What Having A Camera Up Your Butt Will Teach You About Yourself

So the prep day was awful and I made sure everyone I was in contact with knew how awful it was. At first you think, mmm! Some yummy broth! And some apple juice! I like broth and apple juice! And ooooh! Green jello! It's been a long time since I've have green jello. I'm usually a black cherry jello girl myself...

By the end of the day, belly still roiling, butt raw, you take a look at the last can of broth and you just want to hurl it at someone's head. It doesn't matter who it is, just so long as it ensures there's another person on this planet as miserable as you.

Here's what I learned about myself in the 36 hours I was on a liquid diet and pooping my brains out:

1.) I didn't realize how much I snacked in a day until after the first 17 times I wandered into my kitchen, only to get mad at myself, turn around and mope back to my bed.

2.) I like chewing things.

3.) This colonoscopy came around the same time of year I had my gall bladder removed 5 years ago. I discovered Cottonelle wipes at that time. I pretty much celebrated my 5 year anniversary with Cottonelle wipes for an entire day. Cottonelle and I have been together longer than I have been with my husband.

4.) There's a lot of time to think about stupid things (see #3) when you can't really go anywhere or do anything because you're pooping every 40 seconds.

5.) I'm never as thirsty as I am when I'm told I can't drink water. Yet, during a workday, I can go hours without water if I'm not good about refilling my bottle.

6.) It IS possible to take a shower in less than 4 minutes, but that doesn't mean I left the bathroom right away.

7.) I like IV sleepy time drugs and I was probably oddly excited about the opportunity to sleep the sleep that only comes from stuff which must be administered by a medical doctor so you don't accidentally die. That was nice.

8.) There is a certain freedom in knowing that your doctors and nurses listen to their patients fart 47 times in the first 5 minutes after they wake up from a colonoscopy. It just makes it so much easier to let 'em rip while also making polite conversation - that is, when you're not turning to your husband after a particularly impressive release and saying, "Oh my GOD, dude! Did you HEAR that? It felt SO GOOD. I love you. Want some juice?"

9.) I have a hiatal hernia. My mom has one, too. It's genetic. I won't link to it because there's a gross picture associated with it, even though it's not at all gross.

10.) The patient before me, a woman of about 55 years, asked for copies of the photos taken of her colon during her procedure. So she could post them to Facebook. I was mad I didn't think of it first.

Bonus Item: My husband RULZ.

Overall, the prep sucks, the procedure is a cake walk, the air is sort of annoying but farting can be fun, I have a hiatal hernia but the appearance of a perfectly healthy colon, biopsy results back in 2 weeks, B12 shot was ridiculously easy and already making a difference, and I got pretty flowers and an iPod shuffle for Administrative Professionals day, which was yesterday.

Life is good.