DUDE

I have never been so fucking scared in all my life, EXCEPT for:

This one time? Meghan, Kim, and I were coming back from a night on the town in L.A. and Kim was driving her PHAT Honda Accord. We were headed south down Highland, laughing at a yellow VW bug in front of us that had three screens in it, all facing out toward the cars behind it, playing some trippy scenic montage. I'm sure we had all seen him around before.

Anyway, we headed over to La Brea and continued traveling south to Pico, where we made a right hand turn...not TWO seconds later (after Pink's but before Roscoe's Chicken & Waffles - YUM!) we hear POP! POPPOP! POPPOPPOP! POP! Looking around, we noticed guys on our left and guys on our right, all scattering and/or hitting the ground. WE WERE IN THE MIDST OF A SHOOTING!!! I started yelling, "GO GO GO GO GO!!!" Kim hit the gas, JUST as allll the lights as far as we could see started turning red.

The engine was revving sharply as Kim was laying on the pedal and steering the car from underneath the dash; Meghan was laying down across the backseat dialing 911 and I was pounding the horn with my left hand while keeping one eye just high enough to see over the hood of the car as we blew threw intersection after intersection.

Finally, we made it home and luckily had enough green that we could all draw what were probably the longest, hardest hits "Penelope" had ever served up.

That's what I felt like tonight, you guys. The first warning bell was how many stops into Brooklyn this place actually was. The second was how many people who looked like me were on my train (that's a big, fat ZERO, kids). The third was the station into which I disembarked. The fourth was the fact that when I exited the station, I looked to my right and saw a sign that said, "BEDFORD AVE NEXT RIGHT". Note: Biggie Smalls sold CRACK on Bedford Ave. before Puffy found him and brought him to the masses. The fourth was when I was walking toward St. Johns and only saw ethnic stores and shops. The fifth was when I encountered a group of young, teenaged males hollering at each other through their Nextels. The sixth sign - and isn' that a movie title? - was when I heard my own voice from long ago screaming in my head, GO GO GO GO GO!!!

And so I motherfucking WENT, y'all!! Thank God a 4 train rolled up right as I entered the station. I sat down and, wound up beyond belief, heart still racing, hackles still raised, searched my iPod for a song that could bring me back down from "Female Animal Senses Danger" Alert Level.

What does a girl listen to when she's seen her life flash before her eyes? Why, Robot Rock by Daft Punk, of course!

Now, I'm going to get myself ready for a big, stiff drink. Firemen of New York, get ready!