Miles Per GEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Dudes. Seriously. I would describe my salary as mid-range. It's right around where someone in my position (Happy AP Day to me, btw!) should be in Los Angeles in 2008. However, even in that somewhat comfortable range, I am DEFINITELY feeling the pinch at the pump, yo!

I drive a small car. I chose to drive a small car because I knew gas would be a major line item in my budget when I relocated to Los Angeles. When I lived here in '99 and '00, it was around $2.65. My Dad had given me a gas card and was very generously paying it every month and I certainly appreciated it. Even though I drove a small Honda with manual transmission and a ten-gallon gas tank, I still sent a silent thank you to my dad every time I filled up.

Back to present day, even though my love for Doris is deeply anthropomorphized, I'm beginning to find our relationship a bit expensive to maintain. My Doris, she is a costly mistress.

She has a slightly larger tank than the Honda at 12 gallons. And she's also an automatic, because even though it's fun to drive a manual transmission, I'm convinced that doing it for 2 years in L.A. traffic shortened my left leg (I am dead serious, y'all), and there was no way in hell I was going to buy another one, no matter how much cheaper or fuel-efficient they are.

So, we have a larger tank, a more demanding, peppier transmission, not mention a slightly heavier car (no jokes about my Dee Dee's ass! It's high and proud and she can't help it, she was made that way!), and lots of short but long commutes. I drive approximately 6.5 miles to work and 6.5 miles back. Only 13 miles. However, my average speed is about 30 mph, IF I'M LUCKY. I also occasionally run errands and my recent doggy-sitting gigs have taken me slightly - but not too far - out of my way.

All that adds up to Doris getting about 21-23 mpg in the city. Not bad but not great. Her highway mileage is fantastic, but it's a rare occasion that we take Doris on a road trip. MFDC's Passat generally serves as our traveling chaise, as it's much more comfy and roomy than Doris. And has heated seats!

Divide all that by 12, subtract 7, carry the 5, etc... It's getting too fucking pricey to drive. When I fill up my compact car, it costs me $45. I live .7 miles away from a subway station that stops one block away from my office. When I passed the "cheap" gas station and saw that they were charging $3.83 per gallon, I made a pact with myself and my wallet. Once gas hits $4 a gallon - and it will - it will become more financially beneficial for me to commute via the subway than to keep Doris gassed up and ready to go.

GASP! THE SUBWAY! IN L.A.!

Immediately after I made the pact with myself, the Devil on my shoulder was all, "DRIIIIIIIIVE. IT'S JUST MONEY. WHO CARES IF IT MEANS A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY WEDDING RECEPTION? Besides, what if you have to run errands on your lunch break?" And then the Angel on my other should was all, "Then you'll get off your lazy ass and WALK, ya doosh! Just like you did in New York for 4 years. Use your LEGS. WALK. I have it on good authority that's their intended use." And the devil was all, "S my D, Spock! Damn your logic to HELL. I'm going to make sure you pay for this. Somehow, some way, you will pay. In the meantime, I need to get back to my usual business of rotting your psyche. Later, bitches! Enjoy your time with the tunnel-dwellers. I HOPE YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM CAN TAKE IT. MUAH-AH-AH-AH-AAAAAAH!"

Sigh. It looks like a Purell run and an iTunes blitz is in my future.