Sphere of Danielle

Random Question: What came first – the title or the blog?

Random Slice of Life: In my bed right now are: Two books, one pair of stereo headphones with about 80 feet of cord, a heating pad (for cramps), five pillows, and my balled up flat sheet. And this morning I woke up at the foot of it. I think this is a metaphor for my life, because the contents of my mind are not much more organized.

I do have some purpose, however. It’s nice to have purpose. I have not had purpose for a good long time now. I am feeling great despite the wounds on my belly and in my gut and the residual CO2 that keeps creeping back to cramp my right shoulder/collar bone area.

I guess if I were to sum up my purpose in one word, it would be reclamation.

rec·la·ma·tion ( P ) Pronunciation Key (r k l -m sh n)n.
The act or process of reclaiming.
A restoration, as to productivity, usefulness, or morality.

I would like to reclaim my health, my self-confidence, my ambition, my creativity, and one particular friendship that I let lapse for many reasons, most of them having to do with everything I just expressed a desire to reclaim.

People come in and out of your life for a reason. Some of them you just have to let go over time, and I have. For a while when I was younger, I tried to keep everybody who ever meant anything to me in my sphere at all times. But that got exhausting. I was telling my friend Michelle last night, who is “committed to keeping it real,” that everyone I have ever encountered for whom I developed a soft spot has stuck around in my life. And those that wandered out for whatever reason have found their way back.

Everyone I know and love and see right now is here because when I met them, I just could not help but love them. And I am amazed at how fortunate I am to have a handful of these people in my life. I am amazed and awed by whatever it is about human nature that allows first encounters to develop into lasting relationships. So it’s difficult for me to understand how one of these people who at one time, was so important to me, could actually not be in my life. To me, that’s unacceptable.

There is still a lot of feeling behind my thoughts about this person, undefined though it is. I feel like this person needs to be back in my life so that I can give them the rest of the care that was allocated to them so long ago, however it chooses to manifest. That might sound like sappy bullshit, and I agree that it is, but it’s true! (I have to stop doing this – writing in disclaimers or apologies after I express something particularly sensitive. I don’t know why I do it. Perhaps to perpetuate the myth that I am, in fact, dead inside.)

I don’t know how else to describe it. I don’t want to hang on to this! I want to give it away. It’s not rightfully mine; it was intended for this other person. So, I am going attempt to draw this person back into the Sphere of Danielle and see if they choose to reclaim this big old chunk of throbbing regard that has been sitting, neglected and unused, in the Lost and Found box of my life.