FAQ

Since The Admiral did such a splendid job answering some frequently asked questions, I thought I would be completely unoriginal and bite his idea.

1.) Are you all moved in?
Almost, but not quite. I still have some furniture to get out of the Muppet's storage and I need to buy a bed. Almost bought a kinktastic specimen from IKEA. Decided against it. It's not really me.

2.) What's up with the color of your room?
It's akin to the color of wall someone might in a gynecologist's office: soothing yet feminine. I cannot stand it. I thought I could get used to it, but I can't. It's got to go.

3.) And the cat?
He rubbed up against my leg and let me pet him this morning. So completely male.

4.) Is your new messenger bag cool enough for Williamsburg?
Despite it's double row of sequins, the answer to your question is: Doubtful. I don't think I will ever have a hip enough haircut, or enough stylishly dirty/rumpled clothes to be considered cool in the Burg. All I have going for me is my dope ass iPod. I could pimp the ghetto blasters, which would up my cool factor, but it's really all about the bag and, honestly, to find a cool enough one to pimp, I would probably have to find an old mail carrier bag from the days of the Pony Express.

5.) What's with all the people making out on the L platform?
I was just wondering that myself! L is for love, I guess! It smells like patchouli more often than not. Perhaps that answers the question in a roundabout way. But there are some peeps on the L platform with whom I wouldn't mind making out.

6.) What? They're all dirty boys!
PUH-LEEEEEEZ! Girls luuuuurv dirty boys. It's a fact. Any female who tells you differently is TOTALLY LYING.

7.) Did you forget Laura's birthday?
No, but Levondra, I have been remiss. I had a glorious tribute planned in which I was going to detail all the many special things I love about you, but it got stuck in my head. Would you settle for a Haiku? Happy Belated Birthday, Levondra Lite. You know I love you in toto!

8.) What's the most popularly advertised food in your neighborhood?
Fried Chicken.

9.) Beer?
El Presidente. What up!

10.) Who is your American Idol?
That question was asked by Meghan, 27, Los Angeles, aka "Grandy," and really the first link in this crazy chain of blogs. I have many American Idols, for many different reasons, and the question ties in nicely with some thoughts of gratitude that have been jumping around in my head. I'll list them now.*

KD, aka The Muppet, aka Homegirl: For dragging my ass up when I just wanted to sit and cry and vomit and feel sorry for myself. And for all the tough love. And the booze! For these reasons, YOU are my American Idol!

SA, aka Punk, or whatever insulting nickname comes to mind at the time: For "listening" to all. my. crazy. and taking me seriously and offering up thoughtful solutions. And for using the C word appropriately. Outside of Kelly, you got it the worst! For these reasons, YOU are also my American Idol!

MG, aka Grandy, aka Dolf: What spills over from the first two, you get. No one can handle the dregs of my crazy as well as you, though. I really fucking miss you and I P-R-O-M-I-S-E you that you will see me this summer, real and live! I bounce almost everything off you, but you always seem to send it back better then you got it. For these reasons, YOU are ALSO my American Idol!!!

MFDC, aka, The Admiral: Your uncanny ability to say the right thing at the right time is somewhat frightening (along with your talent for haikus), but glorious in its perfect Master Jedi-ness. And I don't even KNOW you! You have no reason to be nice to me other than the fact that I say dirty things on your website, but yet you still are. You, too, have a knack for using the C word well in a sentence. I also like it when you just say it. Also? You're a motherfucking American Idol!!!

KD, aka, The D---R: You barely even know about this site. But you know me well and push me hard. I'm glad we bounced back from that Terrible Thing. Maybe one day I'll let you read this website. Thanks for letting me crash on your couch for a month. That was fun! You already KNOW you're an American Idol.

ROCKDOG: I heart you. You will so hate this, but YOU are an American IDOL! Rock ON!

*Don't be offended if I didn't list you and yet you KNOW you're an American Idol! It's most likely because you have in some way already been glorified on this site and I wanted to give shout-outs to those who've been cold there in my shadow. You know who you are and you know what you mean to me.