HEEEEEY YOOOOOUUUU GUUUUUUYS!!!

This morning when I awoke, I felt really super tired. This probably has something to do with the fact that I didn't fall asleep until close to 2 a.m., despite being seriously sleep deprived. I think I could safely attribute last night's insomnia to 1.) too much caffeine and b.) the nap I took between 8:30 p.m. and 9:30 p.m. and III.) getting too deep into the iPod at such a late hour.

I didn't mean to take a nap. I'm not the type who takes naps. I hate the feeling I have when I wake up. Groggy, eyes burning from my contacts, the invisible tension band around my head...I'd rather just be tired and awake.

When I awoke this morning and felt the heaviness of sleep still in my eyes, it was nothing out of the ordinary. My eyes usually resemble a full set of American Tourister luggage when I wake up. I put on my robe, grabbed my towel, and headed to the shower. I glanced at myself in the mirror and then did a double-take.

My right eye was drooping and swollen halfway shut! I LOOKED LIKE SLOTH FROM GOONIES! Except without the bald, cone-shaped head and awesome Superman t-shirt. Oh, and I have all my teeth. And don't drool. Well, not a lot, anyway.

So, as you can imagine, I was all, "WTFingF?" I poked and prodded at it. I pressed on it to see if it was painful, and it wasn't. It was just annoying and heavy. And then it occurred to me. This has happened to be before, just not on my eyelid.

This was a motherfucking SPIDER BITE!!

While in the shower, thoughts of millions of little baby spider eggs hatching from my eyelid started to torture me. I hurriedly finished so that I could jump out and apply a bag of steeped, black tea to it, since I knew it would bring the swelling down. However, I discovered, much to my chagrin, that we only have two different types of mint tea, two different types of green tea, and one box of "Sleepy Time" tea. That woulda been real helpful last night.

I decided to apply some Tea Tree Oil I have, since it seems to be nature's panacea, as far as skin is concerned. While I was laying there, waiting in vain for the swelling to go down, I plucked my eyebrows. My Sloth-like eye would be nicely framed by a neat arch.

When I would blink, sometimes the bump would fold under, but most of the time it would just crease and it would look like I had a triple eyelid! A Dee-lemma arose: to make-up or not to make-up? Should I just wear my huge shades all day? WHAT COULD I DO TO DISGUISE MY SLOTH EYE!?!?!

I applied some make-up, and then parted more hair over to that side of my head than I normally do, which effectively concealed the temporary malformation.

It reminded me of a time when I was about 13. I had a perm (OH YEAH!). My hair was all one length, and it was bobbed above my shoulders. I wore it parted to the right, so a lot of permed locks would curtain that side of my face. One night, I said something snotty to my mother at the dinner table and she said, between clenched teeth, "IF YOU DON'T GET THAT HAIR OUT OF YOUR EYE RIGHT. NOW. SO HELP ME GOD, I WILL REMOVE IT FOR YOU."

I still have a fear of having too much hair in my eyes.

I just looked. It's still there, but not AS bad. I'll continue to keep it hidden and keep you apprised of The Swelling's rate of decrease. Because if I'm obsessed, then TwerpsWorld's obsessed!