On Babies and Cats

This weekend was full of baby love. Nothing makes me feel more human than hanging out with babies and small children. They're so dependent and accept whatever you have to offer unconditionally. And their heads always smell really good, even with birthday cake icing all up in their hair.

My cousin Christina gave birth to triplets a year ago. They were about 2 months early, but they had to deliver because the baby on the bottom, Andrew, was showing signs of distress. After they were born, however, he was the strongest baby, even though his fighting weight was 2 lbs. 1 oz.

When I first saw them in the NICU, they looked like little dolls. They were lined up all together, and they were named according to their birth order. Babies A, B, and C became Andrew, Brandon and Christopher.

Andrew was in an oxygen tent, and they all had these tiny little caps on. They were very pink because their skin was so translucent. If you touched one, you would have to wash your hands before you touched another. It was quite something to see them so small and fighting so hard.
They came home at different times, and Brandon was the last to come home. He had lung problems and had to be on a machine to help him breathe even after he came home.

All three boys are thriving now, which is awesome to see. They were so small and now they're just like any other baby their age. They smile, they crawl, they play, they laugh, and they puke at random, especially when I am holding them. But I don't mind, because they're these little miracle babies.

What I DO mind, however, IS CAT PEE ALL OVER MY BEDDING.

Damn you, Kristoffer! YOU PREDICTED THIS AND IT CAME TO PASS!!!

I quote:

"So Danielle's moving to Brooklyn? I think your new roomies sound sweet, except for the cat. You should insist that they kill that fucking cat. You will soon be wearing Kitty Wizz #5 for perfume, and may soon find yourself being whispered about at the office. Ya know Danielle in accounts payable? That's totally a cat turd in her hair."

Upon the discovery that the cat had not only baptized my bedding with Kitty Wizz #5 once, but apparently several times over the weekend, I felt betrayed. I thought Vinny liked me. We'd had a couple really great moments together. But right now, I would like to throttle that cat to Kingdom Come.

With a dog, you can pull it over to the nastiness, put it all up in his grill, and yell, "NO!" several times. This is something I guarantee the dog will never want to experience again. But how does one discipline a cat? They rule the world. They are beyond disciplining.

Clueless as to how to redirect my rage, I engaged in a staring contest with Vinny as soon as I locked eyes with him. I tried to convey, "You go near my stuff again, you little bastard, and you will rue the day you ever took that first whiz." But it was entirely ineffective, because he completely dominated the staring contest. I tuned into his frequency and unmistakably picked up his broadcast. He was all, "What's UP, biatch? Yeah. That's what I THOUGHT."

So, please help me. I need some input on some decent kitty stategery. How can I convey to Vinny the Damn Cat that I want us to be friends, but that my shit is OFF LIMITS?

Or am I just his bitch at this point?