They Want More Of My Juice

I give them all of me and still they want more!

This was essentially the gist of my meeting. I could tell my boss thought I was nervous. She told funny stories to ease my jitters. I just wanted to get down to business. She asked me a lot about my former jobs, my time in Los Angeles, Philly, etc...

She didn't tell me anything I didn't expect to hear, and she did a very good job of couching the negative stuff in polite, hopeful phrases.

I explained a little bit of the special Danielle pathology, which is that I don't know how to say "No." When I was coming up the ranks in the movie biz (I only got a couple rungs up, but still, I was paying DUES), I was told that "No" did not exist. There was no "No." If you were asked for it, you came up with it. That was that. If it meant working 7 days in a row, 14 hours a day, you just fucking did it.

So, when I am overwhelmed, I have a hard time recognizing or admitting it, because that word did not exist in my zygote stages as a working individual. Somewhere in my head I think, "I should be able to get this done. Other people get this done, so I should be able to get this done." And then life interferes and before I know it, I'm getting a 1000 other things done as well. Or trying to. So even if I am over-burdened, I lack the ability to determine how much is too much. I'm not sure I'm conveying this sufficiently. Basically, I'm a "can do" type of gal, and I'll kill myself to get it all done, but I have a real problem "managing expectations." I need to be better about communicating my workload.

(This is something that spills over into my personal life as well, which we also discussed as a point of interest. Perhaps if I am able to start pushing back at work, I will be able to start pushing back on "life situations" that encroach on my peace and take advantage of that fact that I'm an uber-pleaser, which is a side effect of all my Daddy issues. God, I really do need some therapy.)

Additionally, they want me to take more initiative and scope out potential projects in my downtime. IN MY DOWNTIME. They want me to make myself available for "research initiatives." Also, they want me to write more shit.

So, that's pretty much it. There's other stuff, but it's pretty mundane. I know I sound morose, but the fact of the matter is the lunch ended well, with my boss pledging to research some pathways toward more creative writing and me actually open to the idea. Unfortunately, when I returned to my desk, there were 987 fires to put out, all at the same time.

Having had some time to digest the lunch conversation and read over my actual review, I can say honestly that I'm not sure how much more I can or want to give this job. The fact that I came up lacking in a few categories is just proof positive that I'm not feeling it. If I had passion for it, I'd be more dedicated. But I don't have the passion for it, and I have never made a secret of that.

I'm flattered that they want me more involved, that they "absolutely love" me, and recognize potential in me. That makes me feel good. But not being 100% makes me feel bad. And what makes me feel WORSE is that I'm responsible for it. At least I'm 100% on that. The reality of "owning" my dissatisfaction with my job unearths thousands of questions I'd buried almost a year ago in the hope that I would forget about them. But some things are undeniable, so I have quite a bit to sort out.

Poo.

I don't want to end this on a sour note, because it's really much more positive than what I am articulating.

"Danielle exceeds at building relationships around the agency. It would be an understatement to say she has amazing charisma and energy. She's a great resource because she knows all the right people to talk to in order to get things done."

How's that? A little something you can tack on the fridge...