New System

Today I got an email from MoveOn.org: "BREAKING: McDonald's Has New Coffee System! Call your Senators!"

Didn't you get that one? DO YOU NOT RECEIVE MOVEON.ORG EMAILS?

So, yeah. McDonald's has a new coffee system, and since I am on the coffee front lines, I felt it my duty to familiarize you with this New System, as well as rate its pluses and minuses.

For those of you who have, like myself, been long acquainted with McDonald's coffee, it's come a long way from the days when I worked there. We had a policy of brewing a new pot every 20 minutes. However, we kind of interpreted that as "brew as needed." In the mornings, there was lots of coffee turnover. In the afternoons, not so much.

Nobody ever noticed. When you can't tell the difference between a fresh pot of coffee and a pot that's been sitting on the burner, slowly transforming into a La Brea Tar Pits-like substance, then you know it's shit. I never drank the coffee in those days because I DIDN'T LIKE COFFEE THEN. I was young and stupid, what can I say?

In the past few years, as I became increasingly coffee dependent along with the rest of the nation, I have had occasion to drink McDonald's coffee, particularly when I started the whole No Sugar thing. I'd order a #1 from the Breakfast menu with a coffee instead of juice, and then I'd invariably give my taters away. I still do. Except for one day a few weeks ago when nobody wanted them and I was forced to eat them myself. Mmmmmm...

I can tell you that McDonald's coffee is Not That Bad. It's akin to "diner" coffee. However, in order to be competitive with Starbucks, Dunkin' Donuts, and various other coffee joints that also offer breakfast food, they've added two options to their coffee menu: "Smooth" and "Bold."

I am a big fan of smooth coffee. But I also like it bold. I like smooth, bold coffee. Not too bold. Starbucks coffee is TOO bold for me, Dunkin' Donuts tastes like filthy bathwater, WaWa's gotten weak, so I suspect they're cheaping out on their beans and adding more flavor options to cover it up. As you can see, I've developed quite the discerning palate when it comes to coffee.

I ordered the "Smooth" variety the other day. I was asked how many creams and sugars I wanted, and half expected to get a bag full of 3 stirrers, 37 sugars and 19 creamers, since that's what they inevitably toss in despite my request for two Splendas and 2 creamers. I asked for it black, thinking I would fix it when I came upstairs to work, but I changed my mind at the last minute and asked for 4 creamers, just in case the "Smooth" option was wretched. The girl who waited on me fixed my coffee for me and handed it back.

Ok. So the New Coffee comes with a New System in which the employees fix your coffee for you. Interesting.

The coffee itself was only a'ight. I would rate the "Smooth" version below what they had been serving before the New System. However, the anticlimactic taste of the coffee was kind of overshadowed by my adjustment to the New Lid. Yes. The New Coffee is served with New Lids.

The "mouth" part of the lid rises higher than the rest of it, and the opening is set a bit further back than a coffee drinker might expect, so I'm sure my first dozen or so sips might have appeared to look like making out to the casual observer. Because of the weirdly raised "lip" of the lid and the geographically suspect location of the opening, it takes a bit of searching out for the mindless coffee drinker. I mean, everybody's always doing something else while they drink their coffee, right?

Since I was busy checking my personal emails and reading TheSuperficial.com, I found myself dragging my mouth across the lid and using my tongue to search out the opening so I could subconsciously calibrate the speed and tilt required for pain/spill-free coffee delivery. As much as I love coffee, I did not enjoy making out with the New Lid.

The L train is not running this week, so I have not been to Hope & Union since it's not on the way to the M train, my L alternative. This has done much to preserve my cash and also prove that I can, in fact, survive my mornings with mere coffee instead of large, 2-shot cappuccinos.

I also have refrained from brewing coffee in the office since I can't brew anything smaller than a half gallon and it's usually only me and one other person that drinks it, so the effort isn't worth the payoff for me. In order to get my fix and not have to go outside, I decided to again try some McDonald's coffee. I just kinda figured I'd be a little better at the whole New Lid thing with practice, so I fearlessly walked up to the counter and ordered the "Bold" New Coffee.

While standing in line, I suddenly heard raised voices and tore myself from my Big Breakfast fantasies to pay attention. An old man, a "Senior" if you will, had ordered a "Senior" coffee and asked for sugar. When the employee asked him how many he wanted, he requested a handful. When she tried to be specific and explain the New System, he was like, "Just give me the sugah!" And she was like, "But, sir, we have a new system. Just tell me how much sugar you would like." And he was like, "New system? NEW SYSTEM?!" And then he started waving his old, skinny arms around and yelling, so someone just handed him a fistful of Splenda and he walked away, arms still flapping wildly, and still yelling, "New system! NEW SYSTEM?!?"

The employees looked annoyed and frustrated. The people standing in line looked annoyed and frustrated. But me, I think I probably looked sad, because I knew...the flipping out, the arguing, the resistance to change, i.e., the New System, the frustration at not being able to fix your discounted coffee the way you want to, WHEN you want to...

That's going to be me someday. I have seen the future and it is bleak.

btw - the "Bold" is better than the smooth, but it's also a little too bitter.