1.) I have a favorite pen that I have managed to hang on to for FIVE YEARS. That's right. I bought it on my last gig in L.A. and I still have it. Sadly, they're not making it anymore, and I am on my last refill! However, eBay RULES! Mine has a black barrel.
2.) It IS possible for ME to get too much sleep! I would estimate that I got about 7 hours last night and I feel more myself. Especially after those two coffees!
3.) I have a "blended" family:
Steve: brother, 31
Eric: half-brother, 18
Connie: step-sister, 37
Wayne: step-brother, 35
Cindy: step-sister, 25
I don't expect you to remember it. The Muppet still doesn't know them all. That's cool, I know it's confusing. The only one who reads this site is Steve. It's the privilege of only those who share my full DNA.
4.) I had all my wisdom teeth extracted at the same time when I was a freshman in college. The day before the extraction, I felt a tickle in the back of my throat and my doctor refused to put me out for it. Instead, she gave me a prescription for ONE valium the morning of the surgery. I took it before my mom and step-dad picked me up and then proceeded to call every phone number my drug-addled brain could remember, just to chat. It wasn't even 8 a.m. yet.
She gave me novacaine and laughing gas and I "talked" the whole time. Gee, shocking.
When I returned from my weekend convalescence in New Hampshire, the homemade raviolis and meatballs made with unconditional love by my mother and given to me so I could survive the coming week of soreness and swelling were later eaten by my Swiss-German roommate in toto without my express permission. I learned the meaning of blind rage.
5.) I used to LOATHE coffee. I made it all the way through college and my time in Los Angeles without it. I was a tea drinker all the way. However, when I started The Porn job, there was a Dunkin' Donuts down the street that Laura and I would go to nearly every day. After that, there was no turning back for me, though there have been periods when I've quit it...but I just keep coming back!
6.) In 6th grade, my music teacher, Mr. Henderson, held me after school one day and asked me if I wanted to sing a solo in the Spring concert. OF COURSE I did. I was hoping and praying that he would suggest my absolute favorite song at the time, and he did.
The night of the concert, after weeks of after school practicing, I started singing the solo, saw my mom, lost my place in my brain, and fucked up Somewhere Over The Rainbow like it's never been fucked up before. I immediately started crying and wanted to run away. We started over and I finished, though my voice was quivering and thick with unshed tears. I got a standing ovation and hated it because I knew I didn't deserve it.
I still blame my mom for it. She's very nice and lets me do that.
7.) Sang the "Theme to Ice Castles," popularized by Melissa Manchester, in and 8th grade Talent Show. Killed it. REDEMPTION! Wearing a Stewart Plaid Skidz blazer. WITH SHOULDER PADS. Dad missed it. Why? Because he had bowling that night.
8.) Sang "It's Not That Easy Being Green" in 9th grade. Killed THAT. Standing O! Woo-hoo! Unstoppable! I had almost lived down the Terrible 6th Grade Solo!
9.) And then, in 10th grade...the Holiday concert... "In the meadow we can build a snowmaaaaan...and pretend that he is Parson Brown....he'll...we'll...uhoh..." Yeah. In front of the whole school. I WAS HUMILIATED. Nobody seemed to notice, BUT I DID!
10.) I played the saxophone for 14 minutes before I decided it was too fuckin' heavy to be worth it.
11.) I lost TWO retainers in elementary school. I had a habit of wrapping them up in napkins and putting them on my tray and then forgetting about them in my mad dash to the ice cream line. FIGURES! The janitor and I would go through all the trash, me crying the whole time because I knew my dad would be pissed.
One day, a sixth grader saw what was going on. She was smallish with red hair. "Trash picker!" she yelled at me. I was so embarrassed. I hated her in that moment! We found the retainer that time. And the red head? Well, she never grew past her 6th grade height. TRUE FACT.
12.) The Muppet thought I was of African-American descent when Emerson sent out the roommate assignments before freshman year.
13.) I never met my grandfathers. My mother's father remains the top on my list of People I Wish I Could Meet. The best compliments I get are when my mother or my grandmother tell me how proud he would have been of me.
14.) My brother, Steve, taught me how to tie my shoes.
15.) My friend and unrequited High School crush, Victor, taught me how to drive, God bless him. He made me parallel park so many times that I officially became a Parallel Parking Champion.
16.) I had seven Cabbage Patch Kids. Seven.
17.) I read voraciously as a kid. All of the Babysitter's Club and most of the Nancy Drew series. I loved Choose Your Own Adventure Novels.
18.) I even read Star Trek novels. What's. Up.
19.) I got my first pair of glasses at the age of 10.
20.) I've had my ears pierced 5 times but still only have one hole in each ear.
BONUS TRACKS:
Dogs names through the years - Cuddles, Buffy, Puddin', Boo-Boo, Shags, Duncan
Cats - Rosie, Kitty-Kat, Dolly
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9 comments:
Exactly why are there so many songs about rainbows???
That's a good question, RockDog. I'd defer to The Admiral on that one. I can only speak with authority on how fuckin' hard it is being green!
:)
Wonderful. Such a well-composed, numbered confession deserves no less than a sarcastic numbered response.
1) This is just another fact among many that leads me to believe that you are, quite happily, insane.
2) Don't let the Ghost and Alien Lobby tell you what to think!
3) Interesting, large family. I will forgo making a snarky comment here which might unearth latent familial anguish, and just offer that I have a half-brother named Adem. He passed away from a couple of years ago.
4) I wish I had my wisdom teeth out. It seems so much more comfortable.
5) I think I am starting to get the impression that you like coffee. And you seem to be enjoying your iPod a bit, too! Good for you.
6) Ha ha!
7) A Skidz blazer?! I had no idea such a thing existed.
8) Yeah but you had an edge over the other performers because you actually are green.
9) Who cares? That song sucks anyway.
10) Remember that shirtless guy in one of the opening scenes to The Lost Boys, he's on stage at some beach bonfire festival, playing the saxophone and belting into the mic, "OHWAI STUH-HEEL BUH-HUH-LEIVE!!" My dad named him "the sweaty asshole" and he is probably the main reason I didn't take saxophone as a kid. Also, I didn't want to.
11) You realize that almost the exact name thing happened in the movie Parenthood? I always felt for that kid, he was so nervous and upset all the time.
12) She must have been crushed.
13) I met one grandfather, he was okay. He smacked his lips when he ate and spoke too loudly. Once, he told me how to make a great sauce by mixing the gelatin that comes with gefilte fish with red horseradish. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up.
14) One word: velcro.
15) When I was fourteen, my godsister Dina tried to teach me how to drive stick shift. Never mind that I hadn't ever driven a vehicle in my life, and that I had no permit, and that I was basically scared to death at the prospect of driving, she still decided that it would be safe to teach me. When teaching me to put the stick shift into neutral, she pointed out how you can "wag" the stick back and forth to make sure that it isn't in gear. She said something like, "I just like to hold something long and hard," which scarred me to this day.
16) I melted seven Cabbage Patch Kid heads in the sixth grade. Seven.
17) I read the classic Nancy Drew mysteries as a kid. I've never admitted that before.
18) Nerd.
19) See #18.
20) Well, it's good to keep your options open.
BT: Puddin'? PUDDIN'?! Thank you for sending me home from work tonight with something to chuckle about!
Uh, sorry that comment looks like such a shitstorm. It looked okay in the preview! The link is to the alsa.org website, and the missing text in #3 is "Lou Gehrig's Disease".
Sheesh! Sorry.
"stewf"
Regarding #9.) I once asked my mom who Parson Brown was. I had no clue, and she always knows things like that. But apparently she didn't either because she looked at me like I was crazy to ask. And in hindsight I see I was. I mean who gives a shit?
But since I asked, I am guessing he is the fictitious priest at a cozy warm church in a small, snow covered imaginary country village. What do you think?
As a kid, I assumed he was related to Charlie Brown.
"This is just another fact among many that leads me to believe that you are, quite happily, insane."
Correct.
"Interesting, large family. I will forgo making a snarky comment here which might unearth latent familial anguish, and just offer that I have a half-brother named Adem. He passed away from a couple of years ago."
I am truly sorry to hear this. I will post this link permanently on my site. Thank you for providing it.
"Nerd."
Yup! And proud of it, too!
;)
"The night of the concert, after weeks of after school practicing, I started singing the solo, saw my mom, lost my place in my brain, and fucked up Somewhere Over The Rainbow like it's never been fucked up before. I immediately started crying and wanted to run away. We started over and I finished, though my voice was quivering and thick with unshed tears. I got a standing ovation and hated it because I knew I didn't deserve it."
Three words baby...Silver and Gold.
The really really short 6th grader was at Erics graduation.
Connie is 38. Remember we are all 3 years apart from the next in line.
Just mentioning Shags makes me miss the hell out of that dog, hated the cats.
Oh yeah, and none of you better have a problem with STar Trek novels. THey are without a doubt some of the best written stories of our time.
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