW LINES! Why do you need that much road? WTF? This is the suburbs! You're not driving a team of clydesdales, woman! It's a fucking Civic! STAY ON YOUR SIDE OF THE ROAD.

3.) One Hour Photo. I'm filling out the form at 4 p.m. I checked the time on my cell phone. The girl says to me, "How's 6 p.m.?" WTF? The sign says, ONE HOUR PHOTO. Not TWO HOUR PHOTO.

At 6 o'clock every tool and their mother will be clogging up this town's streets in an effort to get to the Atlantic City Expressway. Navigating ANYWHERE at 6 p.m. would be like approaching the Lincoln Tunnel at the same hour. Small, overpopulated town with not enough through streets or traffic lights = traffic that doesn't even feel worth it.

Once you sit in L.A. traffic for two hours straight, or crawl through the Lincoln tunnel, under bedrock and water, at two miles an hour, small town traffic seems so pointless. If I'm approaching a light and I see a mile backup or more, there better be some sirens and some deflated airbags.

She owns me, the girl who runs the one hour photo machine. She owns me until 6:30, that BITCH.