In Sum

I think it would be hard for me to list all the various little battles I've been fighting for the past several months/years and be able to accurately articulate how they have affected my ability to process moments. Basically, "now" is not something I was ever able to truly enjoy unless I worked very hard to get my mind in that place, and even that stressed me out, because there was always the possibility that I wouldn't be able to convince myself that this moment in time deserved the focus of every atom in my body. I guess I heard of now, but I always put it off because it was just too hard for me to get there. Too exhausting.

Friday night I went home with a slight headache and drooled on Dan's shoulder until it was time for me to get up and get ready to meet Meghan at her place and go to the Team Scrub show. I was tired, but not utterly exhausted. I had a headache, but decided to power through. This is not a decision I would have made a month ago. A month ago, I would have bailed, because I'd want to rest and try and kill the headache, and then those two things would consume all my remaining energy.

But I rallied and I went to the show and I enjoyed it. In fact, I enjoyed it so much that I considered staying for one more set than I had planned, but I was getting restless and figured I should get home and try to chill out before bedtime. It was the right decision.

Saturday I had a headache all day, but I talked to my Dad, my sister and my friends, Vic and Laura. All three fairly lengthy conversations. All of them left me feeling good and connected to them. I have not felt connected to much in a long time. It just seemed to me that it was better to stay disconnected. But after these conversations, I felt nourished. And even though I had a monster headache, I still felt really good.

That night, we hung out with the Bermans, which is always fun. I feel like I laughed the whole time. I know my bladder was under strain for much of the evening! We ate some BBQ and then rocked some Guitar Hero. After that, we played a game of Cranium. My head was pounding so hard, but I was having so much fun, I barely thought about it. I barely thought about anything but that fact that I was actually enjoying myself.

Sunday I woke up and the headache was gone. I was tired, but that was simply from staying up too late. I packed up and moved over to the house where I am dogsitting this week and that has been going really well so far. I'm enjoying their little house, and the doggie, and their proximity to Meghan and the cute stores around Sunset Junction.

Yesterday, I woke up and checked my work email, and discovered that my team was not, in fact, working the MLK holiday. I decided to invite my mom and Duncan down to the house where I was so the doggies could play (complete failure: Dunkie is more neurotic than I am - sadly). Meghan came over and when my mom took Duncan home, we went to Trader Joe's so I could pick up some food for the week. Meghan helped me locate some of the special diet items I needed to find and I was very grateful. Even though that store was a nightmare, I still enjoyed just spending the time with her. We went to a movie with Meghan's roommate Joe (Juno - awesome. I wish I wrote it.), and then I came home and took the doggie for a big, long walk that got us completely lost, but we found our way back.

In short, it was a good weekend and I realized, as I was getting ready for bed, that my mind was with me the whole time. I'm starting to feel a little more whole. I don't know if it's a placebo-effect or what, because how can 4 short days make such a difference? I'm just basing it all on how I feel. I feel good. I feel like I'm moving forward. I'm determined to be healthy and treat my body right. I feel like I'm building momentum and like I've been ready for this for a while now. I feel OK with what I'm putting into my body because I know my goals.

Mostly, I'm just so incredibly grateful for the people in my life and for their support. I could not have taken this step without all the encouragement and understanding, especially from my bearded fiance, one Mr. MFDC. He is such a solid partner. I'm not sure I would have had the courage to be honest with myself and acknowledge that my mind was on its knees, begging for relief, had I not been able to draw from his strength. I am so excited and amazed at my luck to be marrying him this year!

PS - I'm not expecting this sense of overwhelming well-being to be with me 24/7. Life is life and the only thing it does consistently is HAPPEN. I'm just happy to know what now feels like.