Yo, Eric Graduated And Shit

So, I'm not sure how many of you are aware of this, but I have another brother. He's younger by ten years and his name is Eric. He is a punk. We have different baby daddies.

There was a time when he was really cute. I used to take care of him a lot when we were younger because my mom was sick. I used to bathe him, change his diapers, feed him, wash his clothes, clean up his toys, play with him...I even used to sing his little ass to sleep.

When he was old enough, I worked with him on reading and writing. When he wanted to look "cool" as a little kid, he would ask me to style his hair.

He was really spoiled, though. We were raised differently. I think his being an "oops!" baby (Mom still maintains he was planned... how many divorced, 37 year-old women do you know who intentionally conceived children out of wedlock in 1986, thereby causing quite the little scandalbroth in a perfect little Stepford neighborhood? Yeah.) and her getting sick soon after he was born kinda sapped all her "I AM YOUR MOTHER AND YOU SHALL FEAR MY WRATH" energy, though she still had it in spades for Steve and me.

ANYWAY. That was too much information, sorry. I'm feeling pretty nostalgic.

I guess I'm trying to say that, you know, I had a lot to do with this kid when he was coming up. I was this little mommy at ten years old because I had to be. It made me all responsible and shit. Even though I think Eric is a punk-ass mofo right now, I still have a super tender soft spot for him because 1.) he's my little bro and I love my bros. They're my favorite. And 2.) his arrival helped mold me into the person I am right now.

He has a lot of potential. He's REALLY smart and has obsessive-compulsive tendencies which, though perhaps not exactly healthy, can be quite useful when trying to get ahead in the world. Unfortunately, he's lazy. Unless it's something he's wild about, he has ZERO motivation.

The older he gets, the more I realize how funny he is. He's quite self-deprecating, too. Again, not that healthy, but oh-so-useful sometimes.

As I sat there and listened to the top nerds give commencement speeches, quoting everything from Tolkien to JFK, and heard them talk about how important High School was and how it's made them into "self-aware," "responsible" "adults," and how they're "ready" to face "life's challenges," I thought, 'Nerds, you don't know shit.'

High School was high school. Going back today was the first time I had been back in a looooong time. I remembered sitting there at my own graduation, thinking things like, "I'm so fucking psyched to be going to Emerson College. I'm the next Oprah," and "Why did I cut my hair?" and "I hope Vic confesses his everlasting and undying love to me tonight after Graduation" and "I hope I make enough money at my grad party for that AWESOME Brother WORD PROCESSOR I want!" and "Damn, it's hot" and finally, because I was one of close to 600 students, "Why couldn't my mom have done it with someone with a last name that began with an A? Shit! I'm NEVER getting out of here!"

I wasn't sad to leave High School. I had no feelings that it was "the most important time" of my life. I knew there were better things ahead. I hope these kids know that, too. It gets a lot better than High School. I don't understand people who long for those days again. Life can suck sometimes, yes, but I NEVER have to fuck with Chemistry again. THAT'S AWESOME.

I would like to say to my bro and all his buds and their little ho's:

- You're about to have more fun than you ever thought possible. There is life beyond prom and cheesy white tuxedos. Yes, they were fucking cheesy, I saw the pictures today.
- Don't take yourself too seriously, like I did for a very long time. It sucks. Trust me.
- Be the change you want to see in the world. Ok, I totally ganked that from Ghandi, but whateves. It applies.
- This is a really good time to reinvent yourself, if you're so inclined.
- Get out of New Jersey. I know, there's a lot to love, but there's so much more!
- Figure out what a Real Friend is and then ditch everybody who doesn't fit that description.
- Travel
- FOR GOD'S SAKE, DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO TO LOSE THAT FUCKING ACCENT!

I think that's it. No more sentimental shit. Tomorrow is Friday and you know what that means. I get to write a post with as many fucks in it as I want and not feel guilty. See? This is the fun shit I was talking about.

I'm off to look at baby pictures and my old High School yearbooks. I looked so good in those choir robes!