Between You & Me

Just a few random tidbits that have been floating around in my dome…

It’s really effing cold here. Tuesday it was 12. That was the high. Felt like –6, although I’m not sure how they gauge that. Do they just ask people? Get a consensus? And since everyone feels temperature differently, how true could the “feels like” number really be? It must go something like this:

“Excuse me, sir, are you aware that the current temperature is a nipple-crushing 12 degrees?”

“Er, yes, I think I was clued in to that fact when I swallowed and my gullet hit my nads.”

“Excellent! But nipple-crushing cold is only 12 degrees. Judging by what you experienced, it must feel colder than that.”

“That’s correct. When I nearly swallowed my nads, I thought, ‘It feels like –6 today.’”

It must have been close to really feeling like that, though. Dogs body temperatures run around 102-106 degrees. So, when their urine leaves their bodies, it’s pretty warm. To freeze, as you know, it must decrease from over 100 degrees to less than 32. You know when you see a stream of dog pee FROZEN IN TRANSIT across the sidewalk that it’s pretty damn cold. Enough about that.

I’m a big fan of Between You and Me cards. They’re a super tender, squishy sweet brand of Hallmark cards that have become my signature. I give them for birthdays and “just because.” If you’ve gotten a BY&Me card from me, you’re super-spesh.

I still include my own Splenda-laden words of love, devotion, and loyalty – usually sparked with the phrase, “I could not have said it better myself…” followed by outpourings from my soul. I like doing it. I don’t like it when people just give cards and sign their names. Gimme a personal thought! Let me know I’m special to you!

I love getting cards. I have saved pretty much every one I have ever gotten for a birthday, illness, graduation, christmas, just because...but the collection is lacking a certain something...

All this is to say that I fucking hate Valentine’s Day and all its pink and red teddy-beary chocolate bullshit! It’s JUST A CARD HOLIDAY!!! It makes you feel bad about yourself, no matter what! That’s so EVIL! How could a company with a line of cards such as BY&Me foster such a self-esteem destroying “holiday?”

Can you tell I have never had a Valentine?