On Surprises And Setbacks

Depression is an evil bitch. Sneaky, too. One day, you're feeling great, you're medicated, you're supplemented, you're minus 15 pounds of chub, you're making progress on things that have sat on your "Meant To Do" list for ages, you're gluten-free, your side jobs are starting to make a tiny dent in the wedding debt and then it hits you: the tiniest flutter of WTF? flits across your mind and it feels like someone just ran a cold finger across your insides.

You try to ignore it, but it gets impossible and then eventually, it's all you feel and you just know, deep down inside you know... something has gone awry. It's frustrating, disappointing, devastating, and a major fucking bummer. Prior to medicating myself with a small dose of Cymbalta, my depression was very familiar to me. Post-Cymbalta, when I had experienced such a turn-around and then was once again faced with the possibility that I would have to start at square one due to a stunning display of homeostasis, I exerted massive amounts of energy to try and fix it myself or figure it out, because this was so wholly unfamiliar. I was wasting a lot of time hurting and trying to power through it.

At my super-duper Surprise Engagement Party, where so much love and happiness was evident, I found myself fearing those small fissures of cold flatness that had been haunting every moment of my world since about the beginning of March. I realized then that I had been wasting so much time waiting for "this" to pass and that I was once again paying far too high a price in deference to my depression.

I did see my doctor a few weeks after that first shiver, because I knew there was something I just couldn't shake. We discussed options and I chose to beef up the holistic aspect of my treatment rather than just bump up the pharmaceuticals. Several more supplements were added to my regimen. I believe in the supplements. I understand their function.

I guess what it all boils down to is listening to yourself and acting on your gut instincts, which is incredibly hard to do when you think you've got it all figured out. I realized as I was having a blast at our engagement party that I was fearing for myself. I feared that, as I read all the thoughtful words in all the cards my mom had collected for us from all over the country, their sentiment and meaning would be stolen from me; consumed by the cold pit I'd been carrying around for 6 weeks. I sat there reading those cards and hoping that I could just hang onto all those wonderful feelings for the whole night; that I could take it all in and know it was happening to me. And I did. But I shouldn't have to go through all that. Nobody should.

Monday, my therapist and I decided that it was time for another course of action. At first I was really bummed, but now I'm hopeful again. My brain and I - we'll get it right.

Here are some awesome photos from the night of my Surprise Engagement Party, chosen for the humor and warmth they exude, and also because I look cute!

Surprise! AHHHH! Dan and I were supposed to give the party notice of our arrival by buzzing into the front gate, but we snuck in as someone left and we all seemed to surprise each other!

Me: You guuuuuuuuys!
Dan: What? The? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck? He literally said, "I'm not good with quick change, I need a drink." Mr. Berman promptly handed him a glass of red!