Memory

Going home to New Jersey for my brother's wedding was a whirlwind. That's the best way I can describe it. One minute, I'm in Pittsburgh sitting on a plane being de-iced, the next minute I'm reconciling with my grandmother, catching up with family I hadn't seen in over a year, and realizing that Dan and I are actually... NEXT.

BabySteve's gorgeous wedding was some form of goal for both Dan and I. It was like, once we reached that wedding, and made it back all in one piece, then we could really start making moves to make progress on our own wedding. We've done as much planning as is possible right now, but for some reason we could only focus on BabySteve's wedding before we could really, truly focus on our own.

When we returned from the wedding, we gave ourselves some time to recover from the whirlwind travel and then it was time to start getting our act together as a married-couple-to-be.

I have to say, the past several weeks have involved a lot of sorting out for me, emotionally. Being on an anti-depressant is almost like an out-of-body experience. On one hand, I feel more "myself" than I have in a loooooong time. On the other, there's a lot of sorting out of my reality to be done, and to be planning a wedding along with all that internal organizing and self re-introduction (eh?), is quite a big deal. It can be overwhelming.

But then I have moments like today. Today I had my mom, Meghan and Courtney over for brunch and then we went wedding dress shopping. I admitted to the girls that I hadn't really been focusing too hard on the dress shopping part because I had to make sure I had tasty treats for them. But once we were in the Passat (loaned to us by the MFDC so the ladies could travel in comfort and style! Not that Doris isn't comfy or stylish, it's just that the Passat is a better traveling coach), and we were on our way to the Bridal shop, it finally occurred to me that, holy shit, I'm going WEDDING DRESS SHOPPING.

This is something I'd hoped for since I was a little girl, but for the longest time never thought it would be part of my reality!

Ultimately, after struggling in and out of many dresses that had clearly been struggled in and out of by many other nervous soon-to-be Mrs., I found The Dress. My mother picked it out and I tried it on because the Muppet told me to "keep an open mind" when dress shopping and to "wear good undergarments." I walked out with Meghan to show the dress to Courtney and my Mom. Everyone loved the dress, but I wasn't sure, since it was so far away from everything I had considered as a possibility. Mom was keeping quiet so as not to influence me, but I could tell by the vibe that everyone loved the dress. And then Courtney uttered the magic words, "Let's get a veil."

Meghan rushed off to get the veil and was back in a flash. Ruby, the woman helping in and out of the dresses, placed the veil on my head and turned me around to face the mirror. Suddenly, I got chills. My blood flew through my veins and I thought, "This dress is perfect for Catalina!" I felt like I looked beautiful in it, I felt like a bride. But mostly I just felt so blessed to be having that moment and to be surrounded by so much love. I have come so far in the past few years as a person. And I'm just so glad that my mom was with me, and that I have more appreciation and understanding for her than I ever have before.

This message brought to you by my therapist, Leila, and by all my girlhood hopes and dreams that are just now daring to be realized.



Did I chose one of these? You'll have to wait until November to find out! ;)