I Have Some Complaints

1.) To the women who push strollers through crowds like they’re snowplows: Firstly, just because you have a child (is it even YOURS? Really.) in a stroller does not mean you automatically have the right of way. The basic rules of sidewalk and street pedestrian traffic apply: you stay to your side, I’ll stay to mine. If someone gets in your way, it is not OK to suddenly veer the stroller in front of me, expect me to JUMP out of the way, all the while steering the stroller one-handed as you talk on your cell phone. GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE. And know this, if you try to force me out of the way again by threateningly pushing your stroller toward my vulnerable shins, I’m going to steel myself for impact and then FALL ON YOUR KID, YOU WHORE.

2.) Regarding online banking: Why can’t I just write a check? I would like to just write a check. Can I get some checks to write on? How is it that I cannot order checks? How do I send cash gifts to family members for birthdays if you won’t give me checks? I promise to keep them plain and simple. You know, white with the blue-green squiggle lines. No Looney-Tunes for me. No Betty Boop. Can I just order them, though? WHERE IS THE BUTTON TO ORDER THEM! “Click here to order checks.” WHERE IS THAT??

3.) Pervs on MySpace.com: Unless I am already acquainted with you and find your special blend of filth and charm to be quite endearing, actually, I do not want to be your friend. Do not write me flattering little missives and expect a response, knowing full well when I go to your profile I’ll find it lousy with f-bombs and gangsta rap references used a mite too literally. How you ended up with 67 friends I will never know, nor do I care, so STOP requesting my friendship! You don’t deserve it, Vanilla Ice.

4.) For the bartender who looked at me like I had seven heads and then made SNIDE COMMENTS when I requested Jameson on the rocks with a twist: Not that you are entitled to an explanation, but I like the hint of lemon provided by the zest. I do not like lemon or lime squeezed into my whiskey when I am drinking it on the rocks. If I am drinking it on the rocks, it’s because I want to taste the whiskey in all its amber, smoky glory. I don’t want it loaded down with citrus. Besides, it’s my drink order. Your job is to fill it. And if the other bartender hadn’t been so chintzy with the whiskey in my Jameson & Gingers, then I would not have felt compelled to order it on the rocks (which I tend not to do in bars), thereby offending your tender, off-the-boat Irish sensibilities. Your accent is charming, but in this instance, SHUT YOUR DAMN PIE HOLE.

5.) To my left eye: What’s up with all the blurry? Huh? What’s up with the blurry whether FAR OR NEAR? You scare me. I’m getting your shit checked ASAP. I will pluck your ass out if I’m required to get BIFOCALS. I AM ONLY 28 FOR CHRISSAKES!

6.) To the woman I work with who only ever visits my cubicle to generally annoy everyone within earshot: Yes, I have an iPod cable. You can see that I do, it’s connected to the dock, which is sitting on top of my desk, in full view, right next to the computer. And NO you cannot borrow it. It’s busy right now. It’s busy every day. So you will NEVER be able to borrow it. I’m sorry you have the tedious task of moving your library from your work computer to your home computer. And it doesn’t matter how many ways there is to say “I need to move my library from my work computer to my home home computer,” in the English language. The answer will always be NO. And there is only one way to say that, bitch! NO.

7.) To George W. Bush, who does not support Stem Cell research: My friend’s father is dying. He has leukemia. He is like a father to me. He would benefit greatly from stem cell research. I hope you never have to find yourself in a situation where you are hauling your sick, tired butt all over the country looking for some assistance from clinical trials, which happen to be your last option, barring any last-minute miracles. I hope you never find yourself lying in a hospital bed for weeks, sick, thin, bald, weary, depressed, sore, nauseated, thinking, “I hope I live long enough to meet my first grandchild.”