The conversation I had before typing this:
"Danielle, hey, it's Pete."
"Yo."
"Yo, what's up?"
"You called me, fool!"
"Yeah on this DVD you want? Everything looks like shit."
"Yeah, I know."
"That's what you want?"
"Yup! Gimme the shit! It's what the client wants and if the client wants shit, then by golly, we shall give them shit!"
"Word."
So, I have decided, in the wake of some recent weird moments and meetings, that Fridays at TwerpsWorld will now become WTF? Fridays. They will basically be summaries of all my wtf? moments of the week, be they national, local, personal, or alphabeticalized. In turn, I encourage you to share with the rest of us YOUR wtf? moments from this past week.
Here we go:
From last night, overheard at the bar: "I would have to say my best features are my eyelashes, because they're curly [this is a dude speaking, btw] and my johnson. I love my johnson. I mean, I have a VERY good relationship with it. If I get to know you well enough, maybe you will, too."
wtf? There was a lot more where that came from. This guy would NOT STOP TALKING ABOUT HIS PENIS. About how it looked in a swimsuit. About how sensitive it was. And everyone standing with him was just kind of ignoring him. And then, at one point, he got us involved.
"Do you think it's bad that I like my johnson? I mean, if I didn't, I would be fucked up right? I would have issues. But I love my johnson."
"Yeah, we heard," said Kim. "It sounds like tonight it'll be just you and your johnson, too."
"That's OK," he says, and then turned both hands palm up. "See these caluses right here? See? When I'm feeling romantic, that's my left hand. Nice and slow. But when I'm feeling like I want to do it HARD.AND.QUICK, then that's when I use my right hand. My dominant hand."
"Oh, hey, now there's a great system!" I said, horrified.
"Yeah, I hope that works out for you later, dude," Kim said in a tone which effectively dismissed Mr. Johnson from our conversation. "Let's get another round." Yes, please, thank you, God.
I mean, WTF??? THAT WAS REAL! He left by himself shortly thereafter, not surprisingly.
Additonal WTF? moments from this week:
Dave Chappelle
Just when I was about to brainstorm a way for the Muppet to let me have a Chappelle's Show Premiere Party at her phat place on May 31, production is halted and NO ONE KNOWS WHY! wtf??
Grenades? No, really. GRENADES?
I had no idea this had happened until I got into work yesterday. Dee no likey grenades. Especially within a 20 block radius of her tender, very much alive person. wtf??
Ew.
This is just gross. What's next, the socks they found under Michael Jackson's bed? wtf?? Actually, this deserves a special WTFingF?!
Are KIDDING me?
First of all, I see nothing wrong with this lyric. Has anybody heard 50cent's Candy Shop?
This is just ridiculous, especially considering that I'm sure there are laborers somewhere in some country working for Starbuck's who are supplementing their pitiful wages doing the same thing for a LOT less. wtf??
I have to get back to work now. Right after I show you what my brother just sent me:
Steve Wright: http://www.starwars.com/episode-iii/release/trailer/seduction.html ok tell me this doesn't look like it's gonna fucking be unfuckinbelievable
Infuckindeed, Baby Steve. Infuckindeed.
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2 comments:
I have issues with calling your unit a "johnson". Why would someone so comfy with his dick call it a surname? Sounds like he and his "johnson" need couples therapy.
HA! I did think that was a rather dated euphemism. Coincidentally, the next gentleman to disturb our peace was named A.E. Johnson. He wanted to go back to his place and hang with a bottle of wine. And maintained that the reason this was such an important Cinco de Mayo was "because it's...it's...because it's five, five, five, oh five, oh...five..."
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