Smooth Jazz On The Deck, Sans Smooth Jazz

This weekend was a busy one for me! Some of you noted my absence from the blogosphere. I done TOLD you's that I was traveling this weekend! Sheesh.

Anyway, I did not sleep much. Oh no. There was too much iTunesing and shopping at Target and "ooohing" and "aaaahing" over pink, frilly baby things and hair dyeing to do.

Kimberly rode down on the bus to have her hair did, too. She went red. It looks fantastic. It also took 700 hours to do, whereas mine took about 37 seconds.

Somehow, when plans were being made for the weekend, and I was trying to figure out how I would manage to see all immediate family members AND somehow get my roots done after iTunesing and shopping at Target, BabySteve booked me and Kimberly for Smooth Jazz and BBQ on the Deck at my dad's.

Let me say that again, just to ensure you read that correctly: BabySteve committed me AND KIMBERLY to Smooth Jazz and BBQ on the Deck.

Me and Kimberly. Smooth Jazz. BBQ.

As most of you know by now, one of the best things about Kimberly (and, admittedly, one of the most nerve-wracking) is the inability to predict what's going to come flying out of her mouth at any given moment. Once I knew we were firmly committed to Smooth Jazz and BBQ on the Deck with THE STEVE, a certain level of preparation had to be achieved.

Of course, I trusted that Kimberly would behave in the manner which she was brought up, and she did not fail me, AS I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T, BITCH, SO JUST SHUT YOUR DAMN TRAP AND KEEP READING, GOD!

Smooth Jazz on the Deck actually ended up turning into Smooth Jazz in the Family Room with the Digital Camera later in the day. Shockingly, when we arrived, The Breeders' "Cannonball" was playing. That was followed by Bjork's "Human Behavior." Wtf? I thought.

WHERE WAS THE EFFING SMOOTH JAZZ?

Dad had put his WEA collection in the CD player. It was good, but quite random. In fact, in one of the more bizarre moments of the day, we were all sitting On The Deck, Kimberly was giving my brother no end of shit and Cindy was trying to keep various elder family members from flipping too far into her photo album, fearing that they would encounter the photographic evidence of a Dirty Girl Sex Toy demonstration she went to, when "Freak Me" by Silk came on right when several conversations fell into a simultaneous lull.

There we were, staring at each other, as these lyrics wafted across us like a COLD, UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE:

Let me lick you up and down
Til you say stop
Let me play with your body baby
Make you real hot
Let me do all the things you want me to do
Cuz tonight baby I wanna get freaky with you

Baby don't you understand
I wanna be your nasty man
I wanna make your body scream
And you will know just what I
(you know what I mean)

24 carat gold
To warm the nights when you get cold
I wanna lick you up and down

I somehow managed, after several horrified looks from my Deck Companions, to jump up and tear into the house, wrench open the stereo cabinet and skip the disc in record time. I thought I got there before the "lick you up and down part." Alas, I was too late. Good thing Nana's 82 year-old ears are on something of a decline.

Other various random moments from the day include, but are not limited to:

• Kimberly's first (and, unfortunately, disappointing) WaWa experience;
  
• somebody bringing up scotch, then my dad magically appearing with some for Kimberly, who said she would not drink it alone, which led to my dad bringing himself one and then throwing it back in front of Kimberly's non-plussed eyes and my speechless self;
  
• being handed a nearly-full bottle of COURVOISIER by my dad to take back to New York;
• spending over an hour in the Family room going through every picture on the digital camera to the sounds of Smooooooth Jaaaaaz (finally!) - highlights included the guy who tightropes between two hotels in Niagara and pictures of me at Christmas when my eyes got that snotting disease;
  
• the lady at the bus station not only remembering my name, but recognizing that I lightened my hair and then saying, "Here you go, Danielle...you look good," as she handed me my ticket.
  

Thanks, Liz from Trinidad! So do you!