The Ballad of Barbie and Ken

When I was a little girl, I spent an inordinate amount of time playing "Barbies." Most of you know this already. And I am not ashamed to admit that, were I to encounter a little girl (or boy, you know, all things being equal and it being 2005) playing Barbies, I would absolutely accept an invitation to play.

It wouldn't take me long to settle into the scenario. A few carefully chosen questions would catch me up to whatever drama was already unfolding, such as:

• Are Barbie and Ken married yet?

• Is Skipper the daughter or the 'ho in this scenario?
  
  
• Is the Barbie dream house "sorority-style," in which all Barbie's (brunette and far less attractive) friends live with her, or is she solely pimping the pad?

• Is the Corvette gassed up and ready to go?
  

• Is Ken's best friend, Brad (the one with the REAL blonde hair), with whom Barbie is not-so-secretly in love (unbeknownst to Ken, Barbie and Brad recently knocked anatomically-incorrect boots, COMPLETELY on the down low while Ken was in the NEXT ROOM), about to interrupt their wedding right as the priest asks, "If there's anyone here who objects to Barbie and Ken entering into an arranged, loveless, passionless marriage that's bound to be violated by the arrival of that whore, Skipper, speak now or forever hold your peace" by exclaiming, "ME, BITCHES!"
  

As long as I have the answers to these questions, I'm ready to PLAY. However, one important dramatic element MUST be present in order for the Barbie opera to properly play itself out - the music, of course!

I would spend hours and hours and hours setting up my Barbie world. I had the Dream House, THREE Corvettes, the Western RV, the Pool, and so many Barbies and Kens I'm surprised it never occurred to me to orchestrate a Deep Throat-esque orgy during my prime Barbie-playing years. But the one thing that sticks out when recalling those endless hours spent marveling at how wide the space was between Barbie's thighs and her chest to waist ratio is what was on the radio at the time.

I've been very nostalgic lately, perhaps in a bid to get back to that sort of uninhibited quality of my imagination, so I am now on a mission to acquire all songs that bring to mind the life and times of Barbie and Ken, as orchestrated by me, once an introspective eleven year-old who'd already read TWO Danielle Steel novels and didn't waste any time in adapting those novels into Barbie play. This will be my Barbie and Ken Playlist.

So far, I have been successful in acquiring many of these songs, most recently "I've Been in Love Before," by Cutting Crew. But the most frustrating thing has been, and I have mentioned this before, iTunes does NOT carry "Hands to Heaven" by Breathe! How is this POSSIBLE??? It's not a Barbie and Ken Playlist until I have it! They reconciled to that song! After Skipper got Ken drunk and took advantage of him in the kitchen, bathroom, bedroom and the Pink Corvette (that's HIS story anyway); after the Hart family moved in next door and tried to destroy Barbie's suburban utopia with their sorcery and evil ways (played out to "These Dreams" by Heart, don't ask me why) by successfully hypnotizing Barbie into carrying Mr. Hart's anti-Christ spawn (who lets a 9 year watch The Omen? My mom, of course!); after He-Man seduced Barbie and kept her a sexual prisoner in Castle Greyskull, only to be rescued by Optimus Prime and then RE-KIDNAPPED by Voltron (yes! he had a dark side!), they still managed to find their way BACK to each other. That is THEIR song! And I will not rest until it's on my damn iPod and nestled into the coveted encore spot of this particular Playlist!