What I'm Hiding

Lately my sleep patterns have been greatly disturbed by a big, steaming pile of Anxiety with a capital A. Because of the nature of anxiety, it's pretty obvious that "something" is "bothering me." So, when asked about what I could possibly be so anxious that I am losing hours of sleep (but, sadly, no weight, which I just don't understand because surely stressing THIS hard consumes calories, right?), I don't really have a clear answer. I mean, I do, but I don't. And that stresses me out, too!

I know a lot of you will probably respond with, "But Deebo! Chill! You just got engaged! Think about how beautiful that is! Think about how beautiful life is! Think about baby pandas and rainbows and unicorns and veils and glass slippers!"

Ladies and Gentleman, I am here to assure you: it is entirely possible to be completely, entirely, over-the-moon happy about something and yet still be depressed. It just is.

I can say without a shadow of a doubt in my heart that being engaged to MFDC is the realization of all my girlhood hopes and dreams: that I would find a man who loved me for me, with whom I could be myself; someone who would appreciate my humor yet take me seriously and then love me unconditionally no matter how many times I puked and/or farted in front of him.

That LUCKY guy could have been NO ONE other than MFDC. The mere thought that this dude and his beard will be mine for all eternity fills me with so much gratitude and humility in the face of the sublime fortune the Universe has bestowed upon my humble, foul-mouthed self, that when I really let myself think about it, hot tears of happiness want to leak from my eyeholes.

And yet, while that wave of Joy is crashing upon the sun-starved shores of my tortured soul, there is another, deeper wave gaining energy way out on the horizon and I am powerless to stop it.

The GOOD news is that I am aware of this impending disaster and have been for some time now. It took several months of buying an objective ear to really have the courage to say to myself that this particular situation is not something I can fix on my own power. In fact, my own power has been lost to me for a long while now and the remaining embers of my energy are consumed by the various requirements of living the life I'm trying to build here in Los Angeles.

This has happened to me before. The difference back then is that I was still young enough to power through on pure physical energy. In retrospect, I wish I had redirected the sheer will I invested in getting through those moments toward actually figuring out the how and why I got there in the first place. I think, though, that that kind of introspection requires a level of personal wisdom and self-awareness that I just did not possess at the time.

This time, it's different. This time, it's endless. I go in circles in my mind every day. What's wrong with me? How can I fix this? Why can't I fix this? Yes, I can fix this. Mmmmm... no, not so much. And on and on and on. I've fixed things my whole life. How can I be so resourceful yet so completely clueless? The answer is simply that I am depressed.

There are places inside me that I must get to in order to progress as a human being and reach my full potential. There are cycles I need to break and habits I need to change. I've made some improvements with therapy, but I've now reached a point where the negative energy outweighs the positive energy. They're battling and the good guy is losing. And now it's time for the big guns. It's time for me to order up a WMD, y'all. I need to get past this thing blocking me.

Before, when it was just me fighting with me, I let the battle rage. But now it's not just me. My future is tied to someone else's. That person deserves me at my best. That person deserves to see me fight for it. That person deserves to know what it's like to be loved by someone who loves herself. And I deserve to be able to experience this time in my life (not to mention the rest of it!) unhindered by illness and the voices in my head that constantly tear me down and tell me what I DON'T deserve.

Fuck you very much, voices. I'm tired of you stealing every last crumb of peace and contentment I manage to horde.

I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in the middle of this month. He specializes in patients with PCOS (another WONDERFUL gift from my DNA) and is known to take a holistic approach to dealing with depression and anxiety. I'm trying to manage my expectations, but right now he's the light at the end of the tunnel for me and when I'm not accidentally hypnotizing myself with my ring, I'm focusing on that.

I just wanted to let you know because maybe you've noticed that I've been "off" for a while now. There's a reason for how anemic TwerpsWorld's been these past several months. Maybe you've struggled with something similar. Maybe confessing this struggle in this environment will somehow buy me a little more peace. Maybe tonight my heart won't pound out of my chest and my brain won't flash with thoughts and images that I know are complete shite yet which still rob me of whatever positivity I've fought for and gained during the day.

Maybe this is me getting ready to fight for it.