The Day After

Last night, before I went to bed, I decided I would quickly check my email because I am expecting a reply regarding a business situation. Instead, I found a comment to yesterday's post. Twerpsworld's FIRST COMMENT EVER. It said it was a posting by Anonymous, so I read through it thinking, "Who could this be? Who knows this much about me and can spell fairly well?" Of course, the anonymous commenter revealed himself at the end. It was my Big Bro Steve.
 
I felt deeply touched that a.) he seemed to be reading the blog on a regular basis and b.) he felt strongly enough about it to post a comment. I thank you, Steve. It was very heartfelt and it made me cry.
 
But I thought about your response. In fact, I think along similar lines every day. And this morning I woke up thinking that though your suggestions have merit, and I certainly am gunning toward some of them, the suggestion that I move back to Los Angeles is just not something that is feasible to me right now. I would love the freedom to pack up and move wherever I wanted, but when you are considering the major problems in your life, problems that seem to be ever encroaching on your peace of mind; when moving to L.A. seems like a good idea, you have to know your problems are MUCH larger than that.
 
If I thought moving to L.A. would be the cure for whatever ails me, I'd already be there by now. But I recognize that if I did move to L.A., I would only be perpetuating a cycle of bad decisions. I think that's ultimately what in question here: my ability to make good decisions. My decision track record for the past few years has been lacking, to say the least! I would like to make a good decision and follow through with it. However, sometimes I make the decision and I just shut down. It's almost like I can't do more than make the call and once I do, I leave the rest up to the universe for some inexplicable reason.
 
Maybe it's because after I make the decision, I am unhappy with the results, and in the face of my perceived failure, I lose the ability to make any sort of change for the better.
 
This is why I was thinking that maybe I deserve to give my life here one last push. And by "my life", I mean "my life here in New York." Maybe I should have a big conference call with all my personalities, desires, abilities, resources, and brain and set down the various phases associated with a major life overhaul. I think I could do it. It would take a while, but it doesn't seem impossible. At least, not as impossible as it seemed yesterday. Which brings up the point: what do I do on the days when I am crushed? These days are occurring with alarming regularity now, interfering with my life and affecting the quality of it.
 
Maybe, during this transitional phase, medical regulation is a smart solution. I know that there are millions of people on anti-depressants, and I know it's just a band-aid for a lot of people. But I don't think I'm one of those band-aid people. I'm think I'm one of the others with an actual brain chemical imbalance. And maybe I should see what it would be like, just for a little while, if I were medicated. Maybe I should see what life could be like and how far I could get if I could only breathe...